Venting Today was interesting

[MiMif]

I was feeling awful last night and cut myself a bit but today I hung out with my friends cause they asked me to. (They ofcourde don't know I'm suicidal) and like at first I was only half there and felt like I was faking and I wasn't having much fun I also gained a major headache.

But towards the middle it felt nice and I felt welcome....though again towards the end the feelings from the beginning came back. But still I had fun today. Makes me question some things. Though I still don't have much will to live and the friends I hung out with today were a huge factor that drove me to my state...though it wasn't there fault it was all me in my own head and I overestimated what I meant to them.
I felt the same way I did today when I first was friends with them...and that emeded in pain because of expectations.
Relationships are confusing...people want you to care but they don't care back. But then when I got quiet they went to check on me and try to bring me back to the conversation. I'm wondering if I can get my hopes up again...I'm scared ill be disappointed again.

 

[aiki__0]

I remember being in a friend group that constantly did this and it was so exhausting