Venting Tired of living but can’t even die

[clown_17]

I was trying partial. At first it was too painful. But I kept trying over and over again to find the right spot that would make me pass out. One time I started making these involuntary shriek/gasps and I got up to close the window because I didn't want anyone outside to hear if that continued the whole way through. Another time I nearly passed out but I just never did? I was there feeling so far away, head felt like it would explode, buzzing arms and legs, and yet I stayed conscious even though I had to of been there multiple minutes, so I just cut my losses and untied myself.

What am I doing wrong? I've attempted partial in the past years back and I must have done something different because that time I passed out within seconds and only lived because the belt broke.

I was using a tie for this time but it was taken away by my parents because I was caught preparing to try again.

Idk like what was I doing wrong? Since the tie is a no-go, idk what other things I could use. I could use hoodie strings or cords but I feel like that would be even more uncomfortable and would be less likely to give me results.

I'm so tired of this. Thinking I should just try the radial artery since I'm able to self harm deep so I reckon I could handle the pain, but I know if I fail that one ill be stuck needing surgery and a psych evaluation and that would be annoying because I hate hospitals and doctors can be so fucking rude

SN, N, or any of those fancy methods aren't an option for me

I'm not sure where I'm even going with this I just want to die and it's so frustrating that I can't even do that

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so trapped in this existence, to me it's extremely cruel how we cannot just have the option to reliably die in peace when we wish to, it's horrible how people have to struggle so much in trying to die. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.