Venting "To be loved you have to love yourself"

[one.way.out]

This phrase ticks me off so much. I know plenty of people who loathe themselves yet can still get themselves into relationships. From what I can tell, it's not really hard work that gets you into relationships, but luck.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

This phrase ticks me off so much. I know plenty of people who loathe themselves yet can still get themselves into relationships. From what I can tell, it's not really hard work that gets you into relationships, but luck.

Hard work is based on luck (genetics + environment ).

Do you have autism?

 

[Midgardsorm]

Hard work is based on luck (genetics + environment ).

Do you have autism?

It is a hard work ... from the embryo

 

[one.way.out]

Hard work is based on luck (genetics + environment ).

Do you have autism?

Yes, I'm on the spectrum. I'd bet it also has something to do with having social anxiety and being unattractive.

 

[motel rooms]

I know plenty of people who loathe themselves yet can still get themselves into relationships.

Yeah, those relationships are awesome. Ask all the married self-loathers on SS how their partners treat them...

 

[Luchs]

This phrase ticks me off so much. I know plenty of people who loathe themselves yet can still get themselves into relationships. From what I can tell, it's not really hard work that gets you into relationships, but luck.

It is true. I hate myself and so far I haven't had a loving relationship.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

"To be loved you have to love yourself"

...Not true. Humans are social animals by nature; we originally evolved to live in groups. Our self-worth partially comes from a sense of belonging to a larger unit - a tribe or a community for example. Being accepted into a group signals that we are wanted, and therefore (possibly) loved. If an individual is surrounded by a group of other people who constantly torment them, and tell that individual that they are worthless then eventually they may believe it to be true.

For a person to love themselves they must receive love from others in the first place; everyone involved must give and take affection equally.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

"To be loved you have to love yourself"

...Not true. Humans are social animals by nature; we originally evolved to live in groups. Our self-worth partially comes from a sense of belonging to a larger unit - a tribe or a community for example. Being accepted into a group signals that we are wanted, and therefore (possibly) loved. If an individual is surrounded by a group of other people who constantly torment them, and tell that individual that they are worthless then eventually they may believe it to be true.

For a person to love themselves they must receive love from others in the first place; everyone involved must give and take affection equally.

Now if only society would understand this.

 

[Kattt]

I'm so sorry,but I do beieve it's true.
For some reason,all my friends,who are all male,feel the need to tell me about their love life.
Partners treat you like shit because you let them,usually because of chronic low self esteem
When you forget it and just focus on being the best possible you
That's a very attractive quality

 

[agressive_thought]

This phrase ticks me off so much. I know plenty of people who loathe themselves yet can still get themselves into relationships. From what I can tell, it's not really hard work that gets you into relationships, but luck.

I can't agree enough. But at the same time I push people away because I hate myself so much I drive them to just keep me at arm length. I'm so miserable I hate myself.

 

[nex]

If I have to love myself to be loved by others, well case closed then. Loving or even accepting myself is out of the question. If that's how it is, I can never be loved by anyone.

 

[restforeternity]

Such a paradox almost

 

[cowboyy]

It's an absolutely stupid quote indeed. There's a lot of those circling around social media unconsciously preaching the idea of artificial positivity. The world we live in these days is bonkers, people in positions of huge privilege try to "motivate others" - and well, probably themselves - with things that make ordinary individuals' hatred towards the society even stronger. But let's be honest, motivating others is just a cover for the need of social validation. I don't even know if I should blame them for this at this point to be honest, I mean, I do the same, just with different methods that are subjectively less exploiting and fake I guess? But then again the stakes are different, for them it's extension of the happiness they're already experiencing, for us it's a matter of survival.

 

[FriendofDeath]

You can hate yourself and be in a relationship but either a) they'll get tired of it or b) you'll be abused in some way and probably believe you deserve it.

 

[Tamz]

I'm not exactly a fan of myself but I am married. I am loved. Sometimes I just want to be fully understood though which doesn't always happen. Perhaps I expect too much.

 

[enau]

if you know the anime kara no kyoukai, shiki said something about it that i find very strong. About the unconditional love you are meant to have as a child, it makes you feel like the world cares about you. Or not. If you haven't experienced that you can't love yourself, I think. Love yourself is an abstraction, that why its upseting/annoying when you dont understand or feel it, or if youre autistic: you can love someone, a thing, an activity, but "yourself" is a concept and state of consciousness.In psychology loving yourself means the "caring" thing, when you integrate all the love around you, or for you as a child, the right treatment, and after that you continue to give it to yourself, as if you were your own parent.But if that failed , it's hard to be to youserlf something else than an abusive indifferent or neglect asshole, i think love is something you give and receive, and learn with others, not only by youserlf.But its very difficult or maybe impossible to learn this unconditionnal love with casual, normies, adult relationship

 

[Lmd]

I think the quote is half true. More like to be loved I would say "to accept love" Sometimes we hate us so much that is hard to find anything good enough to think someone will accept us. Then we start to focus on that ideas (I'm too ugly, I don't have anything to offer, I'm useless, I'm a bother...) that when someone comes with a compliment we can't accept it or we just ignore it because we don't even realize that they are being nice to us.

Also everyone has a preconceived idea of what love is so when you are in that state of hating yourself but desperately want to receive love you cling to whatever you think it is. Apparently so much people thinks that being into a relationship means that someone loves you when this is totally wrong. You can be inside one and receive abuse and harassement comming from that person that "loves you so much" making you more misserable but you are so vulnerable that you allow it and you think that's the only thing you aspire to because, again, who is going to love you? It's a miracle that you have already found a person who is with you, right? And there you are wasting time thinking that's the only thing you deserve.

So I don't think the quote itself is true but I believe that hating you can make things very difficult.

 

[Mentalmick]

Hmmm... that's me fucked.

 

[stygal]

I hate myself even though it's gotten better in the last 2-3 years...

And yet 3 people have told me they loved me romantically (mainly thought they were joking) when I was in the depth of hating everything and everyone.

So I guess it's highly individual and most likely depends on the people you surround yourself with.

That quote can still be partly true because when you "love/accept" yourself you probably radiate a better energy and thus the likelihood of meeting someone is higher.

 

[nerve]

Not a fan of sayings like that.

As if someone dealing with low self-esteem or self-loathing doesn't already feel like shit about themselves, then you go and tell them that their love isn't as meaningful or real as other people's.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I think it's true. There's no way you can give someone else what they need, your time and attention, if you are drowning in a stinky pond of self-loathing.
I think it's also true that you can't love yourself if you aren't recieving love. It's a cycle.
I'm sure there are exceptions though. Nothing is black and white. From first hand, I was being loved but I was still insecure and doubted myself. Still hated myself. I was saying to myself that she loved me because she didn't yet see the whole me. But she will. She will. And she did.

Self-prophecy much?

Edit: The discrepancy might just be because of the possibility that I didn't love her enough. I found her tedious and boring. We didn't have a lot in common.
But then again, I was self- absorbed. Did I make her that way because she didn't manage to get through me? What could she do? And maybe we didn't have a lot in common because my only interest was always me.

 

[motel rooms]

I think it's true.

Healthy love... What kinda weirdo would wanna read a story about that?

 

[Makko]

Nothing is black and white.

Unpopular opinion: seeing the world in something other than black and white is creating unnecessary confusion for yourself

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Healthy love... What kinda weirdo would wanna read a story about that?

There wouldn't be much to read lol

Unpopular opinion: seeing the world in something other than black and white is creating unnecessary confusion for yourself

Interracial is the way.

 

[Anxieyote]

And then when you do "love yourself", people call you a self-centered narcissist.

It is a meme. Loving yourself is not required to find love.

If that were the case, no alcoholic or substance abuser would ever get married because they obviously hate themselves for doing what they do to their bodies—but they are far from being removed from the dating pool. You would never see any personal anecdotes like "I was really struggling, and my partner saved my life. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't met them."

Some people even find fuck-ups to be more attractive, because they're relatable. I think the amount of people who hate themselves before entering a relationship far outnumber the amount of people who are entirely confident in themselves and their abilities before they meet their special someone.

 

[Kubi]

I love myself, that doesn't mean anyone else do! :)

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I hate this phrase too. If I actually loved myself, it would just cause too many problems for the people around me, well more than I already do at least. Besides, why should I be forced to love someone who is so mean and rude to me all the time anyway?

 

[TheHatedOne]

There's not much thought process going on when someone says that phrase. It's just a mantra that further shows their ignorance while they sink deeper in their bubble of comfort without even trying to understand the other person's situation. Effortless and very repetitive. Absolutely delusional.

 

[SleepDealer]

I don't think it's entirely wrong, but saying "to be loved you have to love yourself first" is not helpful, it doesn't teach you how to actually accomplish that. It's also such a common phrase that there's no way it's enlightening anyone who hears it. The same is true for a lot of "uplifting" phrases that you hear over and over.

I'll just talk about my experience for a moment. It is not attractive to me when someone is negative and complains a lot. If someone is so self-loathing that conversing with them is an exhausting uphill battle against their lack of confidence, their self doubt, and their negativity... Yeah, a bit of a turn off. I have known people who won't even entertain fantasies or hypotheticals because they're so lost in such things.

As an example, if I ask "what kind of people are you attracted to?" and someone responds "it doesn't matter, I'm an ugly loser who will never find love anyway" or if I say "wouldn't it be fun to live on a spaceship for awhile?" and they respond "I'm too stupid, I'd never get to live on a spaceship" then I'm going to lose interest in talking to them because they're clearly not interested in conversation.

On that note, I think better advice would be to show that you're capable of love in order to attract love. You don't have to love yourself, but if you talk about things you love, your passions, interests, goals, and hobbies, you'll have better luck.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Who the f*** knows really?…. But when I hear that phrase, it triggers me, and not in a good way….