Discussion To those who plan to ctb: how do you cope with the fact that you can not speak to anyone about it?

[TAW122]

This is indeed a very emotionally and psychologically difficult situation to be in.

To answer the question (based on my similar feeling at least back in 2019), I kept to myself, I was active on SaSu (this was early 2019 and had been on SaSu for about half a year at that time). I've thoroughly planned out my CTB, wrote some notes (keep in mind this was before I changed my stance/mind on leaving notes - back then I have just thought about closure and didn't consider the additional burden, complications, and effort in leaving a note or hinting anything to CTB, and I've written threads (linked here and here too) explaining why I'm not leaving a note anymore.), had my method on standby and ready, and pretty much had a target general date (not to the exact date but at least very close), and just took things as they come. In short, I had mentally and physically prepared everything just about to a "T" when it comes to death and was ready to just act it when the time came (I was mentally prepared since February/March 2019 and ready for the fact that if things went sour and pushed me to the edge, I'd CTB without hesitation). I felt some nervousness, but also a sense of 'calm' knowing that if the worst scenario and things don't work out, I would be dead within a few months from that time (May 2019).

Of course, if I were to CTB in the future, it would be similar to how I was in 2019, minus the fact that I'm just not leaving a note for reasons explained earlier and in other threads.

 

[DeathSleep]

SaSu helps me cope. Here I can openly express that I want to die and how I intend to do it. It's nice that I have at least one outlet.

 

[pandsniper100]

Honestly for me it has never bothered me all that much the less people that know me the less I hurt em plus it's my decision at the end of the day todays been weird all I wanna do is cut imagine being so selfish to not live on naw imagine being forced into feeling like u have to live every day of this hell that's what it is hell

 

[Freyja13]

Therapy helps. I can tell my therapist pretty much anything short of "ima kill myself right now or immediately after our session". I seem to be lucky though in the fact that I've had positive experiences with my current therapist and in the psych ward proper (definitely not the ER mental health unit though). It's hard not being able to talk to anyone in my life about these feelings though. I made the mistake of trusting someone last year with my thoughts and my employer found out and put on this big display of how much they care and how we need to make a safety plan. I know it's only for insurance and legal reasons. It was difficult being dragged through all that fake empathy. I got to find out just how fucking ignorant they are about gender diversity though so I guess that's good. It's better to know right? Anyway these days if I'm going to tell someone it's someone I fucking trust the shit out of not to panic and report me to anyone. It's so much nicer just to be able to talk to someone who accepts how you feel and isn't instantly terrified of you and treats you like a scary monster that's off her fucking rocker. Even with these people though I try to keep most of my suicidal feelings to myself. I'm still scared of chasing them away. But still, having someone who knows is a big relief. It helps alleviate the loneliness and isolation that can so often accompany these thoughts.

 

[misophoned]

I have already told my mother that I'm going to CTB in the near future and my reasons for doing so. All she said is but "I need you" Almost if she understands of how little I have left to live for. I have written a suicide note addressing my reasons and individuals and what I want them to know. It's very poetic in a sense, I have written my struggle, my justification, my words to individuals, my life experience, the virtues I've learnt both for improvement, insights into the state of the world, mainly the inate malignance of the world and my denouncing of God through it. (My mother is a Christian) My situation is different to most though as my mother has seen me try and fail again and again, as well as understanding my deep passion for something I can't have, my hatred of my image, my boredom and dissatisfaction with life. She will understand on a deep existential level. My life was/I shit, I try extremly hard, I fail, I get tired of life and see no reason to continue to suffer with no satisfaction in sight. Logical enough to me. I probably sound dramatic but it's more of a reflection of the burning passion I had for life and now the climatic end I can bring to myself. It's philosophical and reminds me of great many men of history, I will leave behind a legacy of some sorts through my philosophical writing and the tough life I've lived and documented.

I wish I could explain why this is better to them and have a big goodbye party. They'll have a party called a funeral anyway, but this way we could actually talk about the good times and celebrate what happened together. No words would be left unsaid. Everyone says they wished they'd gotten one more day or week with someone they lost, but if given the chance, they would abuse that opportunity and try to stop the inevitable. I told one of my online friends who lives in a different country and has no way to contact the authorities about my plans. Instead of cherishing the time left he can talk to me, he completely pulled away and gets offended every time I try to talk to him. I know it's in any species nature to try to guarantee the highest survival rate possible for the species, but shouldn't we be able to change that about ourselves through our awareness? It just reminds me of how humans are only animals too. I cannot talk to these animals even though I'm supposed to be one of them.I just thought we were better than that, but who am I kidding. When have people failed to disappoint? It's lonely to think like this alone.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

It's certainly not amazing. Next week is graduation and my friend group is pretty excited about it (and even planning to have a beach day and all) meanwhile I'm over here depressed since I won't be able to walk at graduation and will have to force a smile and pretend I haven't ruined my life forever. I'd rather not ruin the vibe until everything dies down and then I will try to do the deed as quietly as possible.

 

[Lydia12]

yeah it sucks, feels like a gag with toxic positivity you can't speak open about it -.-

 

[HAL 9000]

Recently I am attempting to spend more time with my loved one's, helping out a little more at the house and I've been buying people more food than usual. Luckily I'm good at double speak so I can bring up Death in general without it raising alarms. I'm a bit torn because I feel as though my efforts are going to potentially lead to even more suffering. Though there's no way to avoid that now, is there?

 

[strawb12]

I can open up to anyone here, I can open up to my pro choice friends. I can't talk about it with my therapist & I definitely can't have my family know but with just the people on here & my pro choice friends I have enough people to talk to about it. I really don't feel totally isolated, theres plenty of people I can talk to about it on here if I reach out to them.

 

[misophoned]

I can open up to anyone here, I can open up to my pro choice friends. I can't talk about it with my therapist & I definitely can't have my family know but with just the people on here & my pro choice friends I have enough people to talk to about it. I really don't feel totally isolated, theres plenty of people I can talk to about it on here if I reach out to them.

May I pm you? I want to open up as well.

 

[strawb12]

May I pm you? I want to open up as well.

My PMs are always open. Well for as long as I'm alive at least.

 

[LonelyKitten]

Leading up to it I have been seriously struggling to breathe, physically.
This lines up with how I feel about ctb - I can't talk about it, and it all feels suffocating.

This forum has helped, offering a space I can share my thoughts surrounding end of life freely.
Doing that has been a very introspective and informative experience.
I feel like I understand my life so, so much better now.
It comes late, which is frustrating - this has done more for me than any therapy ever managed to.
But it is far better than being 100 % alone with it.
The internet is truly marvelous, as it always has been throughout my life...

Thank you.

 

[mrelief82]

Well actually I told them multiple times, but considering that Ive always said that on multiple occasions they think im joking. But I think I couldnt tell them directly about my suicidal thoughts because they would think less of me

Me same , i said it many times , noone seemed to take it seriously. I have a friend that i was hepling but cant anymore, I tell him my plans or tries and he seems like taking it as I told him what I ate for breakfast.