Red
Warlock
- Apr 10, 2019
- 744
...but they cancelled my hotel room n I can't book another because of covid. Need the room to save people and pets in my house from finding me; they at least get trained for it in hotels n it's obviously not as personal. Unwilling to leave a legacy of horror to my loved ones so cannot ever ctb at home unless it really does get desperate.
It's hard not to feel disappointed as I lie in bed, struggling with the jabbing, broken glass pain in the base of my spine; the razor wire threads that periodically shoot down my legs, the white hot stabbing in my ankle, the heated blanket and ice packs in different places making me feel alternately hot and cold. Can't regulate temperature well for some reason, I wake up several times in the night shivering after sweating so badly it soaks through my clothes and bedsheets. Belly ache, headache, can't hear properly in one ear; feelings like running water or hot/cold pressure running phantom fingers along my skin. Nothing feels real in my head yet in my body everything feels only t real.
It'd be ok if I knew what it was, if I had something to tell people when they ask, are there still no definitive answers?? It'd be ok if doctors were actively searching for the cause instead of seeming trying to prove that there's nothing wrong with me by testing for a few common things they deal with daily, unwilling to push past the first round of tests when they come back clear or mildly out of reference ranges. I've got endometriosis, osteoarthritis and a lesion in my spinal cord but apparently these aren't the causes for my symptoms, so the half-assed search is still on...
It'd be okay if I had some sort of support network, but there is but empty space instead, with no parental guidance and voids of skepticism and resentment where family and friends used to be. It'd be okay if it wasn't like this my whole life, always pushed to the edge, not included and uninvited, scapegoated and gossiped about. People side eye me and doubt whether I'm really ill while I'm here having to use a chair in the shower in my 30s and wishing for death, having been far more able n active than any of those bitch ass haters before my illness.
I am so grateful for what I do have, but it's all so small and fragile and fraught with guilt and obligation. I feel like I'm wasting time, using resources without really being able to give back and it's dragging harder and harder as this "rough spell" drags out without an upswing in sight.
It's too hard. It's a swim upstream with no goddamn limbs. If just one element in all this mess came good, there'd be something to cling to; a diagnosis, a treatment, some relief, some belief...
Sometimes it really just feels like someone's fucking with you, really trying hard to make your life a shitpile, to the point where it feels like someone is really putting effort into making it that way. Out of aaaalllll the possibilities of what could happen in these situations, why is it that I have to get the most tortuous scenario?Surely the easiest solution is just to end it!
My life just seems to be repeating in the same horrible cycles, always knowing there's something wrong and trying to fix it, screaming to be believed only to be ignored, then to find out after the fact I was right all along. It happened with my father's abuse my whole childhood, then with weird friendship dynamics in adolescence/early adulthood, then with coping with and trying to identify narcissism, both grandiose and covert, in family members and partners. Always saw it coming/knew it to be happening, was never believed and mocked and belittled as a result, only for people to come n offer vindication when it's waaaaay to late to help me.
The only real hope is that I'll finally die the way I lived, and soon; that I've been screaming for help as my body fails and has gone unheeded, just for it to be fatal in the end. I'd hoped for a bit of vindication beforehand but even that seems like a distant dream and I'd gladly take sudden death at any point now.
Always disappointed to wake in the morning, hoping that death comes while I'm already out. It's laughable to think that I'd be spared the pain of death when life's been so generous doling it out to me so far but there is still always hope, even this end of the spectrum!
I was going to die today.
I'm jealous of the me in that alternate timeline that's going ahead with it now; towards the end of the SN antiemetic regime, booking in, going to the room and setting out the rest of the medication and mixing the solution. Setting up camp in the bathroom, maybe flipping the TV on in the main room for noise cover. In a few hours, that me will be dead; one more version of me snuffed out and finally relieved of all that pain and frustration.
Tonight is going to be hard; I will be alone too which makes it worse, left to my own devices again. The pain is especially bad today so I think I'll just take a few handfuls of various medications, have a bit of a drink and hope that an inebriated slumber takes over and erases if only a little bit of time, pain, consciousness and gets me through to the day after I was supposed to die.
So cheers, CTB me in a different dimension - I salute you, wish you a peaceful passing and am hugely envious of your escape.
You should have been me and I'm sad that you're not.
Rest in peace.
It's hard not to feel disappointed as I lie in bed, struggling with the jabbing, broken glass pain in the base of my spine; the razor wire threads that periodically shoot down my legs, the white hot stabbing in my ankle, the heated blanket and ice packs in different places making me feel alternately hot and cold. Can't regulate temperature well for some reason, I wake up several times in the night shivering after sweating so badly it soaks through my clothes and bedsheets. Belly ache, headache, can't hear properly in one ear; feelings like running water or hot/cold pressure running phantom fingers along my skin. Nothing feels real in my head yet in my body everything feels only t real.
It'd be ok if I knew what it was, if I had something to tell people when they ask, are there still no definitive answers?? It'd be ok if doctors were actively searching for the cause instead of seeming trying to prove that there's nothing wrong with me by testing for a few common things they deal with daily, unwilling to push past the first round of tests when they come back clear or mildly out of reference ranges. I've got endometriosis, osteoarthritis and a lesion in my spinal cord but apparently these aren't the causes for my symptoms, so the half-assed search is still on...
It'd be okay if I had some sort of support network, but there is but empty space instead, with no parental guidance and voids of skepticism and resentment where family and friends used to be. It'd be okay if it wasn't like this my whole life, always pushed to the edge, not included and uninvited, scapegoated and gossiped about. People side eye me and doubt whether I'm really ill while I'm here having to use a chair in the shower in my 30s and wishing for death, having been far more able n active than any of those bitch ass haters before my illness.
I am so grateful for what I do have, but it's all so small and fragile and fraught with guilt and obligation. I feel like I'm wasting time, using resources without really being able to give back and it's dragging harder and harder as this "rough spell" drags out without an upswing in sight.
It's too hard. It's a swim upstream with no goddamn limbs. If just one element in all this mess came good, there'd be something to cling to; a diagnosis, a treatment, some relief, some belief...
Sometimes it really just feels like someone's fucking with you, really trying hard to make your life a shitpile, to the point where it feels like someone is really putting effort into making it that way. Out of aaaalllll the possibilities of what could happen in these situations, why is it that I have to get the most tortuous scenario?Surely the easiest solution is just to end it!
My life just seems to be repeating in the same horrible cycles, always knowing there's something wrong and trying to fix it, screaming to be believed only to be ignored, then to find out after the fact I was right all along. It happened with my father's abuse my whole childhood, then with weird friendship dynamics in adolescence/early adulthood, then with coping with and trying to identify narcissism, both grandiose and covert, in family members and partners. Always saw it coming/knew it to be happening, was never believed and mocked and belittled as a result, only for people to come n offer vindication when it's waaaaay to late to help me.
The only real hope is that I'll finally die the way I lived, and soon; that I've been screaming for help as my body fails and has gone unheeded, just for it to be fatal in the end. I'd hoped for a bit of vindication beforehand but even that seems like a distant dream and I'd gladly take sudden death at any point now.
Always disappointed to wake in the morning, hoping that death comes while I'm already out. It's laughable to think that I'd be spared the pain of death when life's been so generous doling it out to me so far but there is still always hope, even this end of the spectrum!
I was going to die today.
I'm jealous of the me in that alternate timeline that's going ahead with it now; towards the end of the SN antiemetic regime, booking in, going to the room and setting out the rest of the medication and mixing the solution. Setting up camp in the bathroom, maybe flipping the TV on in the main room for noise cover. In a few hours, that me will be dead; one more version of me snuffed out and finally relieved of all that pain and frustration.
Tonight is going to be hard; I will be alone too which makes it worse, left to my own devices again. The pain is especially bad today so I think I'll just take a few handfuls of various medications, have a bit of a drink and hope that an inebriated slumber takes over and erases if only a little bit of time, pain, consciousness and gets me through to the day after I was supposed to die.
So cheers, CTB me in a different dimension - I salute you, wish you a peaceful passing and am hugely envious of your escape.
You should have been me and I'm sad that you're not.
Rest in peace.
