I'm trying hard to be more, I'm never enough. I don't enjoy life, I don't enjoy being alive. What is this for? What's the point? It will just be another 30+ years of pain, hoping it won't be, knowing full-well it will.
I'm talking to all these people online to try and connect, but I belong with/to none of them, I am lonely. I wake up every day and it is me against the world every day and I'm not enough - I'm too slow, too different, too ugly. I like me. I like me, why is me not enough? I don't sit on my ass and do nothing, I get up again and fucking again, over and over again, and I'm never enough. Fuck your "you'll grow" - FUCK your "just keep trying" - FOR WHAT??? WHY??? Why am I here? What is the fucking point?
I'm scared of going, so I try again just to bump my head the same way every time. I build up enough hope and support to try just to have life go, "no sorry, still not enough - why don't you get it?". The window is coming, if I don't do it now there won't be another window again for a long time. I feel angry, I don't want to die - life could be better under the right conditions, but I'd have to be fucking carried, like a fucking child! The conditions will not come, they are not realistic, I can't make them happen - so what then, what else is there? I don't want to just suffer on because I'm too much of a fucking pussy to end it. I'm angry that I don't have more agency in my life. I feel enraged, I want to hurt people and myself. I feel so powerless and furious. I wish I died at birth.
Edit: I want someone to share some magic words with me that changes everything, some concept I haven't seen or something I've been misunderstanding - but there's fucking nothing. I've turned every stone, there's fucking nothing.
I'm talking to all these people online to try and connect, but I belong with/to none of them, I am lonely. I wake up every day and it is me against the world every day and I'm not enough - I'm too slow, too different, too ugly. I like me. I like me, why is me not enough? I don't sit on my ass and do nothing, I get up again and fucking again, over and over again, and I'm never enough. Fuck your "you'll grow" - FUCK your "just keep trying" - FOR WHAT??? WHY??? Why am I here? What is the fucking point?
I'm scared of going, so I try again just to bump my head the same way every time. I build up enough hope and support to try just to have life go, "no sorry, still not enough - why don't you get it?". The window is coming, if I don't do it now there won't be another window again for a long time. I feel angry, I don't want to die - life could be better under the right conditions, but I'd have to be fucking carried, like a fucking child! The conditions will not come, they are not realistic, I can't make them happen - so what then, what else is there? I don't want to just suffer on because I'm too much of a fucking pussy to end it. I'm angry that I don't have more agency in my life. I feel enraged, I want to hurt people and myself. I feel so powerless and furious. I wish I died at birth.
Edit: I want someone to share some magic words with me that changes everything, some concept I haven't seen or something I've been misunderstanding - but there's fucking nothing. I've turned every stone, there's fucking nothing.
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