Told my father

[GottaGo]

My parents have been living with me since November and the stress has been piling up. Before they live with me I never had the immediate urges to ctb but them plus a whole year of quarantine changed things.
They are good people and provided me with food, house, and a good education. I know I shouldn't blame others for problems I have in my own life especially when I'm an adult now. But I just can't shake the feeling that maybe if they've done somethings differently I can convince myself that I deserve happiness.
Anyways, today I got up the courage and told my father I've been looking into suicide methods online and have the urges to kill myself. I don't know why I feel like I should tell him, probably because I still have some hope of getting out of this shitty useless life I have. But he got irritated and told me I shouldn't scare my parents and I should just go see a doctor bc he don't know how to help me.
My dad is an alpha male. He owns his own company, works hard to provide for the family and the society. And part of me always feel like I failed as his son because I turned out to be a sensitive and weak guy. I couldn't provide for anyone let alone myself. I don't know what I should feel. I am kind of speechless for his reactions but not surprised. I don't know what I was expecting from him. I'm kind of regretting telling him about it. It is only my problem, I see now this will forever be my problem. And I will forever be alone.
Thanks for reading up my vent. Hope 2021 is treating y'all well.
Also just ordered SN today after talking with him. Having it on hand should help me make better decisions.
I'm my parents' only kid so I am feeling guilty of thinking about ctb. But they are rich enough to take care of themselves so hopefully they will find their ways of forgiving me if I do leave.

 

[Dortydoo]

This is pretty much how i feel except the fact that i dont want to tell anyone about my plans. im very lazy and id say covid made me weaker person so i just cant imagine having a good future. I wish you all the best and hope you will find piece

 

[GottaGo]

This is pretty much how i feel except the fact that i dont want to tell anyone about my plans. im very lazy and id say covid made me weaker person so i just cant imagine having a good future. I wish you all the best and hope you will find piece

Sorry to hear that buddy. Hope we can both find some peace somehow.

 

[Deleted member 25174]

I'm sorry he reacted like that. But as he said himself you scared him and as an alpha male he won't like feeling scared so his defenses went straight up. That's why I would never tell my family, they'd say I was ridiculous and I'd feel even worse

 

[GottaGo]

I'm sorry he reacted like that. But as he said himself you scared him and as an alpha male he won't like feeling scared so his defenses went straight up. That's why I would never tell my family, they'd say I was ridiculous and I'd feel even worse

Hey man. It's been a couple days but I actually have no regrets of telling him. That was my try of communicating and I think I did the right thing. I thought about why I was scared of telling him, and it mainly came from me fearing of failing his expectations. But after telling him, I felt like a rock was lifted. I have nothing to fear anymore because I already ruined his expectation lol. My SN came too but I don't have the urge of opening the package. There is nowhere to go but up.
I really appreciate of you replying this post. Hope the best for you.

 

[pen]

I'm glad you'd done that, they're now bound to help you're them.

Take it easy, if doesn't improve then at least they'll no why you did it.

Buy

 

[nowhere2befound]

Absent father and overprotecting mother?? Freud joins the conversation..

 

[pen]

Absent father and overprotecting mother?? Freud joins the conversation..

And CTB relieves both.

 

[GottaGo]

Absent father and overprotecting mother?? Freud joins the conversation..

Haha. Absent father yes. Overprotecting mother no. My mom is kind of like a kid and I need to help her with a lot of the stuff. Thanks for the comment man :)

And CTB relieves both.

I received my SN a while back and I actually felt like life is worth another try. Idk. The thought of never able to have a kid and provide them the best environment of growing up kind of changed me.

 

[L951788]

Telling my family was a stupid mistake. My stupid mom got me into therapy talking about things for years and it only made things worse and was just a cycle of pity. My mom getting me into the psychiatry and psychology system at 5 years old is what ruined my life. But it was bound to happen I guess. The ultimate thing that ruined my life was being born to my mother and father. When they doctor shopped me as a kid the psychologists would say there's nothing wrong with me and they needed to change their parenting. But oh well. I got a lot of weird punishments at that age. Being splashed with water. Mouth washed out with soap. Being locked in my room.

Don't feel bad. I hate my parents. I wish I was never born to them. I wish I could've been adopted like my half-brother who my mom had to put up for adoption because she had substance issues and was in college and couldn't take care of him. He ended up fine after going to a nice family.

My parents should've never gotten married. My dad never had interest in my mom but for some reason married her. My mom would always gossip to me. All the guys she was with before were all better than my dad. And then right after they got married on their honeymoon even, it was a nightmare. My dad treated my mom terribly and spent time in bars instead of spending time with her on their honeymoon.

Then for some reason they had me. And started basically Munchausen by Proxy when I was just a 5 year old little boy.

That's why even though sometimes I feel like a loser for my situation in life, I feel validated at least. I always tried. Did my best in all areas in life. But had the cards stacked against me. Those two people shouldn't have been raising kids. If you've seen my posts in other threads you'll know my story has basically been a nightmare.

So don't feel bad. Feel angry like I do maybe. Because I'm extremely unhappy about all of it. My mom's brother last year said "there's something to be said about a 24 year old man who still lives with his parents." He knows nothing of what's happened in my life. Or of my physical health problems or mental distress.

If he said that to me in real life and not over the phone I would've KILLED him on the spot. And if the police managed to get me alive I would spend every day in prison ruminating on the ecstasy of absolutely slaughtering a little piece of meaty human bratty garbage that deserved it.

Get angry my friend. Maybe I should start a Sanctioned Homicide website as well.

 

[Makko]

Parents will never be satisifed. They're like that one irrational client who keeps coming back to buy your services but always has tons of complaints about how you perform them.

Maybe I should start a Sanctioned Homicide website as well.

I'd join.

 

[GottaGo]

Telling my family was a stupid mistake. My stupid mom got me into therapy talking about things for years and it only made things worse and was just a cycle of pity. My mom getting me into the psychiatry and psychology system at 5 years old is what ruined my life. But it was bound to happen I guess. The ultimate thing that ruined my life was being born to my mother and father. When they doctor shopped me as a kid the psychologists would say there's nothing wrong with me and they needed to change their parenting. But oh well. I got a lot of weird punishments at that age. Being splashed with water. Mouth washed out with soap. Being locked in my room.

Don't feel bad. I hate my parents. I wish I was never born to them. I wish I could've been adopted like my half-brother who my mom had to put up for adoption because she had substance issues and was in college and couldn't take care of him. He ended up fine after going to a nice family.

My parents should've never gotten married. My dad never had interest in my mom but for some reason married her. My mom would always gossip to me. All the guys she was with before were all better than my dad. And then right after they got married on their honeymoon even, it was a nightmare. My dad treated my mom terribly and spent time in bars instead of spending time with her on their honeymoon.

Then for some reason they had me. And started basically Munchausen by Proxy when I was just a 5 year old little boy.

That's why even though sometimes I feel like a loser for my situation in life, I feel validated at least. I always tried. Did my best in all areas in life. But had the cards stacked against me. Those two people shouldn't have been raising kids. If you've seen my posts in other threads you'll know my story has basically been a nightmare.

So don't feel bad. Feel angry like I do maybe. Because I'm extremely unhappy about all of it. My mom's brother last year said "there's something to be said about a 24 year old man who still lives with his parents." He knows nothing of what's happened in my life. Or of my physical health problems or mental distress.

If he said that to me in real life and not over the phone I would've KILLED him on the spot. And if the police managed to get me alive I would spend every day in prison ruminating on the ecstasy of absolutely slaughtering a little piece of meaty human bratty garbage that deserved it.

Get angry my friend. Maybe I should start a Sanctioned Homicide website as well.

Sounds like you had it real rough buddy...I'm sorry to hear that. My dad hit me and locked my up a lot too but I think you had it worse. You got emotionally abused too. They really should to to jail for that and there really should be tests couples need to pass before having a kid!

I want to be angry too but I guess it's just my personality. I still want to have a kid and give him/her a completely different childhood than the one I was provided. How about you? Anything that keeps you going?

 

[262653]

Lol, I'm definitely not telling my father. I went on with a tirade about how the point of my life doesn't belong to a locus of points that I would like to have, and how it is counterintuitive for me to stay alive. He didn't make an impression of an understanding person, but of someone who would disown me or snitch to a local life-policing station.

Family and close ones are probably one of the last people who would react with acceptance or validation after coming out as suicidal.

 

[L951788]

Sounds like you had it real rough buddy...I'm sorry to hear that. My dad hit me and locked my up a lot too but I think you had it worse. You got emotionally abused too. They really should to to jail for that and there really should be tests couples need to pass before having a kid!

I want to be angry too but I guess it's just my personality. I still want to have a kid and give him/her a completely different childhood than the one I was provided. How about you? Anything that keeps you going?

I'm angry but I have to keep it under a lid or else I end up in a cell. If prisons weren't a thing I'd already be a murderer, arson, property destroyer, Etc. I've been kept in a mental prison my whole life anyways.

I for one am never having kids. MAYBE if I won the lotto and I could get the kid generically tested for health problems and make sure they had a good life.

In terms of what keeps me going. There's not much. I have the means to off myself whenever I want now but the thoughts of not waking up are still getting to me. For some reason I'm still here. I'm not ready to quit the game yet but depending on how worse it could get I may be outta here. If I'm ever faced with prison/homelessness I'll be gone. For now I can manage even though every day mostly sucks. Even my dear dog who I love to death isn't enough to keep me going. I often tell myself it would be better for me not to be around anyways since me and my dad can fight which scares him. Best for him not to have conflict in the house.

Lol, I'm definitely not telling my father. I went on with a tirade about how the point of my life doesn't belong to a locus of points that I would like to have, and how it is counterintuitive for me to stay alive. He didn't make an impression of an understanding person, but of someone who would disown me or snitch to a local life-policing station.

Family and close ones are probably one of the last people who would react with acceptance or validation after coming out as suicidal.

Agree with this whole post right here. Ironically it is a girl on the other side of the planet whom I've never met who is the only person I feel comfortable talking about this with, KIND OF, and that's cuz she also had some rough parents and has been suicidal.

Talking with distant friends or over the internet about it is the best way to go. Talking about it with family or therapists or anyone in the psych industry is a big NOPE and will only lead to further headaches.

 

[WornOutLife]

Most of the times people tell their parents, gf, bf, etc about their ctb, there's mostly never a positive outcome.
Still, sometimes you just need to vend and talk about it and do it.

My parents learned about my suicidal thoughts after my failed attempt last August and since then, treated me like a guy who could ctb at anytime. They were really scared of me dying anytime soon. They were in panic.

Fortunately, half a year has passed by and I'm free again and they trust me.

Yet, the reality is that sooner or later I'll ctb but I just can't talk to them about it.