Discussion To childhood abuse survivors…

[kkslider]

Does the fact that you feel that you missed out on your childhood and normalcy drive you to feel suicidal? I find that as a young adult now, I'm so scared and pathetic because of what happened to me. I jump at little sounds, and am constantly having nightmares of my abuse. Despite not being in the abusive environment anymore, it still haunts me… and nobody understands that as a child, our parents are supposed to be those we trust most, and once that trust is violated, we end up with an extremely warped view of the world. I can't recover from their heinous actions, and I simply want to disappear. The world is scary.

 

[Jess]

Does the fact that you feel that you missed out on your childhood and normalcy drive you to feel suicidal? I find that as a young adult now, I'm so scared and pathetic because of what happened to me. I jump at little sounds, and am constantly having nightmares of my abuse. Despite not being in the abusive environment anymore, it still haunts me… and nobody understands that as a child, our parents are supposed to be those we trust most, and once that trust is violated, we end up with an extremely warped view of the world. I can't recover from their heinous actions, and I simply want to disappear. The world is scary.

It does drive me to suicide because your parents are the only ones that can truly love you and care for you. Most other people will not give a sh about you and your parents too is the worst

 

[Scribble Fan]

Yes, my childhood is the root of my awful mental state. PTSD, anxiety, depression, no self-esteem, no social skills... I'm such a broken person because of the abuse I went through.

 

[HabitualRain86]

Yes, my childhood is the root of my awful mental state. PTSD, anxiety, depression, no self-esteem, no social skills... I'm such a broken person because of the abuse I went through.

I echo this sentiment. I experience all of those issues. It was only one parent (my father) who abused me, but the inaction by the other (my mother) as well as all of the other adults in my life was just as damaging as what he did to me.

BTW: I don't think that they were definitively aware of what he was doing to me, but there were a non-zero number of people who had suspicions. However, their collective inaction has definitively condemned me to a tortured life of those symptoms you describe.

 

[LossOfWill]

its due to my childhood and my mother that i have BPD. I genuinely feel that i cant feel love because of my parents. I feel bad saying that because I think my dad really tried his best but it just wasnt good enough. So yea i can say that my childhood is a key reason why I want to die.

 

[Ego Sum Medusa]

So here's the thing, you hit the nail when you said, "...as a child, our parents are supposed to be those we trust most, and once that trust is violated, we end up with an extremely warped view of the world." Yes we do. Your talk about jumping at little sounds and nightmares is very familiar to me. I have Complex PTSD (and a party bag of other fun little disoders) and as a result, hypervigilence, difficulty trusting, et, al.

The thing is, and trust me here, it does't go away; it gets worse. I am 57 and my CPTSD and all its little friends have only gotten stronger over the years, largely because I spent most of my life trying to pretend they weren't there. Are you familiar with, "Invader Zim?" "I'm normal. I'm normal." So you've got a head start there, which is excellent. You sound like an intelligent, self-aware person.

The good news is that you don't have to die to get away from this pain. There are specialist out there who deal specifically with major PTSD who can help you.

Try them first. What's the harm in giving it a chance? As soon as you have the spoons, make a few calls, maybe? ♥
its due to my childhood and my mother that i have BPD. I genuinely feel that i cant feel love because of my parents. I feel bad saying that because I think my dad really tried his best but it just wasnt good enough. So yea i can say that my childhood is a key reason why I want to die.

@LossOfWill I have BPD too and I feel for you. That one is a big dog.
I'm sorry you're having to struggle with it.

 

[noname223]

Tbh I do not care at all about my lost childhood. I would trade a horrible childhood anytime with a good adult life (cause it is way longer). I was mistreated since the age of 5. I rather feel hate for my parents that they have destroyed all opporunities I had with the mistreatment. Now I am a loser and there is no way out. I could have achieved many things. They destroyed my brain utterly.
If it would have been a horrible childhood with severe permanent damage of my life quality I would not be so upset.

 

[nerve]

Not so much my childhood. With the exception of the abuse, I was mostly a normal kid. My brain definitely blocked it out for as long as it could and I only started to comprehend what was done to me when I was a teenager. That's when things began to go downhill. I didn't miss out on childhood but I've definitely missed out on adolescence and early adulthood and now regular adulthood. I never dated or learned to drive or went to college or worked. My brain has just been too sick.

One of the most painful parts of my life is wondering how things might've gone for me if I wasn't abused. I was a cute, smart, funny kid. I had a lot of potential.

 

[kkslider]

So here's the thing, you hit the nail when you said, "...as a child, our parents are supposed to be those we trust most, and once that trust is violated, we end up with an extremely warped view of the world." Yes we do. Your talk about jumping at little sounds and nightmares is very familiar to me. I have Complex PTSD (and a party bag of other fun little disoders) and as a result, hypervigilence, difficulty trusting, et, al.

The thing is, and trust me here, it does't go away; it gets worse. I am 57 and my CPTSD and all its little friends have only gotten stronger over the years, largely because I spent most of my life trying to pretend they weren't there. Are you familiar with, "Invader Zim?" "I'm normal. I'm normal." So you've got a head start there, which is excellent. You sound like an intelligent, self-aware person.

The good news is that you don't have to die to get away from this pain. There are specialist out there who deal specifically with major PTSD who can help you.

Try them first. What's the harm in giving it a chance? As soon as you have the spoons, make a few calls, maybe? ♥
its due to my childhood and my mother that i have BPD. I genuinely feel that i cant feel love because of my parents. I feel bad saying that because I think my dad really tried his best but it just wasnt good enough. So yea i can say that my childhood is a key reason why I want to die.

@LossOfWill I have BPD too and I feel for you. That one is a big dog.
I'm sorry you're having to struggle with it.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am saddened to hear that it only got worse for you. I completely understand why you opted to pretend the issues weren't there, as this is exactly how I coped with my trauma during my adolescence. It was only once I left my abusive home and began to speak to mental health professionals that I realized the true gravity of what my parents did. I feel that actually, processing this trauma made me lose what little fight I had left in me. You seem like a very &
kind person, I hope you find peace. :)

Not so much my childhood. With the exception of the abuse, I was mostly a normal kid. My brain definitely blocked it out for as long as it could and I only started to comprehend what was done to me when I was a teenager. That's when things began to go downhill. I didn't miss out on childhood but I've definitely missed out on adolescence and early adulthood and now regular adulthood. I never dated or learned to drive or went to college or worked. My brain has just been too sick.

One of the most painful parts of my life is wondering how things might've gone for me if I wasn't abused. I was a cute, smart, funny kid. I had a lot of potential.

It is painful to imagine what it COULD have been like, isn't it? It's even worse when you see your parents treat siblings, or other children well, and you grow up wondering "why is this happening to me?"

It is terrible that parents are capable of this sort of cruelty.

It does drive me to suicide because your parents are the only ones that can truly love you and care for you. Most other people will not give a sh about you and your parents too is the worst

I completely feel you on this. It's heartbreaking hearing about people who have good relationships with their parents. That unconditional love people describe is something we never experienced, and it leaves us with deep wounds.

 

[rationaltake]

My childhood was so vicious and warped I never managed to build a life. I have so many mental health conditions. I want to ctb now. I'm old anyway. As @SoyMedusa said there is hope for younger people who are aware of their situation and there is specialised therapy.

 

[DeathBecomesMe_2021]

I'm not sure, I don't think the abuse was severe enough to give me PTSD or anything like that but it was enough to fuck up my self-worth and the way I relate to people.

 

[Rational man]

Does the fact that you feel that you missed out on your childhood and normalcy drive you to feel suicidal? I find that as a young adult now, I'm so scared and pathetic because of what happened to me. I jump at little sounds, and am constantly having nightmares of my abuse. Despite not being in the abusive environment anymore, it still haunts me… and nobody understands that as a child, our parents are supposed to be those we trust most, and once that trust is violated, we end up with an extremely warped view of the world. I can't recover from their heinous actions, and I simply want to disappear. The world is scary.

i think you reflect the feelings that so many kids have experienced but its not your fault. We don't choose our parents but they can inflict lasting damage upon us. I just wish that parents could be brought to justice for their narcissistic abuse, and maybe bring a little closure. Im haunted my family's dysfunctional behaviour. Both parents died pretty awfully!. I didnt shed any tears.

 

[Soapie]

Its so horrific how many people's lives were destroyed by the people that were supposed to support them. My dad was absolutely awful to me as a kid and I truly feel you. It sticks with you hard. Childhood is such a formative time and it's so awful how many terrible people have complete control over people during it. I hope in one way or another we can all move last that terrible trauma.

 

[Starryeyes]

I was mentally abused as a child. I now have BPD, depression & anxiety. I have just started therapy. Im nearly 40. I hope I can recover from it and form meaningful connections, but in the meantime… im on this site…hoping the voice in my head is wrong.

 

[blueclover_.]

Does the fact that you feel that you missed out on your childhood and normalcy drive you to feel suicidal? I find that as a young adult now, I'm so scared and pathetic because of what happened to me. I jump at little sounds, and am constantly having nightmares of my abuse. Despite not being in the abusive environment anymore, it still haunts me… and nobody understands that as a child, our parents are supposed to be those we trust most, and once that trust is violated, we end up with an extremely warped view of the world. I can't recover from their heinous actions, and I simply want to disappear. The world is scary.

I have a different experience.

I've been abused by my dad since i was 6. Most childhood abuse survivors react the same way like you do, but it takes a different form for me. Whenever my dad tries to choke me or provoke me, i automatically shut down my feelings/opinions/thoughts and just look at him with neutral straight face in the eyes. In those moments i don't feel scared/angry/anything, just empty and neutral. I think this is some weird defense mechanism my brain has developed to protect my psyche.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Yes. I am fucked up beyond repair. My life got derailed too early in life to ever make it. Some things just cannot be fixed. I am in a constant state of anxiety, fear and loathing. Anytime someone is nice to me I immediately question their motives and think they are trying to exploit me. I have zero trust in people. This makes it impossible to live a normal fulfilling life.

 

[KlMeNw]

i think you reflect the feelings that so many kids have experienced but its not your fault. We don't choose our parents but they can inflict lasting damage upon us. I just wish that parents could be brought to justice for their narcissistic abuse, and maybe bring a little closure. Im haunted my family's dysfunctional behaviour. Both parents died pretty awfully!. I didnt shed any tears.

I feel terrible for asking this as my parents were awful as well, but how did yours die?

I was mentally abused as a child. I now have BPD, depression & anxiety. I have just started therapy. Im nearly 40. I hope I can recover from it and form meaningful connections, but in the meantime… im on this site…hoping the voice in my head is wrong.

Same here, I'm 38 and just beginning to try and deal with my childhood, it seems too late sometimes. Do you feel the same?

 

[LingeringUnreal]

Yes. On top of the abuse itself I feel like I never had a chance to be a normal kid, to make normal friends or acquire normal interests. I attempted suicide fairly often as a teenager, and my whole family suspects that's how I'll go now.

I don't think there's any hope of a normal life for me at this point, especially when everyone in my family is just kind of like, expecting me to ctb. I'm 30 now and I think about the abuse almost every single day. It just makes me tired, you know? Like it didn't get any better after my abuser died.

 

[SanguineHare]

I have pretty bad PTSD from my childhood among a few other events in life. My mother doesn't think it matters because it happened so long in the past. That as an almost thirty year old I should just get over what my stepfather did to me. If only it actually worked that way.

I'm not suicidal from not having a childhood. Although I wish I could have had a normal one. But what happened haunts me to the point I sometimes wake up screaming.

 

[tieiwi]

Every problem in my life comes from my family and my abusive childhood. The way I see it there's no point in living. My family life is shit. My social life is shit. My academic life is shit. It's all because of my family. Not having that loving and caring base structure just creates a building waiting to collapse, if that makes sense. I feel like I was set up for failure and that I was meant to commit suicide. Life isn't appealing to me otherwise. No way do I want to live a life full of suffering and sadness every other day. I'm just selfish like that.

 

[Rational man]

I feel terrible for asking this as my parents were awful as well, but how did yours die?

My.mother.died.after a 12 Year battle with lymphoma cancer. I didnt recognise her not that i had much opportunity because my narcistic brothers possessive intent backed up with serial lies..She left him everything in her WiLL but it didnt matter because they were both jealous that i had made a success of my business. My Father died horribly in a care home having failed to ctb previously. My grandad successfully gassed himself however. My parents didnt love.each other. So pretty fukced up wouldn't you say.? I m living proof that you can survive.child abuse and find and share love with someone else. And find direction in life. Im seeking assisted dying because at 36, the vax triggered autoimmune disease. Theres no cure but im thankful for the life and love i have had. They thoughe their behavioirnwas NORMAL, and kids believe it

 

[KlMeNw]

My.mother.died.after a 12 Year battle with lymphoma cancer. I didnt recognise her not that i had much opportunity because my narcistic brothers possessive intent backed up with serial lies..She left him everything in her WiLL but it didnt matter because they were both jealous that i had made a success of my business. My Father died horribly in a care home having failed to ctb previously. My grandad successfully gassed himself however. My parents didnt love.each other. So pretty fukced up wouldn't you say.? I m living proof that you can survive.child abuse and find and share love with someone else. And find direction in life. Im seeking assisted dying because at 36, the vax triggered autoimmune disease. Theres no cure but im thankful for the life and love i have had. They thoughe their behavioirnwas NORMAL, and kids believe it

Wow, thanks for sharing that. What vaccine did you take? Moderna, phizer....?

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Super relatable OP. I swear, I do not understand why I, and maybe many others cannot get a CPTSD diagnosis. Or its so hard. Maybe because its hard for the sufferers to speak out and the symptoms are hard to talk about and read in the sufferers? Like on the surface, we probably look like we're coping, right up until we commit suicide. Everyone blames us too, I guess? and so on.

Many CPTSD sufferers don't have a support network too. Don't have a family to rely on. I'd argue would why it could be considered "abnormal" or "complex". We don't have normal lives. We never did have any normalcy.

Pfizer vaccine taker here.

 

[subj]

Adolescent sexual abuse by priests left me feeling like nothing, dirty , gutless and to be used by anyone. Mostly fantasising and planning ways to take my life because I'm so useless and dirty.