Story Today is most likely the day

[ares0027]

so i am 35 going on 36. Always had lived through what my family wanted until 2011 and after 2020. In 2011 i changed everything and started a new university in Ankara Turkey. in 2012 May 5th i became a part of a couple, it was the only serious relationship i had ever have. in 8 years she had tried to cheat on me thrice that i caught on bu i loved her and we made peace every time. she even admitted using me for my money once (i am not that rich but she was 7 years old younger and i was working, she wasnt)

today was her birthday, i sent her a message, and noticed that her last name in google contacts is changed. couldn't find exact details but i am quite confident that after marrying with someone she moved out of the country, so my hopes of getting together is forever gone for sure and i am quite confident she left me because she had already found someone "better" whom i assume is the person she had married..

i don't think i am weird or anything but in my life, my family were never the ones that i talked to, or understood me or even tried to understand me. she was, in my whole life, the only one i could truly and honestly be open. and since i met her right after changing city, career, university etc, every single memory i have in this city is with her and it is excruciating without her. it is not just the same.

this should not be a failed attempt. i just cannot take it so i am thinking of night-night. i have an endless ratchet that i customized for myself (length etc), i live alone with 3 cats but my mother is visiting the city so she will be here probably in a few days or weeks (visiting her sister right now). i am thinking of getting cat food and water out for a week or so, set a scheduled email to a friend, maybe a few so they are here before the food is out. lock my door from inside with a note for my mother not to open and instead call for someone so she is not the one who finds me. record a few videos and place them on the desktop of my pc so they are found. all my money and stocks are mobile accessible so i will give the grand password to my password app to my older brother so he can pay off my bank loans etc. to this day, to this hour i had hope that everything would be alright one day.

i guess for some people they wont. i always thought i would be gone before 33 so i am 2-3 years late i guess. i dont even know why i am posting right now, is it one last attempt for someone to do something? is it to legitimize my plan? is it for a show? i dont know... all i wanted throughout my life was someone to share it with, someone to understand me and someone who let me love them.

well it is early morning in turkey right now and i got a lot of tidying and videos to record and hopefully, unless i chicken out again for the sake of hope, i will be gone

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Wishing you peace if you go through with it.

 

[strawb12]

I'm glad you got to share that with me regardless of your reason. Whether you do go through with it or not I'll try to remember you & you can always come back here for support if you want to try again or decide to try to give life another shot. I, & hopefully most of the people here, will support you in your decision regardless & I wish you the best in your journey.

 

[MrDarkness]

I hope your able to find peace, love is truly a awful thing isn't? It's a massive gamble

 

[Torabol]

Sorry to hear you've been dealt such a shit hand. I've been abandoned too.

 

[Aya&Dazy]

You are a nice guy. I don't think I can forgive someone who cheated on me but who am I to say... I've never been in a relationship or love someone that much. In my early20s, I dump a guy who used me for sex. I took his money and dump him and never want to love anymore because it hurts. I don't know anything about night night method so I won't comment on that. I like reading people's story here.(if not too long. lol) Thank you for sharing!

 

[locked*n*loaded]

all i wanted throughout my life was someone to share it with, someone to understand me and someone who let me love them.

You know, you could find someone else to love, and to love you, if you were so inclined. I just wanted to put that out there first. I'm not trying to tell you what to do. You need to do what is right for you. I don't know why I'm telling you this. I never really put any effort into finding anyone after my ex and I broke up, not because I loved her anymore, but because I didn't trust anyone anymore. Trust is a hard thing to get back once it's abused.

Regardless, whatever you decide to do, I hope that things work out the way you need and want, and you get to the peace you deserve. Good luck.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I used to think that romantic love was a good thing.
It can be wonderful, yet turns into agony of the soul for most of us.

 

[suicidalloser]

I wish you good luck and freedom from all pain; no matter the size.

 

[sayire]

i guess for some people they wont. i always thought i would be gone before 33 so i am 2-3 years late i guess. i dont even know why i am posting right now, is it one last attempt for someone to do something? is it to legitimize my plan? is it for a show? i dont know... all i wanted throughout my life was someone to share it with, someone to understand me and someone who let me love them.

I can relate to this. The closer it gets the harder it becomes. it is the most important decision of life. And one that needs to be made all by self unlike any other important decisions. Just knowing that another set of eyes can read what you are going through is satisfaction enough.

You do seem to have thought about this for a while now and have a reliable method.

like @locked*n*loaded said, I feel you can likely still find someone if that is what you really want.

I hope you find the peace you are looking for and all the best to you with whatever path you take.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existence really is so cruel and painful, I wish you the best with your plans.