edu0z
carried away by a moonlight shadow
- Aug 25, 2021
- 552
I have never been able to live for the sake of living... for as long as I can remember I have always needed a goal to live towards. However for 4 months now I have simply been adrift.
Yes, the desire to commit suicide has always been there... I have always lived with that shadow, and until now I am still alive. Many times I feel that I can no longer, that the situation is stronger than me. But so far I have been able to get ahead, by myself, without having to depend on anyone.
Meeting "Dormidita", resuming the activities of my company with more strength than ever. Finish the development of "The zalgo Curse" together with Pedro. Meet "La Hister", meet "La Piraña", meet "La Borracha", meet "la Toxica" (I put the nickname because I don't remember their names... they were the girls who impacted me the most than I met at the beginning of the year and they are all amazing people I won't forget.)... Disappear from social networks to regain inspiration, develop "Asteroid Gold" (together with Zalgo, are the two games of which I am most proud to have created)... Koe no katachi, I never thought that an anime that was not one piece could connect so much with me... When I thought I couldn't do it anymore, the Eye of the Tiger appeared to save me: finish "Asterodi Gold". Discover a passion, trading.
That was the first half of the year. It was fun, exciting, full of adventures... the isolation was fun, like a trip. Then Ana walked away again, this time forever My life in June was like a glass overflowing with water, any small movement could make the water spill... I kept the balance as well as I could by myself, however when Ana left, disaster broke out... The isolation was no longer fun, now it was agonizing and dark, as if I was short of breath... I wasn't able to be alone.
Escape from my home, two suicide attempts, admitted to a psychiatric hospital. A treatment for depression that did nothing but caused an extrapyramidal reaction and give me the scare of my life (damn pills)... be diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder(hi Lorena, hi Kevin. My name is Eduardo... do not worry about anything, I will solve all your problems and soon we will be one being)
2021 has certainly been an interesting year. The most productive I've ever had and yet I feel like I've taken several steps backwards. I've never tried suicide before, no matter how bad the situation was, and this year I've tried twice in a month. I must fix this now or who knows where I can stop or what choice "Desperate" I can take.
I will make the decision today. If I must die, I will do so before the end of the year. If I must live, I will begin with the course of my new life immediately. Whatever the decision: this time of uncertainty without knowing why I wake up in the morning, will end today.
From the beginning when I was 11 years old. The basic idea of suicide for me has always been "Freedom"... Being able to choose or even escape when I was a small child and felt helpless in a terrifying world of big people... Right now, I don't feel free. Living for living, for no reason, just for not wanting to hurt the people I love... THAT'S NO WAY TO LIVE.
If I am going to live it must be for a reason that I myself choose, something solid... not for an external thing. And if I'm going to die I have no time to waste... whatever the option, I will respect it.
I must stop behaving like a small child. After so long, I'm not going to end my 20s in this unfortunate and disgusting way... If I decide that this is my end, I will put everything in order and leave this world with a smile in a peaceful and honorable way... if I decide that my life must go on, I will give it my all. I don't care if I don't feel like living right now, if I can find a reason to live: I'll give everything for it.
I sincerely want to die, but it is a desire that I have in my mind for as long as I can remember... it is a rather emotional decision... no one can get rid of their emotions, but we must not let them control our lives.
I wanted to thank the SS guys for allowing me in. This is an incredible community full of loving people and that has helped many of us and continues helping us. I have met here people who have helped me a lot... I hope from the bottom of my heart that, despite the controversies, the forum can go ahead and in a few years if I am still alive I will return and see how it has changed.
Yes, the desire to commit suicide has always been there... I have always lived with that shadow, and until now I am still alive. Many times I feel that I can no longer, that the situation is stronger than me. But so far I have been able to get ahead, by myself, without having to depend on anyone.
Meeting "Dormidita", resuming the activities of my company with more strength than ever. Finish the development of "The zalgo Curse" together with Pedro. Meet "La Hister", meet "La Piraña", meet "La Borracha", meet "la Toxica" (I put the nickname because I don't remember their names... they were the girls who impacted me the most than I met at the beginning of the year and they are all amazing people I won't forget.)... Disappear from social networks to regain inspiration, develop "Asteroid Gold" (together with Zalgo, are the two games of which I am most proud to have created)... Koe no katachi, I never thought that an anime that was not one piece could connect so much with me... When I thought I couldn't do it anymore, the Eye of the Tiger appeared to save me: finish "Asterodi Gold". Discover a passion, trading.
That was the first half of the year. It was fun, exciting, full of adventures... the isolation was fun, like a trip. Then Ana walked away again, this time forever My life in June was like a glass overflowing with water, any small movement could make the water spill... I kept the balance as well as I could by myself, however when Ana left, disaster broke out... The isolation was no longer fun, now it was agonizing and dark, as if I was short of breath... I wasn't able to be alone.
Escape from my home, two suicide attempts, admitted to a psychiatric hospital. A treatment for depression that did nothing but caused an extrapyramidal reaction and give me the scare of my life (damn pills)... be diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder(hi Lorena, hi Kevin. My name is Eduardo... do not worry about anything, I will solve all your problems and soon we will be one being)
2021 has certainly been an interesting year. The most productive I've ever had and yet I feel like I've taken several steps backwards. I've never tried suicide before, no matter how bad the situation was, and this year I've tried twice in a month. I must fix this now or who knows where I can stop or what choice "Desperate" I can take.
I will make the decision today. If I must die, I will do so before the end of the year. If I must live, I will begin with the course of my new life immediately. Whatever the decision: this time of uncertainty without knowing why I wake up in the morning, will end today.
From the beginning when I was 11 years old. The basic idea of suicide for me has always been "Freedom"... Being able to choose or even escape when I was a small child and felt helpless in a terrifying world of big people... Right now, I don't feel free. Living for living, for no reason, just for not wanting to hurt the people I love... THAT'S NO WAY TO LIVE.
If I am going to live it must be for a reason that I myself choose, something solid... not for an external thing. And if I'm going to die I have no time to waste... whatever the option, I will respect it.
I must stop behaving like a small child. After so long, I'm not going to end my 20s in this unfortunate and disgusting way... If I decide that this is my end, I will put everything in order and leave this world with a smile in a peaceful and honorable way... if I decide that my life must go on, I will give it my all. I don't care if I don't feel like living right now, if I can find a reason to live: I'll give everything for it.
I sincerely want to die, but it is a desire that I have in my mind for as long as I can remember... it is a rather emotional decision... no one can get rid of their emotions, but we must not let them control our lives.
I wanted to thank the SS guys for allowing me in. This is an incredible community full of loving people and that has helped many of us and continues helping us. I have met here people who have helped me a lot... I hope from the bottom of my heart that, despite the controversies, the forum can go ahead and in a few years if I am still alive I will return and see how it has changed.
