Venting Dedicated thread for my mental status & Some venting

[plan c]

Okay. I decide to start writing about my experiences at sasu and with my mental health issues. This is where i keep these entries.

It's mainly about my mental status, things i encounter and learn, ppl i meet and spend time with. There will be venting as well. tho I'll try to be honest and neutrally-friendly most of the times.
I'll keep triggering elements at a minimum. When I do include writing that is potentally disturbing i'll use spoilers with explicit mentions. Otherwise a spoiler is used just to tidy up the interface.
U may find my words too mechanical probably. it looks like weather forcasting or AI-generated sometimes. dont mind me :)

Entry 1. Apr. 11, 2025.
sleep: 20:51 (-1D)
wake: 4:03
bipolar: Hybrid
avail: low
therapy: -

Hello sasu. It's a fair day in hk. i have too low availability to walk the harbour, neither can i write too much. i have a clue thst sth triggered me earlier and i had to spend lots of cognitive resources walking it off. but i think i got quite decent sleep. perhaps the best in the past 30 days.

I've seen lots of goodbye threads lately. although i subjectively try to respond to them i find myself getting emotionally worn out gradually. It's not like that i dont care for ppl anymore, but rather i cannot allocate too much cog-res i'm already short of.

Entertainment and distraction no longer works too well for me. I know i cant waste too much energy. Need to hold the fort with whatever is left.

I hope i find some power to finish my work. and an online course about clinical psychology. im sorry (to myself) i hardly progressed on both. The minecraft movie has rolled out and i really hope i could find it in my mind to watch it too.

I also apologize (to myself) that i lied to my parents. I didn't go to therapy today. And i didn't meet my doctor bc i was in a distorted state and couldn't leave my house. I hope i don't judge myself for this. at least dont let it linger in my subconsciousness too long.

I'm gonna grab my first meal. For too long the words "breakfast, lunch and dinner" has become somewhat alien to me. it's bc of dsps. (delayed-sleep-phase syndrome or whatever abbr. it could be) Anyway I'm gonna live with this for years to come.

Being on sasu has helped me a lot. It's good to see ppl here both accepting and resonating with my emotions, and are honestly open about their feelings too. My subconsciousness is becoming more accessible, and im more aware of what i feel or think deep down, having more management over the complexity of my mentality in general. Strangely it's far better for my mental health than some "pro-life" media / forums.

Anyway it's good to see ya all!

P.S. I decide to start doing some geocaching, bc i suppose through this i'd be capable of correlating a place with some unique new memories, that is potentially gonna override traumatic ones. Also it's one of the few offline/ outdoors stuff available over 24-hrs. I have a motorbike and a bicycle and i also think i'm not a noob in finding streets or buildings around hk. im open to all kinda tips and suggestions!

 

[plan c]

Entry 2. Apr. 12, 2025.
Sleep: 18:50 (-1D)
Wake: 3:45
Bipolar: Mania
Avail: High
Therapy: -

Today is one of the days for mania carnival. I went and helped my parents emptying their apartment for a moving day.

I thought it could be a bad trip on a number of levels, worried about damaging my mental health mostly, bc how they reacted to my mental deviations and how they were out of touch. But it turned out wasn't that bad,as long as i was capable of putting on a facade and i avoided showing my symptoms. Without the therapist i somehow have an alternative place to vent, justify my emotions and explore my mentality here on sasu ( thx to all of those who contributes to this community! ALL of u beloved ppl ), which makes it easier to hide away temporary in presence of my family. Luckily i wasn't triggered and was somehow able to use my mania energy to its full.

I've been practicing one of my favorite songs from a musical. I've been doing both piano and vocal and today i somehow managed to merge them together. I'd call it a huge progress! (srry i couldn't share sth like a video for sake of privacy) I think i didn't have enough emotional availability to make my music flow when i had depression, and things can just be totally different in mania phase. although i still have to hone my skills a bit... can't afford to waste too much mania time. I'm not the best singer and pianist but that music means a lot to me so i wanna give it my best shot.

I'll return to the place i rent near college and do some of my study tonight. Yesterday i found an interesting math problem and i decide to give it a try today. i also have to do a code... lots of expectations from a mania phase as usual haha.

P.S. I broke my bike yesterday on my way to the very first treasure hunt in hk lol. Have to take it to the shop. I'd better do it soon before my magic wears off. and hopefully i'll retrace my track yesterday and find my first treasure. yay!

P.P.S. I'm gonna look for a nutrition counselor. ( not like a full-time therapist, only a few appointments are sufficient ) The last "chaotic-era" when my delayed sleeping phase brought me to timezones all around the world somehow gave me weakness and mul-nutrition. I wish i could make some difference with these mania days.

 

[plan c]

Entry 3. Apr.13, 2025.
Sleep: 18:51 (-1D)
Wake: 5:28
Bipolar: Mania
Avail: Average
Therapy: -

A day without outbreak / trigger ( At least for now) reminds me of those weekends without homework deadlines a few years ago. Got plenty of sleep due to no anxiety attack so far. Gonna spend most of my time outside.

Im gonna make this a short entry. Goodbye and have a hopefully better day every1.

 

[plan c]

Entry 4. Apr.14, 2025.
Sleep: 21:49 (-1D)
Wake: 6:48

 

[plan c]

Entry 5. Apr. 26, 2025.
Sleep: 20:29
Wake: 4:10
bp: Mania
avl: Average

I thought I could keep an entry every day but as I myself have expected I kinda underestimated depression. Well. It happens all the time.

Yesterday I went on a little trip. Decided to pick up some cycling energy on my way to one of those mountainous sceneic spots. Weather was horrible and I had to give up half way.

The days of missing entries span one cycle through the timezones. and it's sth like the 95th cycle my bioclock has undergone. I never had statistics for my schedule too detailed yet there's usually between 15 to 20 cycles per year. I hope I can keep writing daily, or at least record my schedules each day for this upcoming cycle. I need to know more about one of the major disorders keeping me plagued at the moment. If this ever works I'll be completing a most powerful thing and perhaps I can find ways to counter delayed sleep-phases. Talk about how data and statistics could bring insight and possibilities. It's not a time to get worked up on an ego but I used to be an ee-cs major and all. Shouldn't be that hard.

Also... It finally came to my mind to watch the minecraft movie yesterday! I've been an active minecraft player since 1.2. and have spent more than 1500 hours in minecraft. I once owned a server and played hardcore survival on it but decided to abandon it after I (tragically) somehow died last year. Wasn't as active as before since then. I didn't get to fulfill some of my expectations from a movie like that this time. There are some well-known memes and drama but I thought it would do better on a plot development and go deeper on the topic of creativity as well as game-versus-reality. However it did give me passion for minecraft for a while. I decide to watch a second time and l'lI make a 3d-printed creeper face trinklet that I'll wear on my arm. Sounds like fun.

It's time I hop back to school the day after tomorrow. i haven't been attending lectures for most of this term but tomorrow's physics will be about one of my favorite topics. I'll give that a try before the mania magic wears off.

 

[plan c]

Entry 6. Apr. 30, 2025.
Sleep: 1:30
Wake: 8:14
bp: Hybrid
avl: Average

Hello sasu. Today is one of the days blessed with beautiful sky. Decide to go for a walk outside if I ever care to.

Looks like the days of displaced sleeping phases are around the corner. I'll do my best to keep an entry for each day after this one. I have a feeling when I write this entry, that I subconsciously bond my attitude to the amount of writing I do, and I sorta blame myself for not writing as much and as elaborated on a depression / hybrid episode as a mania. This bond is not favorable obviously. I shouldn't judge myself tho I at least try writing one sentence upon depression, just to fill up on the statistics.

Also I noticed the other day, that I'm gradually neutralizing the act of visiting sasu. I do not have to be very mentally broken-down or suicidal to justify the act that I come here and vent a bit. It's simply bc how my social functions and treatment fail to meet my needs.

I wanna spend some time in chatrooms today, so the writing ends here. Take care and be safe, everyone.

 

[plan c]

Entry 7. May. 1, 2025.
Sleep: 2:10
Wake: 9:21
bp: Depression (i think)
avl: low

I can get over this.

 

[plan c]

8.
s/w: 7:?? (-1D) ~ 12:?? (-1D)
bp: Depn.
avl: low

Underestimated depression again. Thought this statistics would keep up but memory serves too poorly for 24hrs without sleep and can't even recall when I woke and/or had a meal.

depression/mania counter could be statistically biased since i dont take notes properly on depression. okay. stop blaming myself

update: phase shift coming sooner than expected. could be med

 

[plan c]

9:
s/w: 15:2? ~ 19:50
bip: Depn.
avl: low

Dissociated a bit "yesterday", I mean, before my sleep, and wasn't triggered by anything explicit. Luckily I think the med I took was kinda working. (hopefully)

I'm having anxiety right now. For some implicit and inexplicable reasons I feel restless, and fear is coming out of nowhere. Guess this is how human instinct coded us to respond to sleep deprivation. I need to talk to myself and find out what is stirring in my subc. (see if staying on sasu is gonna flush it out)

 

[plan c]

Okay. I think mr. depression is on a day-off now. The statistics is much harder to do than I supposed. Sometimes it's not really "depression" in a way. A form of abrupt trigger/dissociation comes around and suddenly it drains away all power. Now it's almost 3am and I'm not drunk. talk about miracle lol.

I hope I could lodge in a hospital and the hopefully responsible doctor could track my schedule for me. Yet to me it's like daydreaming. Beyond possible. I know it won't happen. I know I won't get help. Fantasizing is too temporary. Fantasizing a somewhat better life can't be a reason to carry on. It can't be. But it has to be. I have to forget. Have to dissociate. Have to cast things and ppl and myself aside.