Discussion To write a note, or to go without.

[FatalSystemError591]

I've been going back and forth about writing notes for the last few people that needed to know I passed. Mostly the people whose memories are a driving force of why I'm doing it, to hopefully get the point across that their actions were cruel and need to change. (mental, emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse.) But if they didn't care what I felt when I was alive, why would they care when I'm dead?

But then the other part of me calls that side petty, manipulative, and thinks they won't care anyway, and that a note feels so... final I guess? That I would rather pass in peace and if I fail, no one would know.

There's also the option of writing one huge note and writing it addressed to everyone and letting everyone see each individual part where others fucked up.

I'm leaning towards the side of not writing a note, but I waiver sometimes when I'm feeling more upset.

Part of me also wants to write a note to just my girlfriend, thanking her for the time she spent with me and with her being the only one who truly showed me any kind of love in this world and telling her not to blame herself, because she will, despite her not doing anything wrong.

Maybe writing a note and just ripping it up before I go could be a cathartic release, to say I did but no one will read it.

There's also the option of me using a note as a will of what to do with my body and my belongings too.

Are you going to write a note? Or are you not going to? I can't seem to make up my mind. So many different versions of scenarios playing in my head for the final day.

 

[Okami]

I feel the confliction; it's a natural thing.

I've also been kind of arguing with myself on it. I already have my note written out in advance, and I just add things to it from time to time that I think are important enough. I'm not fully satisfied with it, but I don't think I'll ever be.

I'll be sending it to everyone since it's a pretty general note that isn't dedicated to one person in particular. Kind of on the fence about posting it here when the time comes, or writing a goodbye thread in general, really.

 

[I’vehadenough]

Make it look like you were murdered instead and keep everyone wondering lol mystery

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

There's also the option of writing one huge note and writing it addressed to everyone and letting everyone see each individual part where others fucked up.

I really like this. People have a tendency to reject things directed at them, but if they can see it in others, then maybe it will eventually get through to them that they had shit, too. And just calling it out to others is good, making them aware of what they may not have been aware of.

I'm not writing anything to my parents, not even to tell them it doesn't have anything to do with them (it genuinely doesn't) or to tell them my wishes that would also be to their benefit. They have filters that process anything I say. They already will blame me and not themselves, they will do with my body whatever tf they want, and if I say I want something, they'll find a reason to justify to themselves doing something different, so I'm not going to drive myself crazy trying to get through to them when almost nothing ever gets through. And they shunned me years ago, they consciously gave up any right to reassurance or comforting, and in fact they remain abusive even in my absence. It's taken me months to work through this, and I keep having to remind myself of these things, of just how closed off and irrational they are, what an enormous effort it is to try to communicate clearly with little to no return, and that it hasn't changed in 49 years.

Part of me also wants to write a note to just my girlfriend, thanking her for the time she spent with me and with her being the only one who truly showed me any kind of love in this world and telling her not to blame herself, because she will, despite her not doing anything wrong.

I hope it's okay to say, I think this would be a really good idea. I had a boyfriend suicide in high school and it made no sense to me that he didn't leave me a note, we wrote to each other constantly. Not trying to guilt trip you, just sharing that it made things much harder for me that he didn't. It would have brought me a lot of comfort and acceptance if he had. It's been over 30 years and I've processed a lot in recent years, and I read your note as if he'd written it to me because I think that's very close to what he would have said, so thank you for sharing it because it brought me some healing.

 

[signifying nothing]

Yeah, maybe consider how you would feel if someone you know went and did or didn't leave a note.

 

[Gaybonez]

I've been going back and forth about writing notes for the last few people that needed to know I passed. Mostly the people whose memories are a driving force of why I'm doing it, to hopefully get the point across that their actions were cruel and need to change. (mental, emotional, verbal, physical, and sexual abuse.) But if they didn't care what I felt when I was alive, why would they care when I'm dead?

But then the other part of me calls that side petty, manipulative, and thinks they won't care anyway, and that a note feels so... final I guess? That I would rather pass in peace and if I fail, no one would know.

There's also the option of writing one huge note and writing it addressed to everyone and letting everyone see each individual part where others fucked up.

I'm leaning towards the side of not writing a note, but I waiver sometimes when I'm feeling more upset.

Part of me also wants to write a note to just my girlfriend, thanking her for the time she spent with me and with her being the only one who truly showed me any kind of love in this world and telling her not to blame herself, because she will, despite her not doing anything wrong.

Maybe writing a note and just ripping it up before I go could be a cathartic release, to say I did but no one will read it.

There's also the option of me using a note as a will of what to do with my body and my belongings too.

Are you going to write a note? Or are you not going to? I can't seem to make up my mind. So many different versions of scenarios playing in my head for the final day.

It’s up to you. I’ve grown emotionally distant to people in a way. I have just expected too much from other people and I expect to either be hated or not cared about on some level. I would not leave anything

 

[Neowise]

I would leave notes behind just to let people know that I'm gone, and I have thought about how to do it well:

I'd send personal notes to all of my friends, partially via an online message and partially written on paper. The friends who could potentially stop me in time would be the ones to receive a written letter which I would carry with me in a backpack and it would be my wish for those to be handed to my friends after my death.
For the letters I'd send virtually I would write them all in a text document beforehand so that they are ready and when I am about to cbt I would copy+paste them to quickly send them to my friends and the discord community I'm active in. That way there is only a small time window for people to react, reach out to me or whatever.
I wouldn't want to ctb in my house anyways so like this the risk of people intervening would be the smallest.
My family members would get written notes, too. Not sure if I wanna blame my mother in her's so that she feels the pain I have been feeling my entire life. Seems like a good revenge but I am really not an evil and unforgiving person.
Various WhatsApp groups I'm in would get a short message as I usually don't know the people there very well but good enough to care to leave a message.

 

[Amumu]

I wouldn't write a note no. That would be more rebel.

 

[hope2di]

I am struggling with the same decision. My family abused me and then didn't talk to me for 15 years, so I wouldnt worry, they might not even realize I was dead. If they do, they will most likely enjoy the extra attention.

I have a few good friends... But then, if I choose to kill myself, what's the point to explain? It will not take the pain away... and it feels like asking for attention... Wouldn't it hurt more for them to know that I have been cutting myself when the pain inside was too much to bear? Do they really need to know all that I was going through?
If they forgive, I am grateful, if they don't... well I would not know, if I am dead... Wouldnt it be better is they are angry anyway?
Such a difficult choice, especially when I am so close - pull up bar and rope are ready, did an equipment test today and I almost hung myself... it just felt so easy compared to the pain inside. Just one step away from the chair and all the pain would be gone.