Tomorrow May be it for Me

[TydalWave]

I know the feeling of relief I had when I first received my SN. Just knowing I could escape at any time, gave me such release from the suffering I have been entangled with my whole life. I never set a firm day; because as every day has passed since I have been making my preparations one step closer to what I consider better.

Things are still not perfect. I wish I had a better pain killeras because I still fear the pain involved in death. But I am proud that I have found the strength to prepare as much as I have. There were so many times in my life I would have ended it all in the moment in a gruesome way just to escape what I was feeling. In the back of my mind I told myself I never wanted to leave this world in the heat of the moment, or at an all time low. If and when I choose to leave, I wanted it to be because I knew in my heart it was the right thing for me, and not some decision to be made in the heat of any moment.

I don't blame anyone for leaving in the moment. The low times can be so low that we cannot take it anymore. The high's can be so blinding that we forget the lows even exist. I think most functioning people have to be somewhat blind in order to survive. Whether it's a blessing or a curse, I wasn't born with that ability; and the pain and suffering I've endured, and watched others endure persists in my highest highs and lowest lows.

I don't think life is fair.
I don't think free will exists; not in the form we say it does. Because we do not all play by the same set of rules; nor did we consent to playing the game in the first place. I am choosing to not play the game anymore because quite simply, I don't see the beauty in it. I don't think one person's suffering can be justified by another persons gain. And every day people are born into this world destined for suffering without a choice, without the free will to avoid it.

I wish others had the luxury that I had in being able to afford a way to escape this cruel world. I know my methods not perfect. I know it's still scary. But I have this feeling in my gut that it is enough and that tomorrow may be my last day here.

I possibly have a source for better pain meds on the way. If that comes out true perhaps I will find the strength to make it to the end of the week. But the foundation keeping me here is dwindling down, and I Just want you all to know how much I greatly appreciate the support, kindness, and generosity you have afforded to me. I am thankful to have found you all because our stories deserve to be told in a society that does not want to listen.

 

[Rounded Agony]

I'm glad I haven't missed your departure...kudos to you for sticking it out as long as you have, and being as sure as sure can be about your decision. Funny enough, those with the most calm resolution are the ones my heart aches most to call out not to go. But maybe it's because I see myself in them.

If I don't catch you again in this dimension, then it'll be the next one. Don't forget that you can always change your mind about plans...unless there really is no free will, then things will just happen. Haw haw.

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you're suffering we'll miss you if you go I hope you don't CTB in a temporary low, that would be a tragic loss for everyone and yourself

 

[Zegers]

we do not all play by the same set of rules

I am choosing to not play the game anymore

I don't wanna to play if i cant play it my way. Some lifes, you can try, but the difficulty is just ridiculous, you won't even touch the ball.

 

[TydalWave]

I don't wanna to play if i cant play it my way. Some lifes, you can try, but the difficulty is just ridiculous, you won't even touch the ball.

I just think our trust in the game depends on the rules of the game being defined and agreed upon by those involved in the first place.

You lose trust in a system that is not fair or just to all who are involved. I dont care whose rules we play by. But a 12 year old dying in the streets with nobody to love or care for her has no chance in this world. And it disgusts me that a creator could put someone through that. I have been through tremendous pain, but knowing that others were destined for far worse is just abysmal.

 

[cassxtho]

Not everyone is meant for living, at least in this society. You've accomplished a lot being able to exist for this long in this world. If you do CTB, I am sorry to see you go. Best of luck with everything.

 

[Shikamaru]

Tomorrow is my CTB day too using SN. I hope whatever you decide that you find peace and do what's best for you xx I am feeling nervous but prepared and ready , very weird feeling x

 

[StolenLife]

I wish you achieve peace and that you no longer feel the pain of this life.

 

[freedomcalls]

I always feel such a heavy heart when I read these posts… not for your intention but for the pain that brought you to this point

It's an honour to share in your journey at this point and I hope you find solace here to ease your journey

Godspeed

 

[TheCyberian]

I know what you mean about the relief of having SN. It was so comforting when I realized I have a means of escape that I can always turn to if things become too intolerable! Our talks have convinced me that it could even be a comfortable way to die with the right preparation.

If you do go tomorrow, then I hope your final moments are peaceful without anxiety or pain. I'm sorry that life has led you down this road. If you feel any hesitation, then there's no harm in postponing. Like you said, this isn't a decision to be made in the heat of the moment.

 

[leeloosnow]

thank you for your friendship in crazy world. i hope everything goes well for you, you'll be remembered

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Per ardua ad astra

 

[FuneralCry]

I view it as always being preferable choosing to leave this world. There is no value or benefit to continuing to suffer and at the end of the day everything exists just to die anyway. I would rather leave to prevent potentially decades of a pointless and painful existence, it's all that makes sense to me. But you are lucky having the SN by your side.
If one has a way to escape then existence is no longer prison like, instead it's a choice whether to stay here and it's a choice that I would never wish to make. I just see it as being so horrific how life evolved to a point in which so much endless suffering exists, and of course your feelings of wishing to leave this world are certainly understandable.

 

[Shivali]

 

[Huntfish34]

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give you. Thoughts and prayers always, Godspeed. ♥

 

[TydalWave]

Update: Looks like I've been able to obtain my ideal pain killer for my exit plan...

I am ready today but will have to wait till Thursday most likely, worst case Friday. If it does not come by the end of the week then I'll go without it. But having it will give me a much better piece of mind so I will suffer a couple more days. Will keep you updated.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I hope all goes as you desire and you find your long sought after peace and tranquility.