Told the mental health services I'd go via SN this Sunday (tomorrow), they responded with some meds and a call planned for Monday...

[Unsure_about_living]

Been through all of the various UK services over and over again over the last 2 months (and previously over the last 3 years), each one refering me onto the next service, agreeing I need help but that it shouldn't be from them. Emergency appointment yesterday after I said I had firm plans for Sunday. They gave me diazepam (which is somewhat helpful, at least to sleep) and said they'd ring me on Monday (ie after I plan to ctb ). Me and my partner asked how bad I'd need to be for more in-depth help / intervention. Nothing. (Partner is currently away for several weeks, hence the risk).

I'm not 100% I want to die, but I also know every time I make myself stay I later regret it. And I feel vindicated now that I've begged and pleaded for help so so much. (Please no one respond saying "if you're not 100% sure, you shouldn't do it", I believe we all have that instinct in us to live even if everything else points to leaving).

I have the SN, and some meds to reduce stomach acid/volume. Also have rope as I previously considered partial suspension, but I find it hard to imagine going through with this. I wrote my note on my phone (so that I can edit as I think of things, I'll print it out; also told the professionals this).

I think part of me feels like if I'm still safe when they (supposedly, I don't trust they will based on previous experiences) ring me on Monday then that proves them right. That I didn't really want to ctb at all and can get by with no help. And it means I'm forcing myself to go through this whole torturous NHS experience again, and again

I guess this is just a rant, who knows.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot and I can imagine that it must be really tiring. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[wljourney]

The torture of going through the system and being handed off from one to the next is excruciating.

I am really really sorry that you are made to experience this.
There is actually a word for this: sanctuary trauma.
When you ask for help by the people and institutions that are there to help you but nobody listens or acts. Instead denies help.

In the end, I think the scheduled call on Monday shouldn't be your reason to go through with your plans. Fuck'em.
If you are still around on Monday, you may just not answer the phone and let them sweat a bit.

However if you are ready and decide this is it and you've had enough, then you do what needs to be done. Sit with it. See if it feels right.
You don't have to prove them right or wrong. You do what's best for you.

Wishing you well.
Hugs.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

Been through all of the various UK services over and over again over the last 2 months (and previously over the last 3 years), each one refering me onto the next service, agreeing I need help but that it shouldn't be from them. Emergency appointment yesterday after I said I had firm plans for Sunday. They gave me diazepam (which is somewhat helpful, at least to sleep) and said they'd ring me on Monday (ie after I plan to ctb ). Me and my partner asked how bad I'd need to be for more in-depth help / intervention. Nothing. (Partner is currently away for several weeks, hence the risk).

I'm not 100% I want to die, but I also know every time I make myself stay I later regret it. And I feel vindicated now that I've begged and pleaded for help so so much.

What does help mean in this context if you don't mind me asking?

 

[Smart No More]

I get it.

It's weird though isn't it.....that those that don't want intervention get it forced upon them and those that seek it get turned away.

Why is this?

I see it mirrored in a lot of aspects of life and the medical system. For example if you sit in front of a doctor and say very little about what's wrong they will work harder to get info from you on the matter whereas if you offer it up in detail they will switch off.

If you make something unattainable it creates demand and if you make something available on tap the demand drops off.

In some areas of life this is entirely understandable but when it's carried over into matters of importance it seems incredibly unjust and somewhat naive where human interaction is involved. It's something you expect a medical professional to see past for example. It's a very basic facet of human nature and the fact they don't self correct to accommodate this seems like more of a choice than an oversight and therefore seems prejudicial, judgmental and mean IMHO.

I say this having experienced a massive barrier to treatment due to similar judgment at the hands of a doctor. It's a really heartless environment to be in at times. So I feel for OP.

I must say that, whilst I understand where you're coming from when you say it would prove them right, were you to be around to answer the call on Monday I don't entirely agree. Whilst they might see it that way, it isn't true based on their particular logic. Things aren't that black and white. As you pointed out, you don't feel entirely like you want to go and this is something most suicidal people tussle with. As such the timing of our eventual act doesn't indicate much other than when we chose to actually do it. Much like when we chose to eat doesn't indicate whether we were ever hungry or not. There are other influencing logistical factors. We know we will eat but when we eat doesn't happen the instant we feel hunger.

 

[Unsure_about_living]

What does help mean in this context if you don't mind me asking?

Good question, and one I don't have an answer to. But to be honest, any kind of somewhat consistent contact (ie not a new person for a whole traumatic assessment each time) would be helpful. At the moment it's purely being passed from team to team and sitting of waiting lists for help I may or may not be eligible for

I get it.

It's weird though isn't it.....that those that don't want intervention get it forced upon them and those that seak it get turned away.

Why is this?

I see it mirrored in a lot of aspects of life and the medical system. For example if yoy sit in front of a doctor and say very little about what's wrong they will work harder to get info from you on the matter whereas if you offer it up in detail they will switch off.

If you make something unattainable it creates demand and if you make something available on tap the demand drops off.

In some areas of life this is entirely understandable but when it's carried over into matters if importance it seems incredibly unjust and sonewhat naive where human interaction is involved. It's something you expect a medical professional to see past for example. It's a very basic facet of himan nature and the fact they don't self correct to accommodate this seems like more of a choice than an oversight and is therefore prejudicial, judgmental and mean IMHO.

I say this having experienced a massive barrier to treatment due to similar judgment at the hands of a doctor. It's a really heartless environment to be in at times. So I feel for OP.

I must say that, whilst I understand where you're coming from when you say it would peove them right, were you to be around to answer the call on Monday I don't entirely agree. Whilst they might see it that way, it isn't true based on their particular logic. Things aren't that black and white. As you pointed out, you don't feel entirely like you want to go and this is something most suicidal people tussle with. As such the timing of our eventual act doesn't indicate much other than when we chose to actually do it. Much like when we chose to eat doesn't indicate whether we were ever hungry ir not. There are other influencing logistical factors. We know we will eat but when we eat doesn't happen the instant we feel hunger.

YES all of this. We're told to ask when we need help, and those who ctb are mourned with people saying "I wish they'd reached out". But when we say "ok now is the really bad time so I am asking for help", it evaporates.

But I take on board your other points too about the timing

 

[Smart No More]

Good question, and one I don't have an answer to. But to be honest, any kind of somewhat consistent contact (ie not a new person for a whole traumatic assessment each time) would be helpful. At the moment it's purely being passed from team to team and sitting of waiting lists for help I may or may not be eligible for

YES all of this. We're told to ask when we need help, and those who ctb are mourned with people saying "I wish they'd reached out". But when we say "ok now is the really bad time so I am asking for help", it evaporates.

But I take on board your other points too about the timing

Just for the sake of clarity, I wasn't picking fault in what you were saying. Just wanted to say, don't let their ill informed parameters and understanding cause you to act. Fuck them. Do you. Though I know and understand it isn't always so easy to feel and act that way. It just bugs me how their actions and judgment can have us questioning ourselves against our better judgment and ultimately have a very detrimental impact. They say they can't justify euthanasia because they're here to save life but actions speak louder and their actions have implications the reach out much further than their blinkered and small minded ecosystems.

 

[Unsure_about_living]

Just foe the sake of clarity, I wasn't picking fault in what you were saying. Just wanted to say, don't let their ill informed parameters and understanding cause you to act. Fuck them. Do you. Though I know and understand it isn't always so easy to feel and act that way. It just bugs me how their actions and judgment can have us questioning ourselves against our better judgment and ultimately have a very detrimental impact. They say they can't justify euthanasia because they're here to save life but actions speak louder and their actions have implications the reach out much further than their blinkered and small minded ecosystems.

No no, I get you I have the same debate in my head of knowing they are being detrimental, wanting to give into that, but also wanting to say "fuck you" I'll do it if/when I want to.

Thank you for clarifying that it's not just me being insane!

 

[Unsure_about_living]

Printed out the suicide note I'd been editing on my phone over the last few days. I think I may really try it tonight. But we'll see, you never know until you do. If I take SN I'll update my experience for the sake of others' learning

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so shocked by this. I guess I'm just really naive. I thought the moment you indicated you had a plan for suicide, they would commit you. I'm so sorry- I agree- it takes a lot to reach out for help and to be smacked down has got to feel so isolating. Plus- it's really playing Russian roulette with your life!

I agree with other posts though- do what feels right for you. Don't do it just to act on what you've said but if the time does feel right, then I wish you a peaceful journey.

 

[Unsure_about_living]

I'm so shocked by this. I guess I'm just really naive. I thought the moment you indicated you had a plan for suicide, they would commit you. I'm so sorry- I agree- it takes a lot to reach out for help and to be smacked down has got to feel so isolating. Plus- it's really playing Russian roulette with your life!

I agree with other posts though- do what feels right for you. Don't do it just to act on what you've said but if the time does feel right, then I wish you a peaceful journey.

Im guessing you're not from the UK?! It just doesn't work that way here. On the plus side, we get more autonomy, on the downside no help when begging for it and would rather be locked up.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Im guessing you're not from the UK?! It just doesn't work that way here. On the plus side, we get more autonomy, on the downside no help when begging for it and would rather be locked up.

I am in the UK but I haven't had much dealings with our 'support' system. Saw a college councillor once and went on antidepressants for a while but I've never told a proffessional outright that I feel suicidal.

 

[William01]

Im guessing you're not from the UK?! It just doesn't work that way here. On the plus side, we get more autonomy, on the downside no help when begging for it and would rather be locked up.

I am from Northern Ireland UK and I can relate to some of your saying about mental health services. Last few times I went absolutely no good output from it. Once then came and seen me in the waiting room speaking in front of other ppl so I took the conversation out to the hall way for more privacy. Mental health services here are awful. But I'm surprised they didn't section u for telling I had a plan they were meant to. But qs stated above don't just do it to prove them wrong you right kind of thing. What part of uk are u in?

 

[Unsure_about_living]

I am from Northern Ireland UK and I can relate to some of your saying about mental health services. Last few times I went absolutely no good output from it. Once then came and seen me in the waiting room speaking in front of other ppl so I took the conversation out to the hall way for more privacy. Mental health services here are awful. But I'm surprised they didn't section u for telling I had a plan they were meant to. But qs stated above don't just do it to prove them wrong you right kind of thing. What part of uk are u in?

Wales

 

[Lost Magic]

I wouldn't mention SN or any specifics to the likes of LE or Clinical types. It just gives them an excuse to lock people up or clamp down on more peaceful methods. Having said that I wish you well on your journey. I hope you can get through these hard times in a dignified way.

 

[Dot]

U.k m.h wrds d/ nt hve mny bds avlble s/ thy wll only gve u a bd if u attmpt providng u srvive - othrwse thy r kpt fr ppl suffrng psychoss e.t.c in ordr 2 medc8 thm or if u gnuinly belve u cnnt kp urslf sfe

 

[William01]

Wales

Just plz think.... on Thursday night I went home after the pub with the sole intention to hang myself, but because my brother was there it stopped me. Got a call then from mental health services on Friday checking in on me because my counsellor reported me. They did say about crisis team - was with them once hated them because the weekend team couldn't get around the fact I sleep in late and couldn't be up early enough to take a call! I got very angry and demanded to be immediately discharged. At the time they knew I had suspected Austism (which I've since been diagnosed) q big part of that is routines and not liking abrupt changes... the week days teams were OK but weekend team a nightmare!! Uncompromising qnd really awkward!! Just be sure. Maybe wait til your partner is back with u?

 

[Unsure_about_living]

I wouldn't mention SN or any specifics to the likes of LE or Clinical types. It just gives them an excuse to lock people up or clamp down on more peaceful methods. Having said that I wish you well on your journey. I hope you can get through these hard times in a dignified way.

LE?

 

[dustyfurcollector]

Been through all of the various UK services over and over again over the last 2 months (and previously over the last 3 years), each one refering me onto the next service, agreeing I need help but that it shouldn't be from them. Emergency appointment yesterday after I said I had firm plans for Sunday. They gave me diazepam (which is somewhat helpful, at least to sleep) and said they'd ring me on Monday (ie after I plan to ctb ). Me and my partner asked how bad I'd need to be for more in-depth help / intervention. Nothing. (Partner is currently away for several weeks, hence the risk).

I'm not 100% I want to die, but I also know every time I make myself stay I later regret it. And I feel vindicated now that I've begged and pleaded for help so so much. (Please no one respond saying "if you're not 100% sure, you shouldn't do it", I believe we all have that instinct in us to live even if everything else points to leaving).

I have the SN, and some meds to reduce stomach acid/volume. Also have rope as I previously considered partial suspension, but I find it hard to imagine going through with this. I wrote my note on my phone (so that I can edit as I think of things, I'll print it out; also told the professionals this).

I think part of me feels like if I'm still safe when they (supposedly, I don't trust they will based on previous experiences) ring me on Monday then that proves them right. That I didn't really want to ctb at all and can get by with no help. And it means I'm forcing myself to go through this whole torturous NHS experience again, and again

I guess this is just a rant, who knows



I'm so sorry. Whatever you decide to do I hope you know you're worth it. You're worth choosing your own time.

 

[Unsure_about_living]

I just took my meds to reduce stomach acid (advised 40 mins prior to SN) but then gave in and rang 999. Estimated 5-8 hours for an ambulance to come, so probably still have time to do it

 

[Sick of it all]

LE?

Law Enforcement

 

[William01]

I just took my meds to reduce stomach acid (advised 40 mins prior to SN) but then gave in and rang 999. Estimated 5-8 hours for an ambulance to come, so probably still have time to do it

Without judgement my opinion is no, Your not ready yet and that's nothing to be ashamed about. Plz wait safely for ambulance or even go to a and e.

 

[Hollowillow]

Been through all of the various UK services over and over again over the last 2 months (and previously over the last 3 years), each one refering me onto the next service, agreeing I need help but that it shouldn't be from them. Emergency appointment yesterday after I said I had firm plans for Sunday. They gave me diazepam (which is somewhat helpful, at least to sleep) and said they'd ring me on Monday (ie after I plan to ctb ). Me and my partner asked how bad I'd need to be for more in-depth help / intervention. Nothing. (Partner is currently away for several weeks, hence the risk).

I'm not 100% I want to die, but I also know every time I make myself stay I later regret it. And I feel vindicated now that I've begged and pleaded for help so so much. (Please no one respond saying "if you're not 100% sure, you shouldn't do it", I believe we all have that instinct in us to live even if everything else points to leaving).

I have the SN, and some meds to reduce stomach acid/volume. Also have rope as I previously considered partial suspension, but I find it hard to imagine going through with this. I wrote my note on my phone (so that I can edit as I think of things, I'll print it out; also told the professionals this).

I think part of me feels like if I'm still safe when they (supposedly, I don't trust they will based on previous experiences) ring me on Monday then that proves them right. That I didn't really want to ctb at all and can get by with no help. And it means I'm forcing myself to go through this whole torturous NHS experience again, and again

I guess this is just a rant, who knows.

This post was suggested after mine, sorry to revive it but it was interesting. I wanted to ask why amyone would warn of their death if they didn't want to be ressurected into a paralyzed vegetable (my worst fear) but the post was even more interesting. It shows how much health care don't give a damn.

"each one refering me onto the next service, agreeing I need help but that it shouldn't be from them."

This. This is why I want to die. Not even trauma, not even unbearable physical pain... Being invalidated as a person, that my physical pain isn't real, that I'm just insane... And when I finally end up on my knee agreeing to any help, even psychiatry... I'm passed around like a ping pong ball. Even banned.

I want to die

 

[broken_songbird]

Been through all of the various UK services over and over again over the last 2 months (and previously over the last 3 years), each one refering me onto the next service, agreeing I need help but that it shouldn't be from them. Emergency appointment yesterday after I said I had firm plans for Sunday. They gave me diazepam (which is somewhat helpful, at least to sleep) and said they'd ring me on Monday (ie after I plan to ctb ). Me and my partner asked how bad I'd need to be for more in-depth help / intervention. Nothing. (Partner is currently away for several weeks, hence the risk).

I'm not 100% I want to die, but I also know every time I make myself stay I later regret it. And I feel vindicated now that I've begged and pleaded for help so so much. (Please no one respond saying "if you're not 100% sure, you shouldn't do it", I believe we all have that instinct in us to live even if everything else points to leaving).

I have the SN, and some meds to reduce stomach acid/volume. Also have rope as I previously considered partial suspension, but I find it hard to imagine going through with this. I wrote my note on my phone (so that I can edit as I think of things, I'll print it out; also told the professionals this).

I think part of me feels like if I'm still safe when they (supposedly, I don't trust they will based on previous experiences) ring me on Monday then that proves them right. That I didn't really want to ctb at all and can get by with no help. And it means I'm forcing myself to go through this whole torturous NHS experience again, and again

I guess this is just a rant, who knows.

Begging for help is so degrading. As a society we place so much importance on preserving life at all costs, regardless of its quality. Then we're relegated to begging for our own lives, bounced around from one professional to the next because none of them actually know what to do. I was triggered into a panic attack in an appointment with my psychiatrist once and the guy completely froze. After several years of appointments with him, it's clear he's a glorified drug dealer who isn't good for much of anything else. And if I was that guy having spent all that time and money for schooling just to be a well paid pusher, I'd hate myself. But he prevails and I'm the one with a suicide plan. It's ironic.

And you're SO right. Whenever someone threatens ctb and doesn't follow through, it makes those idiots pat themselves on the back like they actually did something. And while they're stretching to reach, they're mumbling something about how the patient is just crazy and never planned to do it anyways. Such good people working in mental health, shuffling us around like garbage, pushing us on other "professionals," taking credit for stupid shit that isn't helpful.

 

[Tortured Existence]

I'm so shocked by this. I guess I'm just really naive. I thought the moment you indicated you had a plan for suicide, they would commit you. I'm so sorry- I agree- it takes a lot to reach out for help and to be smacked down has got to feel so isolating. Plus- it's really playing Russian roulette with your life!

I agree with other posts though- do what feels right for you. Don't do it just to act on what you've said but if the time does feel right, then I wish you a peaceful journey.

This is 100% true in the US.

 

[takemenowpls]

I'm so shocked by this. I guess I'm just really naive. I thought the moment you indicated you had a plan for suicide, they would commit you. I'm so sorry- I agree- it takes a lot to reach out for help and to be smacked down has got to feel so isolating. Plus- it's really playing Russian roulette with your life!

I agree with other posts though- do what feels right for you. Don't do it just to act on what you've said but if the time does feel right, then I wish you a peaceful journey.

Yeah. I can't believe what I read either. In the US You tell the wrong person that they call 911 and your going away for a while.

 

[Mtnwildflowers]

Yeah. I can't believe what I read either. In the US You tell the wrong person that they call 911 and your going away for a while.

Depends on who you are. I've seen people sent away in the US

 

[Dying2DieDamnSI]

Yeah. I can't believe what I read either. In the US You tell the wrong person that they call 911 and your going away for a while.

Pretty much everyone is the "wrong person," even someone who was supposed to be your friend.

 

[jodes2]

Good question, and one I don't have an answer to. But to be honest, any kind of somewhat consistent contact (ie not a new person for a whole traumatic assessment each time) would be helpful. At the moment it's purely being passed from team to team and sitting of waiting lists for help I may or may not be eligible for

YES all of this. We're told to ask when we need help, and those who ctb are mourned with people saying "I wish they'd reached out". But when we say "ok now is the really bad time so I am asking for help", it evaporates.

But I take on board your other points too about the timing

In the NHS it's very hard to be assigned someone long term because they're so short of resources. Getting a CPN is rare, and if you do get a psychiatrist, you'll be lucky to see them once every 2-3 months. Therapy is rare too and the waiting lists are long. Although I do wonder why you're being passed from pillar to post. Typical NHS inefficiency I guess. Fucking NHS

 

[Mtnwildflowers]

Pretty much everyone is the "wrong person," even someone who was supposed to be your friend.

Yeah. I can't believe what I read either. In the US You tell the wrong person that they call 911 and your going away for a while.

I've seen it happen to numerous people with frequent hospitalizations for self harm and homeless people in the US not being admitted. Both with specific plans that weren't "believed". Happens more than you think.