the title itself pretty much sums up everything, but i can't keep away the details behind it. i want to be heard, even if it may be selfish and self-centered.
my life is a result of being labeled a 'gifted kid'.
i performed nearly excellent in school and then first years of college. was spoiled by my parents. loved by all of my teachers & professors.
but besides that i turned out to be...nothing on myself.
i have no interest in anything. no hobbies. no favourite movies or series. no books. no favourite places. NOTHING.
the issue is that if I had enough of 'SOMETHING' in me, I know I'd move mountains and be some really cool person everyone would love.
i tried a lot of things. reading books, programming, animating, playing games, making my own music, sculpting, 3d modelling, knitting, making plush toys...but guess what? most of it never worked out and i abandoned all these activities rather quickly. the only hobby i had was art, but after 6 wonderful years im giving up on it too.
for most of my life i tried to achieve attention, popularity, an understanding audience. something I never got in school or anywhere else.
i was lonely. for more than 10 years i was surrounded by people who didn't like me just because i was quote-on-quote 'weird' to them.
even after i found people who I could call 'friends' they just kept dissolving into the darkness whenever i felt like my mental state is becoming worse and worse.
in the end i've never achieved anything, and looking at people my age or younger having better skills for the only thing i know how to do makes me wanna ctb even more sometimes. and i'm still lonely around people, whoever they are. and i don't even feel human anyway. im something else.
all of it worsened just recently, because it used to be constant crying and thoughts about ctb, now it's...only void. no feelings, no emotions, no desires, no ideas, nothing.
now i can't even understand why would my mother spend hours and hours just to push me out of herself when she didn't want any children in the first place.
all of this could've been prevented.
i'm planning to ctb only when i finally move out. despite my parents being ignorant about my mental state and often absent, i still don't want them around when i'm finally doing it. i just want to do it ...alone...all by myself. like i've always been.
my life is a result of being labeled a 'gifted kid'.
i performed nearly excellent in school and then first years of college. was spoiled by my parents. loved by all of my teachers & professors.
but besides that i turned out to be...nothing on myself.
i have no interest in anything. no hobbies. no favourite movies or series. no books. no favourite places. NOTHING.
the issue is that if I had enough of 'SOMETHING' in me, I know I'd move mountains and be some really cool person everyone would love.
i tried a lot of things. reading books, programming, animating, playing games, making my own music, sculpting, 3d modelling, knitting, making plush toys...but guess what? most of it never worked out and i abandoned all these activities rather quickly. the only hobby i had was art, but after 6 wonderful years im giving up on it too.
for most of my life i tried to achieve attention, popularity, an understanding audience. something I never got in school or anywhere else.
i was lonely. for more than 10 years i was surrounded by people who didn't like me just because i was quote-on-quote 'weird' to them.
even after i found people who I could call 'friends' they just kept dissolving into the darkness whenever i felt like my mental state is becoming worse and worse.
in the end i've never achieved anything, and looking at people my age or younger having better skills for the only thing i know how to do makes me wanna ctb even more sometimes. and i'm still lonely around people, whoever they are. and i don't even feel human anyway. im something else.
all of it worsened just recently, because it used to be constant crying and thoughts about ctb, now it's...only void. no feelings, no emotions, no desires, no ideas, nothing.
now i can't even understand why would my mother spend hours and hours just to push me out of herself when she didn't want any children in the first place.
all of this could've been prevented.
i'm planning to ctb only when i finally move out. despite my parents being ignorant about my mental state and often absent, i still don't want them around when i'm finally doing it. i just want to do it ...alone...all by myself. like i've always been.
