Venting Tired

[Zanmato]

In these days I feel like my "depression" is going worse and worse.
I feel like so close to try to put an end to my life.
Today I woke up and I felt so tired (mentally).
I didn't even eated, today.
I tried, when I felt a bit hungry, but when I started, I didn't felt hungry anymore.
I wish I could spent all my day on my bed, but of course I had to work.
So now I'm tired physically too.
Thanks life.

Then, I was looking at my wrists, and I thought about a cut on them.
Maybe this is not the best way to CTB, but I wish I wasn't so afraid about it.
When I drive, when I have to go back home, I speed up on a street.
In the end, I brake the car, but I wonder what if I won't do that in time.
What if I just have a crash (not against another car), or if I fall down that bridge?
Is not too high, so it might be useless, or I would end up in a very bad condition.

I kinda hate this fear of death.
I feel like I'm trapped here.
And I wonder: Am I afraid also because I would feel bad to someone who would miss me?
I guess just a few people.
And my cat, mainly.
The one who owns an animal can totally understand, I know it

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering, I also feel tired of it all, in fact I've always felt in such a way. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[mint]

Some days, my cat was my only reason to keep living.

 

[DeadNotSleeping]

I've never really been able to "picture" things when I think about them. Always thought I had aphantasia or something. It wasn't until I was at my lowest I caught myself staring at the knife block in the kitchen and actually imagining driving one into my wrist. It was such a bizarre feeling I was immediately overwhelmed.

I also fully understand the feeling just just being so tired all the time. Doesn't matter how much sleep you actually get. You're just emotionally done with everything. It's awful especially when you have responsibilities you have to take care of. It's one of the most crippling thing about depression for me.

 

[Zanmato]

I also fully understand the feeling just just being so tired all the time. Doesn't matter how much sleep you actually get. You're just emotionally done with everything. It's awful especially when you have responsibilities you have to take care of. It's one of the most crippling thing about depression for me.

Exactly.
Beside my insomnia, I'm lucky because I can sleep in the morning.
And yet, I feel like I can't rest at all.
It's so frustrating.