deerme
Member
- Feb 8, 2021
- 22
I've been returning here once or twice a year, hoping to find some quick solution to my problems. I know it's never easy, but I just want some way to escape it all.
Ive been struggling with my mental illnesses, and trauma sense I've turned 18. Over the last half of 2022 I ended up dropping out of college in my junior year because it was just too much, I was crying daily and couldn't get out of bed. I ended up leaving my shitty ex boyfriend and moved to Minnesota to live with my (now) fiance. I was happier than I had ever been. Then, of course my insurance stopped fully covering the mood stabilizer that was working for me. So I had to stop taking it because it wasn't affordable. I haven't found a mood stabilizer yet that works. I ended up spending a night at the hospital for wanting to hurt myself back in January. I ended up throwing everything into my car a few days later, and moving back in with my ex bf for a couple months. (he ended up raping me while I was living with him again) I begged my fiance to take me back a few weeks after returning, I had been acting so crazy and she was the happiest I'd ever been before I screwed it all up. She accepted, and I moved back soon after, I found a job that was fulfilling. Things were going really well actually.
Then, I couldn't get a new doctor here quick enough. even without a working mood stabilizer I still had ADHD meds that helped me greatly, but I had to wait an entire month without ADHD meds until my first appointment with a new doctor. Then to get a referral for therapy and a psychiatrist the company requires it has my previous medical records. My previous clinic took two months to accomplish that. In fact that was just a few days ago they finally did it.
Now here I am, I've been calling out of work frequently, getting easily upset/angry, feeling suicidal again, and on top of all this my fucking car's transmission went out last month and we can't afford to fix it. I'm trying my fucking best to not end up with myself in another hospital visit, but every day I call off is less and less money, making things harder on us financially. With my constant breakdowns, I've really seen how much it hurts my fiance to see how much I'm hurting. Which makes me feel even worse knowing my suffering is making others suffer. I feel trapped on a hamster wheel.
I can't stop working because I wouldn't be able to afford being alive.
I can't work 40 hours a week or I'd fucking break, but that's basically required to not make things extremely difficult financially.
Right now, I do thankfully have a job that does care about me, and I'm down to 3 days a week, but it's not enough money to carry my half of finances. Which means every day I've had off I've just stressed about finances and how I'm making it all worse. So I can't even enjoy my days off to try and relax. I've been having daily panic attacks, and I've been so anxious looking at food makes me nauseous 9/10 times.
I just wish I could die so I could escape all of this. I'm tired of seriously hurting the people I care about. I dream of getting killed in some tragic accident so I could stop suffering, and it wouldn't be my fault for the pain those close to me. Why do people only help when I'm already starting to tie the noose? No one wants me to kill myself because that would hurt or traumatize them or whatever. And yet, no one helps while I'm begging for help now. because I know if I keep down this path I'll be tying another noose soon. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I might qualify for disability in one way or another, but it's so impossible to get on. I'm too intimidated by the process, and embarrassed by how my family would view me to start. Besides any fix for my issues all seem to be months of suffering away.
Roommates could help with finances, and we are looking at that. However that is at least half a year away. New insurance could cover my old medication that worked, but that a long process I don't have the time or energy to deal with currently.
I just want some way to stop feeling like this that's not half a year of work to get too. I can't handle it. I can't. I'm not strong enough. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm a financial and emotional burden to everyone I get close with, and yet the only way I can see for me to stop hurting them by basically just fucking existing with my illnesses is to make them hate me, or disappear. Except I can't fucking even disappear because my car is broke like I mentioned!
Long fucking post, doubt anyone will read. I'm just so fucking tired of everything.
Ive been struggling with my mental illnesses, and trauma sense I've turned 18. Over the last half of 2022 I ended up dropping out of college in my junior year because it was just too much, I was crying daily and couldn't get out of bed. I ended up leaving my shitty ex boyfriend and moved to Minnesota to live with my (now) fiance. I was happier than I had ever been. Then, of course my insurance stopped fully covering the mood stabilizer that was working for me. So I had to stop taking it because it wasn't affordable. I haven't found a mood stabilizer yet that works. I ended up spending a night at the hospital for wanting to hurt myself back in January. I ended up throwing everything into my car a few days later, and moving back in with my ex bf for a couple months. (he ended up raping me while I was living with him again) I begged my fiance to take me back a few weeks after returning, I had been acting so crazy and she was the happiest I'd ever been before I screwed it all up. She accepted, and I moved back soon after, I found a job that was fulfilling. Things were going really well actually.
Then, I couldn't get a new doctor here quick enough. even without a working mood stabilizer I still had ADHD meds that helped me greatly, but I had to wait an entire month without ADHD meds until my first appointment with a new doctor. Then to get a referral for therapy and a psychiatrist the company requires it has my previous medical records. My previous clinic took two months to accomplish that. In fact that was just a few days ago they finally did it.
Now here I am, I've been calling out of work frequently, getting easily upset/angry, feeling suicidal again, and on top of all this my fucking car's transmission went out last month and we can't afford to fix it. I'm trying my fucking best to not end up with myself in another hospital visit, but every day I call off is less and less money, making things harder on us financially. With my constant breakdowns, I've really seen how much it hurts my fiance to see how much I'm hurting. Which makes me feel even worse knowing my suffering is making others suffer. I feel trapped on a hamster wheel.
I can't stop working because I wouldn't be able to afford being alive.
I can't work 40 hours a week or I'd fucking break, but that's basically required to not make things extremely difficult financially.
Right now, I do thankfully have a job that does care about me, and I'm down to 3 days a week, but it's not enough money to carry my half of finances. Which means every day I've had off I've just stressed about finances and how I'm making it all worse. So I can't even enjoy my days off to try and relax. I've been having daily panic attacks, and I've been so anxious looking at food makes me nauseous 9/10 times.
I just wish I could die so I could escape all of this. I'm tired of seriously hurting the people I care about. I dream of getting killed in some tragic accident so I could stop suffering, and it wouldn't be my fault for the pain those close to me. Why do people only help when I'm already starting to tie the noose? No one wants me to kill myself because that would hurt or traumatize them or whatever. And yet, no one helps while I'm begging for help now. because I know if I keep down this path I'll be tying another noose soon. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I might qualify for disability in one way or another, but it's so impossible to get on. I'm too intimidated by the process, and embarrassed by how my family would view me to start. Besides any fix for my issues all seem to be months of suffering away.
Roommates could help with finances, and we are looking at that. However that is at least half a year away. New insurance could cover my old medication that worked, but that a long process I don't have the time or energy to deal with currently.
I just want some way to stop feeling like this that's not half a year of work to get too. I can't handle it. I can't. I'm not strong enough. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm a financial and emotional burden to everyone I get close with, and yet the only way I can see for me to stop hurting them by basically just fucking existing with my illnesses is to make them hate me, or disappear. Except I can't fucking even disappear because my car is broke like I mentioned!
Long fucking post, doubt anyone will read. I'm just so fucking tired of everything.
