Today was my CTB day.

[ghostbird]

Today was the day I picked. I posted about it last week. Everything was in order. I had the SN. I'd sorted out all of my affairs.
But now that the time has come, I'm too fucking scared. Not of death, never of death. But of dying. Of pain.
I don't think I even wanted to die. Not really. I just wanted the suffering to end. As long as I live, it never will. I know that.
And yet? I'm a coward. I don't believe it takes courage to live. I believe it takes courage to die. Any coward can live.

I will not catch the bus today - but I have my ticket. I find comfort in knowing that I can redeem that ticket at any time.

Nevertheless, I will not die today.

What am I supposed to do now?

 

[アホペンギン]

Hey, if you're scared then you don't have to ctb immediately. Try to improve yourself and if it doesn't end up working then the last decision is yours to make. You have the ticket, you can use it at any time but the question of when is yours to answer. Sending you strength

 

[carac]

Now what? well I guess you try to get better. Get busy living or get busy dieing. try something, if that doesn't help try something else, if that doesn't work try something else, keep trying until something does or you've had enough.

 

[SkippingRope]

Today was the day I picked. I posted about it last week. Everything was in order. I had the SN. I'd sorted out all of my affairs.
But now that the time has come, I'm too fucking scared. Not of death, never of death. But of dying. Of pain.
I don't think I even wanted to die. Not really. I just wanted the suffering to end. As long as I live, it never will. I know that.
And yet? I'm a coward. I don't believe it takes courage to live. I believe it takes courage to die. Any coward can live.

I will not catch the bus today - but I have my ticket. I find comfort in knowing that I can redeem that ticket at any time.

Nevertheless, I will not die today.

What am I supposed to do now?

That's a hard question. If you feel good enough, I'd suggest not falling into the routine. Maybe trying something small and new every day could make your days more interesting. I myself struggle to do so, but I'd love to make it happen.

Second, maybe try finding some online friendships. It's always good to feel heard and understood (at least I think so).

Third, journaling maybe? Just anything that'll just get anything you have on your mind out to the world, to feel relief and get to know yourself better.

Just suggestions, if you want to talk with me, I'm always open

(Oh, I just reminded myself that affirmations are great)

 

[whywere]

First, thank you for still being here. I have not had the opportunity to converse with you yet, and you are a warm and thoughtful person.

It takes a hell of a lot of courage to face each and every day. After over 67 years here, at least in my opinion, each day is a fresh start that has good and bad elements to it.

If I may be so bold as to ask, what do you like to do? What are your hobbies, what do you like to work at?

I have had 2 attempts and believe me not only being held against my will in a hospital, BUT having to go to court and fight like heck so that I was NOT long term committed, was very unpleasant. Much more so than waking up each morning in my own bed.

You are an intelligent and caring person and take some time and think, get suggestions from others if wanted and watch a beautiful sunrise and/or sunset.

I did not go to college till I was 24, unlike so many others who went at 18, so what! I explored what I wanted, and I firmly believe that you have the same options if not more.

Sending you lots of huge hugs, love and if you want to pm me please feel free.

Walter

 

[Teleftaía Anapnoí]

Glad you're alive and well. Now I think you can go on living! Try new things. You already have your way out of this prison, calm your heart and go on.