Venting "To be loved you have to love yourself"

[Shadowplay]

This phrase ticks me off so much. I know plenty of people who loathe themselves yet can still get themselves into relationships. From what I can tell, it's not really hard work that gets you into relationships, but luck.

I'm sure things are just hunky dorey in those relationships......

 

[netrezven]

If your real self sucks - you can improve or pretend to be something else. But the title is truth. Beeing with someone who constantly wants to change you, and worse - with someone who do not let you be yourself - is a very very stupid way to live your life.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

If the things that you don't love about yourself and the things that people don't love about you coincide, that's the last thing you want to hear. Sure, I could love myself, but on what grounds?

Most you can do is overcompensate with something else. What is the least shitty part of me and can I embellish it on some way? Can I reinvent myself?Can I pull a long con? Jesus, how many times have I asked myself that? How many times did I try?

Nope, didn't work. I'm stuck with this unseemly piece of work.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

The amount of support in this thread for the quote proves how cringe worthy this place has become.

 

[Makko]

The amount of support in this thread for the quote proves how cringe worthy this place has become.

Thanks. We try.

 

[existtosuffer]

I've tried it. It just doesn't work if your family's genetics has a history of depression & mental illnesses.

You have no choice or say in anything about yourself. Love is just a chemical reaction to feeling like you belong somewhere because you've found a partner to mate & breed with.

We're just animals who have prolonged our survival with constructs put in place to define a reality where you end up dead.

 

[OrcWitch]

if you know the anime kara no kyoukai, shiki said something about it that i find very strong. About the unconditional love you are meant to have as a child, it makes you feel like the world cares about you. Or not. If you haven't experienced that you can't love yourself, I think.

This is what most of my therapy is about.

The OP quote is true but it is not a good thing. It's actually incredibly blackpilled. You have to climb a tall mountain with your bare feet, where most people were lifted up to the summit on a helicopter as children. Once you reach the summit through extreme work, you are on the same level as people who were brought there effortlessly by their parents.

I don't mean this as self pity, it's just realism. Healthy people do not have to go to therapy and do years of work to feel this way, they just have it. But you generally have to be at the summit to get nice things. You attract abusers and people who do not love/value you. Friends will find you insufferable because you're projecting your wound into all social interactions, they'll see you as a broken dog. It's awful, but nobody wants a broken dog.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I don't think it's entirely wrong, but saying "to be loved you have to love yourself first" is not helpful, it doesn't teach you how to actually accomplish that. It's also such a common phrase that there's no way it's enlightening anyone who hears it. The same is true for a lot of "uplifting" phrases that you hear over and over.

I'll just talk about my experience for a moment. It is not attractive to me when someone is negative and complains a lot. If someone is so self-loathing that conversing with them is an exhausting uphill battle against their lack of confidence, their self doubt, and their negativity... Yeah, a bit of a turn off. I have known people who won't even entertain fantasies or hypotheticals because they're so lost in such things.

As an example, if I ask "what kind of people are you attracted to?" and someone responds "it doesn't matter, I'm an ugly loser who will never find love anyway" or if I say "wouldn't it be fun to live on a spaceship for awhile?" and they respond "I'm too stupid, I'd never get to live on a spaceship" then I'm going to lose interest in talking to them because they're clearly not interested in conversation.

On that note, I think better advice would be to show that you're capable of love in order to attract love. You don't have to love yourself, but if you talk about things you love, your passions, interests, goals, and hobbies, you'll have better luck.

I think I understand what you mean and especially this was made clear to me a few days ago.

The phrase might not be wrong rather said wrong.

Yet it's a phrase that it triggers. Some very rare types of people are simply incapable of attract love. This might be due to a number of factors, obviously.
But doesn't change the fact that they are not capable of being loved.

You might not be able to walk because you have no legs. In a world that you can either change that or fly, you will "walk".
But not on this world.

Again, it's a very rare type of person. But it exists.

Another thing is having to change yourself in order to be attractive.
People are quick to offer advices, but mostly what I see is: You need to be this way and this way and this way.
Then I say: That isn't being attractive, that is forcing yourself to be someone attractive, which obviously, will only last for so long the mask is on.

 

[JinZhin]

Uh... What people think of you is something that is not often in your control. They may or may not do so because of things you do, or say, the way you look and so on.
There have probably been people who held me dear to some extent but with "love" it's like poring water into a glass with a crack if you cannot love yourself. I mean i am spouting this out but I genuinely don't understand what it is like to love or just be okay with yourself- by that I get what it is intellectually but I do not KNOW it and I'm not familiar with it
It's like knowing what water is but never being next it, let alone knowing how to swim- except in this case it's not as simple as learning to swim.

People can think they love you but if you hate yourself, maybe you can see it as something pleasant enjoy the attention etc. but in the end it'd feel wrong, unnatural , and possibly cause even more insecurity and paranoia. Also I reckon it'd be hard to reciprocate.
Those who don't love themselves cannot really love others.
I remembered one Avogado6's six one shot about heart (love) transplant. (It's just a manga bear with me)
Man had his hear filled with love and mundane things were enough to make his heart dance,
But once it dried up, because love was never there in the first place , he kept on going with that heart-shaped gaping hole in his chest until he offed himself
Btw I was never in a romantic relationship, so this is more "general"

I am sorry if I went off topic though I took some sleeping pills and they're kicking in now...

 

[waterstrider]

I wish someone could love a monster like me.

 

[Choco]

Now if only society would understand this.

Ye, people expect us to learn to love ourselves out of nowhere, as if only self love was enough

 

[restforeternity]

 

[Circles]

I think this phrase is partly bullshit and somewhat true I suppose even though I fucking hate cliches. The thing is maybe if someone did loved you in return then you may end up loving yourself in some small way maybe. Accepting yourself is fucking hard for all your faults and flaws and it's ridiculous to expect someone to work this through all on themselves by themselves all their lives with no feedback by other people to help pitch in to give any loving support for years or hell decades or worse a fucking lifetime.

My point being is that it goes both ways but I believe the side that needs to add the loving more are other people instead of doing it yourself. Then maybe some people wouldn't hate ourselves so fucking much all because they've never been loved, befriended, accepted by ANYONE before. Like me for example but I digress.

 

[stellabelle]

This phrase ticks me off so much. I know plenty of people who loathe themselves yet can still get themselves into relationships. From what I can tell, it's not really hard work that gets you into relationships, but luck.

I think loving oneself can be difficult. Especially when you've dealt with trauma. It's not fun to be abused. It's not fun to be stalked or taken advantage of. It's not fun to be made fun of. It's not fun to be "made a fool of" or "making a fool of oneself" of "making a fool" of others. We as people are not foolish, we know from a very early age and well through adolescence and adulthood.

Society tells young people or people themselves to "love themselves" but when that becomes a push into a grandiose sense of self and existence, it can start to boil over into the realm of harmful to oneself or others.

We shame people for pride, we shame people for being humble, we shame people for being alive, we shame them for their bodies, we shame them for their minds.

There are some people who have been pushed over the edge too many times. We see it coming, but we cannot stop a fat ass piece of garbage store clerk from being selfish. From stealing from a person. We blame victims for being "upset" but we don't blame assailants for their behavior.

Society tells us to love ourselves but how do we do that when someone is cruel?

We can "point fingers" all day long but this goes back to failing to correct the problem that has occurred in the first place. We can blame ourselves, we can blame others.

Sadists are very real.

This "want me to trigger you?" crap is so very cruel.

We learn from our life experiences but unfortunately the system we have created has failed our society. They say times are changing, but since when?

When our schools and police departments are failing to protect victims of child abuse or adult victims of domestic violence and returning them to their abusers, there's a problem. Nobody "loves" these kids. It takes a village.

We tell kids to "protect themselves", but since when are they able to when they are "in care of" abusers? This is not a normal existence.

We say the same about adults. "Protect yourself."
How do you protect yourself from a violent offender who continues to offend?

Our system needs reform.

Instead of saying "get over it" or "you'll survive", I think the proper intervention and support needs to be available.

Love is "hard work" at times. It comes naturally and easily, but you'll find the occasional selfish person who says "work smarter, not harder." We've done this so many times in our households, in our society. We warn people about our experiences. Only to find them disregarded.

Instead of "How to piss someone off 101" - and "don't be a statistic" - the problem should be resolved in very simple ways.

Instead of "oh it's entertainment" - it is not entertainment.

Relationships are not difficult (regardless of a familial relationship, political relationships, a sexual relationship, romantic relationships, a peer relationship, roommate relationships, a business relationship, or otherwise.)

But people are. And choose to be.

To be loved is not to be abused. To be minimized, ignored, "questioned" and "invalidated" is absolutely cruel.

Arrogance is a problem.

We can be loved by others.
We can be loved as friends.
We can be loved as peers.

People say "good relationships" are "lucky."
In a way, they are.

But there's a limit to the extent those relationships are/can be/should be granted.

Don't hate yourself for not having a life partner. Hate the selfish society that plays their little games.