B
Blankcanvas
Member
- Sep 10, 2020
- 6
I've not long moved into a new apartment with my bf of 4 years. We've lived together for a few years now and as explicitly nice he is, he somehow makes me feel like the most unimportant person in the world. He's not the root of my depression but his inability to uphold a conversation really adds to it.
Today was supposed to be a good day. Yesterday I achieved my basic tasks of tidying my room and taking care of myself and my dog and I really felt like I was back on a roll. But this morning as I sat eating breakfast with my boyfriend everything quickly turned awful again. I made some generic conversation about a whirlwind of dust outside the window and he sat there blankly staring at me and not saying a word. I lost it, I told him I was sick of being ignored and I have no idea why I'm in this relationship when he can't even talk to me. I threw both my plate and glass at the wall as I left to lock myself in the bathroom. The glass destroyed the tiles of the kitchen, typical me ruining things.
After this anger is where I'd get really upset and overwhelmed but lately I just feel at peace. That's how I felt 4 weeks ago when I found myself in the same situation and attempted to hang myself, peaceful. Of course my boyfriend found me unconscious and vouched to be more attentive and caring.
But what's strange to me is today as I found myself taking a time out in the bathroom he left me in there for over 40 minutes and he didn't even bother to check on me. It's not the reason I locked myself in there for him to check it's a habit we we lived in a studio and the bathroom was the only privacy I got.
i know being so upset at being ignored might seem like a really silly thing. But I've spent a long time living with this boy and I have to constantly ask him to reply to me when I speak to him. It's also been a cycle of me trying to explain my depression and he just hugs me as though a physical touch is what I need. My 'friends' joke he's a robot but the thing is it's not like he struggles emotionally , he always cry's. He just doesn't see the importance in talking to me.
I've never felt so alone, but I'm stuck. Why do people insist on making us live for them only to hurt us? That is what is unfair.
Today was supposed to be a good day. Yesterday I achieved my basic tasks of tidying my room and taking care of myself and my dog and I really felt like I was back on a roll. But this morning as I sat eating breakfast with my boyfriend everything quickly turned awful again. I made some generic conversation about a whirlwind of dust outside the window and he sat there blankly staring at me and not saying a word. I lost it, I told him I was sick of being ignored and I have no idea why I'm in this relationship when he can't even talk to me. I threw both my plate and glass at the wall as I left to lock myself in the bathroom. The glass destroyed the tiles of the kitchen, typical me ruining things.
After this anger is where I'd get really upset and overwhelmed but lately I just feel at peace. That's how I felt 4 weeks ago when I found myself in the same situation and attempted to hang myself, peaceful. Of course my boyfriend found me unconscious and vouched to be more attentive and caring.
But what's strange to me is today as I found myself taking a time out in the bathroom he left me in there for over 40 minutes and he didn't even bother to check on me. It's not the reason I locked myself in there for him to check it's a habit we we lived in a studio and the bathroom was the only privacy I got.
i know being so upset at being ignored might seem like a really silly thing. But I've spent a long time living with this boy and I have to constantly ask him to reply to me when I speak to him. It's also been a cycle of me trying to explain my depression and he just hugs me as though a physical touch is what I need. My 'friends' joke he's a robot but the thing is it's not like he struggles emotionally , he always cry's. He just doesn't see the importance in talking to me.
I've never felt so alone, but I'm stuck. Why do people insist on making us live for them only to hurt us? That is what is unfair.