Venting To fight or to kill myself now?

[Hel]

I've been suicidal for two years. When I'm at my worst I wish I've killed myself the first time I thought about it and then I haven't lived what brought me to my actual desperation.
I've been depressed and with anxiety for almost two years (but I had signs before, not always, but the seeds were there).
My reason to die is that I'm in love with someone. He likes me back but distance and his own situation (depressed too) make it hard to start anything. I waited. I keep waiting and maybe in a few weeks or months (less distance) I could have my chance. BUT I'm always afraid he could meet someone else who is in the right place at the right time and no matter how much I supported and cared him. I would become invisible. And now I feel that that just happened. I'm always afraid and it has always been just my imagination but what if this time it isn't? Or what if tomorrow...? I suffer A LOT. This is beign my worst year (and the previous two have been AWFUL) and this is being the worst week and I don't even know what I'm not going out to jump off a bridge right now (not my wanted method and, as I said many times, I don't want my death to be painful and look like a suicide).
Additional reasons: My family loves me but they are EXTREMELY judgamental. The support me financially and I know that this is great but the way they do it is... well, always showing that I own them something (I'm very cold and not very communicative, my whole life I¡ve been like that, but they never forgive me for that). They even pay therapy for me but they make me feel guilty for not getting better. One of my relatives even insinuated that I was not going to therapy and I was taking the money for myself (ha, I wish I could go MORE to therapy, not once per month). Right now I'm not at home for a while (I'm coming back for Christmas and will stay there...forever, it seems, I'm in a kind of holidays right now and with less contact with them than ever, which is going to be thrown at me even if they don't call either, it has to be me always and to get colg responses). When I come back everything is going to get worse.
Also, I am neglecting my sudies and missing deadlines because I don't even care. I don't want to be alive so I don't do it because unless a miracle happens, I want to be death before finishing. These studies were my dream but since I'm suicidal I'm not enjoying it. Nothing motivates me. Only... Love.
Yeah,, I'm stupid. But if my love thing were better, I could fight for the rest of the things, improving my relationship with my family, do my work... But I can't.

I don't know what to do. This (beng away from home) could be my best chance to CTB (but I'm struggling to find the perfect method). I don't know if I should fight for the person I love and see if when I come back things can get better (but my extreme fear of him meetng or having met another girl these days is killing me).
When I'm like this, I always say that if I could push a button and die inmediately, I would. But at the same time... I've been crying (and I keep doing it) all the time while writin this post. I cry desperatedly when I think about suicide, I don't know if it is fear of doing it wrong and get on ward forever, fear to regret it at the last moment, fear of acting desperate and...
I don't even know what is happening to me.
I answerd to some posts which asked if there is something or somebody which could make you not CTB and YES. If I could get my "miracle" I wouldn't want to die. I'd keep having problems but I could fight for it. With love, I could resist. Without it, othing else matters. I don't know if my fears are right and I ost him forever,, I don't now if it worths the fight because I could have any chance, I don't know if I go and kill myself tonight and I don't know why I'm crying.

Thank you for reading and sorry for the typos (and the long and boring post).

 

[Neverod]

The support me financially and I know that this is great but the way they do it is... well, always showing that I own them something (I'm very cold and not very communicative, my whole life I¡ve been like that, but they never forgive me for that)

That i can relate to. You need to understand you are just the way you are, nothing wrong with it, you are not mean to them, you don't give them problems, but they wish to make you what they want you to be, their toy, but there's no such thing as "getting better", because there's nothing wrong with being that way, it's a part of existance, and if they cannot accept that, they failed as a model figure.
Excuse me if i was mean to the ones close to you and/or you didn't like the way i spoke about them, it's just like a reflection from my situation, at least that part, so i thought i could give you some advice.

 

[LMLN]

Please dont do anything on impulse when you are feeling this way. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad.
I understand your pain in losing love. It's terrible pain I know. That's what has brought me here as well. I have been focusing on making it through each day alive. No promises for tomorrow. Right now that's all I can do. :(
It sounds like you are a student as you speak of your studies. Can you somehow get leave from school until you are feeling better? I cannot imagine how you can focus when you are feeling like this.

 

[Hel]

That i can relate to. You need to understand you are just the way you are, nothing wrong with it, you are not mean to them, you don't give them problems, but they wish to make you what they want you to be, their toy, but there's no such thing as "getting better", because there's nothing wrong with being that way, it's a part of existance, and if they cannot accept that, they failed as a model figure.
Excuse me if i was mean to the ones close to you and/or you didn't like the way i spoke about them, it's just like a reflection from my situation, at least that part, so i thought i could give you some advice.

No, you weren't mean at all. I even told my therapist that it seems that they didn't want me to heal but to change my personality and she told me that I don't have to change anything of that. And I am not talking of my whole family, of course, there are others who really accept me and respect me. And precisely wuth that people I make an effort mo be "warmer", because they deserve it for understanding me.
Sorry for having a similar situation, at least here we feel understood. But it sucks that, above everything we have on us, we have to fight with people who, even if they support us practically, don't accept our way of being.

Please dont do anything on impulse when you are feeling this way. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad.
I understand your pain in losing love. It's terrible pain I know. That's what has brought me here as well. I have been focusing on making it through each day alive. No promises for tomorrow. Right now that's all I can do. :(
It sounds like you are a student as you speak of your studies. Can you somehow get leave from school until you are feeling better? I cannot imagine how you can focus when you are feeling like this.

Thank you. The thing is that my studies were my dream, the only thing that could take me to my professional path. But my family doesn't understand and when I'm back I'll have to work in anything and combine both thing, which in my case is impossible: If I can't even focus on studying something I love, I can't do a regular job not related to my career. As a matter of fact, when I fell into depression, I had a cool job I liked it but I stopped enjoying and working well. I manange to finish my contract (it was impossible to stay because the company can't afford more employers and me and another coworker were there only for a year) without the bosses noticing, but without a colleague who "cover" me, I would have got fired. I spent the days crying, my work was good but I did it on the last minute...
So now I'll have to do something unrelated to my field AND keep on to finish my studies. I don't want anything, I can't focus because I lost my motivation and this is pushing me to want to kill myself asap. But I understand what you say and even being like that, my brain knows that doing it on an impulse would be a terrible mistake. Is just that I'm so trapped and desperate...

 

[LMLN]

Yes. Trapped and desperate says it. I have been very lucky to have understanding bosses where I work so far. I'm not very productive with state I'm in. When you feel so depressed and such despair it's really hard to care about anything else. I feel like I'm living in hell and everyone else is living their normal life. They dont understand.

 

[Hel]

Yes. Trapped and desperate says it. I have been very lucky to have understanding bosses where I work so far. I'm not very productive with state I'm in. When you feel so depressed and such despair it's really hard to care about anything else. I feel like I'm living in hell and everyone else is living their normal life. They dont understand.

Same. And people tell me that I'm not the same as before. And I've spent the last two years answering to that with: "That person died, the person you knew doesn't exist anymore, that part of me is dead forever". But they don't understand and everytime I was "no-so-bad"they thought I've recovered. If only they knew...

 

[LMLN]

Same. And people tell me that I'm not the same as before. And I've spent the last two years answering to that with: "That person died, the person you knew doesn't exist anymore, that part of me is dead forever". But they don't understand and everytime I was "no-so-bad"they thought I've recovered. If only they knew...

I'm sorry. People just dont understand how bad it can get. They have no idea. I'll never be the same person again either.

 

[azucaramargo]

I'd keep having problems but I could fight for it. With love, I could resist.

So often I have said this!!!

 

[Whitewash11235814]

my advice is for you to skip the farewell bus and hop on another bus that takes you somewhere away from your family and closer to your love. Worth a shot.

 

[Hel]

my advice is for you to skip the farewell bus and hop on another bus that takes you somewhere away from your family and closer to your love. Worth a shot.

Thank you. I wish it was possible.If I could know if I have a chance I'd fight and resist. But right now I thibk I lost everything forever. I don't know if it is my emotional brain (pessimistic as hell) and the anxiety because I always think the worst but what if this time my worst fears are true?
If I could only have a sign.

Thank you a lot for your words.

So often I have said this!!!

I wish we could get it. I'm sure you deserve it.

 

[Hel]

Since I couldn't kill myself yet, I kept fighting. And... I was about to get it. I could almost "touch it": The first step to one of my dreams was a possibility, closer than ever. And then, in a matter of hours, everything vanished. At least, I feel like it. This is the final push. What kind if nightmare I'm living in? I could almost... And then everything disappeared again. I just wanna die, I need to kill myself now.
And I can't. I couldn't before but now is worse: Bad things are happening in my family and I would destroy them even more. But I can't stand Christmas: I liked them, but since like ten years, they are worse and worse each year. Last year were good. These time were about to be the best ever but in less than a day I lost everything I've been fighting for for so long and was about to come true. It could just be my anxiety and my f^cked up brain fearing the worse and being wrong thinking that I lost it but no, I can't have hopes, it's me, so it is what it is: More torture putting me closest than ever to my goal and then taking it from me. Of course it is.

I wanna be dead, I don't know why I'm not preparing to go out tonight and jumping. I hate that method and it scares me as hell but I'm desperate, I don't wanna keep living. This last thing, that fûcking mirage that seemed to be a sign that my fight was finally getting to the point has been the final push. I'm desperate.

 

[Hel]

I'm sick now and no meds are working. Is nothing serious but I hope to get worse and ending up with pneumonia (in y family, is common to die for that).
Things are worse than ever amd they are going to keep getting worse. I did something good, I fought with all my soul and I got the opposite result: A total hate, rejection (not directly but I feel like that) and silence from the person I did that. Also, I'm back home and my family is extremely mad at me becauseI'm not a "functional adult" they say (also my depression keeps getting worse and when they realize it will be worse because I've been like this for three years and they blame me because I did not moved on even if they paid therapy for me). I just want to disappear but I ran out of money. Also, there are another people from my family and friends I don't wanna hurt. And about my destroyed heart, whatif I commit suicide only because a person is on a weird phase (also with depression and anxiety)? How could I know if I would got a chance (I was closer than ever)? Because today the feeling is that I'm not good enough. I'd kill myself right now if I could. "Not good enough" is my reason to die (nobody told me but life has been demonstrating it to me for years and all my problems come from that). I'll never have anything that I need and want.
Maybe since I'm sick, the hyperventilation - drowning method would work better but I am too afraid of drowning. And I insist on hding the fact that it was suicide. I don't know what to do. Do I have any chance to be happy or keep living is pointless because it only gets worse? I use to think that I should have killed myself the fist time I thought about it (two years ago) and nothing of this would have happened. But I have missed a few good things too. But now I'm desperate. My xmas are always sad, and bad things always happen (as a matter of fact, my ex broke up with me during Christmas three years ago and this is how everything started: That was the breaking point and my fell into depression). I can't resist anymore.
I wish I could know if I have a chance. I wish I could know if the feedback I got is forever or just an impulse from a depressive person who is not himself right now. I wish I could escape from everything. I'm desperare and scare. I don't know what to do.

 

[Last Caress]

Hello sweetheart,

Your situation is as common as hard to cope with. It's very stressful when we talk about studies and the pressure is huge, and this is because you have to take a decision fast. You have to know if you are going to ctb, or you want to support your own studies. I've been through this, and I lost the year unfortunately...

Love,
Last Caress.

 

[Hel]

I can't stop crying. I've spend the last months abroad and everytime somebody asks me I answer and then I rush to the closest bathrom to cry. I wish I didn't come back, but I had to. I have no money to go back (and can't go and get any job because my family will never let me, I would have to got the job before and that's impossible without being there). I have troubles with my family, I can't focus on studies (abroad I could do it) and my heart is so broken that I can't even explain.
My three options are:
- Killing myself asap
- Try to go away and if life there is still a nightmare, kill myself there
- Pray for a miracle about my love life, because is my main reson to wanting to ctb. If that were good, I could fight for everything. Love have been always my reason to ctb. But my miracle won't happen. each day is more painful.

 

[Hel]

Things keep getting complicated. Right now, something amost impossible is happening and breaking my heart even more. It's like a nightmare but it's real, even if it can't be. It is happening.

I'd kill myself right know if I could (I keep neglecting my health andnot taking my meds for my recent breathing problems but I'm still alive and "well"). To make things even more complicated, my mother fell into a depression. If I've killed myself before, I'd have hurted her very, very badly. But now? How can I? Reasons to make it seem like an accident keep increasing (also, if I fail, because I'm that unlucky, I don't want to be locked in a hospital).
I need to die, my worst nightmare is coming true right now. Everytime I'm about to reach what I've been fighting for with all my soul, everythings falls appart. nd now is for the worst reason. I'm nothing, nothing I did worths it because somebody with no merits, not even a good person, got it without doingany effort. This was my worst fear and it's happening. I want to die, NOW. If I could killed myself tonight I would but I don't have a method (to make it seem like an accident an painless). I need to die, I'm so desperatethat I'd even jump but the building I am in is not tall enough.. Also, I hate that method, it's not for me.. But I'm desperate.If I could have a sign that I still have a chance to be happy, that this is only a nighmare and I'll wake up... But I don't.