I've been having trouble overcoming SI. Weeks ago, when I was more desperate, I attempted a an (almost) full hang. When the knot blew I returned to the noose without hesitation (only to regain consciousness somehow and rescue myself). Here my SI was non existent. The dream.
Weeks later I now have a more guaranteed setup with nitrogen however by virtue of the fact that I sit and type this, I haven't been able to do it. Daily I spend time with the hood over my head trying to work up the courage. Daily I flood my lunges with nitrogen only to panic and escape the hood. And finally daily I pull the sheet back over the nitrogen tank and go on to live another day.
Today I had my closest attempt yet and think I've finally gone to grips with how I'll overcome my SI.
Firstly, I've spent the last 6 hours under the influence of sleeping pills, benzos, alcohol and weed. As one wore off I tried the next. The weed is the most effective by far and makes me feel the most detached.
Secondly I read one of the best, non method posts I've found on this site about the philosophy of death. If you haven't given it a read I think it's an interesting and insightful way of coming to grips with an early mortality. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/ways-of-making-peace-with-dying.5212/
Finally and most importantly, I've discovered the comfort I need to leave this world. I have spent many sessions with my therapist revisiting traumatic events of my past. Envisioning myself as an adult offering myself as a child the reassurance and comfort that I so needed. That it was ok that I felt scared and alone but with my older self we could face it together. While I never could have imagined that ever impacting me, each time I do it it brings me to tears. It's very powerful. Now it's time for my younger self to offer current me some reassurance and comfort. Death is scary and that's ok. Together, the adult and child in me can face death together, as the broken individuals we both are.
Today was the closest yet. I can't even remember consciously making the decision to take the bag off, I was so disoriented. While slightly disappointed today was a day of learning. With slightly more restrictive constraints and the knowledge above I feel I may soon be able to rest.
Weeks later I now have a more guaranteed setup with nitrogen however by virtue of the fact that I sit and type this, I haven't been able to do it. Daily I spend time with the hood over my head trying to work up the courage. Daily I flood my lunges with nitrogen only to panic and escape the hood. And finally daily I pull the sheet back over the nitrogen tank and go on to live another day.
Today I had my closest attempt yet and think I've finally gone to grips with how I'll overcome my SI.
Firstly, I've spent the last 6 hours under the influence of sleeping pills, benzos, alcohol and weed. As one wore off I tried the next. The weed is the most effective by far and makes me feel the most detached.
Secondly I read one of the best, non method posts I've found on this site about the philosophy of death. If you haven't given it a read I think it's an interesting and insightful way of coming to grips with an early mortality. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/ways-of-making-peace-with-dying.5212/
Finally and most importantly, I've discovered the comfort I need to leave this world. I have spent many sessions with my therapist revisiting traumatic events of my past. Envisioning myself as an adult offering myself as a child the reassurance and comfort that I so needed. That it was ok that I felt scared and alone but with my older self we could face it together. While I never could have imagined that ever impacting me, each time I do it it brings me to tears. It's very powerful. Now it's time for my younger self to offer current me some reassurance and comfort. Death is scary and that's ok. Together, the adult and child in me can face death together, as the broken individuals we both are.
Today was the closest yet. I can't even remember consciously making the decision to take the bag off, I was so disoriented. While slightly disappointed today was a day of learning. With slightly more restrictive constraints and the knowledge above I feel I may soon be able to rest.
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