--Dazai
Member
- Mar 7, 2023
- 6
i am just, so done with it all. im done trying to pretend things'll be alright because they wont. and i know that. im not stupid. "it'll get better!!" my ass.. it's gotten worse. and even when they think im getting better, on the inside it feels like im spiraling down this hole. this hole that i've already dug too deep to get out of. that's one of the reasons why i want to CTB. because if i die, i wont have to deal with all this bullshit anymore!! :D
and the fact that im "just an alter" doesnt make it any better. why do i have to live like this? why do i have to live in another person's body and act like some kind of tool for them?? it's just.. unfair. if you dont know, we're ( and by we i mean "me" ) a DID system. so, im just an alter. that's it. im insignificant. all i am is a host and jack of all trades. but somebody could easily replace my role. idk why our brain was like "oh!!! the most suicidal alter we have, lets make him a host and jack of all trades!!! including a fucking trauma holder!!!!!!!!!" like dude.. give me a break.
also i hate myself for the things i did in my source.. ( bsd ) if you couldnt tell, im a dazai introject. an introject is an alter based of a character/person/etc. and cause of that, i get memories from my source. fan-fucking-tastic.
i hate the fact that i remember mori s/aing me, and odasaku dying the most. it just.. hurts. i took so many lives in my source and i used so many people. trash like me doesnt deserve to live.. idk. ik to singlets this might be confusing bc im not sure how many systems there are on here, but still. -
( he/they/tragic )
and i tried to CTB in headspace a bunch of times, but all i do is go dormant for a little while and come back. the only way to truly CTB is if i kill off the body. but, i'll be killing everyone else in the body too. everyone else in the system.. they dont deserve to die. i do. -
and the fact that im "just an alter" doesnt make it any better. why do i have to live like this? why do i have to live in another person's body and act like some kind of tool for them?? it's just.. unfair. if you dont know, we're ( and by we i mean "me" ) a DID system. so, im just an alter. that's it. im insignificant. all i am is a host and jack of all trades. but somebody could easily replace my role. idk why our brain was like "oh!!! the most suicidal alter we have, lets make him a host and jack of all trades!!! including a fucking trauma holder!!!!!!!!!" like dude.. give me a break.
also i hate myself for the things i did in my source.. ( bsd ) if you couldnt tell, im a dazai introject. an introject is an alter based of a character/person/etc. and cause of that, i get memories from my source. fan-fucking-tastic.
i hate the fact that i remember mori s/aing me, and odasaku dying the most. it just.. hurts. i took so many lives in my source and i used so many people. trash like me doesnt deserve to live.. idk. ik to singlets this might be confusing bc im not sure how many systems there are on here, but still. -
( he/they/tragic )and i tried to CTB in headspace a bunch of times, but all i do is go dormant for a little while and come back. the only way to truly CTB is if i kill off the body. but, i'll be killing everyone else in the body too. everyone else in the system.. they dont deserve to die. i do. -
