Story Tired of carrying the pain.

[OnlyWinOnce]

Hello, everyone. Like most of you on this site, I've been dealing with extreme depression for the vast majority of my life (since I was 12, in fact) but only rarely have I felt that death would be an option for me. I had always thought of myself as friendly, extroverted, empathetic and kind-hearted; intelligent, witty, and even assertive when need be. I had/have many great friends, a decent job, and a supportive family (aside from my father)—but at the same time, I have also suffered from a host of personal issues, both mental and emotional, that have interfered with my life, robbing me of so much; yet still, I have tried to soldier on, to weather the storm and see past the darkness towards brighter things... but now I'm not so positive. Something serious, so deeply regretful, has happened in my life which has confirmed what I'd always thought true: that I'll never be a normal person; that I'll never be deserving of good relationships; and that eventually people will be hurt by me—unless I take control now and CTB.

I once had a very close friend in my life whom I had treasured deeply, and for two years it was thought we would always be together—but over time, I became paranoid that they would leave me. I started following (though stalking would be more apt) them around everywhere, messaging them constantly when they were online, getting upset then they wouldn't talk to me after a short period, and becoming jealous of the time they spent with other friends; typical clingy behaviour, basically. I thought our friendship would end and did everything to "save" it... only to discover too late that I was just being delusional.

Eventually, they had enough and blocked me entirely—on Discord, social media, and in the same MMORPG we used to play (and where we originally met). I was devastated, but instead of giving them space, I wound up breaking the No Contact Rule by trying to circumvent their block and contacting them again through a secondary account on both Twitter and that same MMO. Needless to say, that was the final straw and now our friendship is irreparably broken. Even if well-meaning, I further ruined things. I lacked the willpower to respect their boundaries, and my poor attempt to apologize made me come across as a desperate creep they are actively avoiding.

Everyone tells me now that my best bet is to just "move on", work on improving myself, and look towards the future; to stop thinking of this friend I've chased away—but honestly, what is the point? Every day I live in regret and shame over what happened, and the guilt is tearing me up inside. I still WANT to apologize, to try and salvage things between us, or at least find closure... but I know that I can't. And that hurts more than anything, being aware of how much damage you've done and needlessly hurting someone so special because you thought your relationship was in danger of collapsing. Talk about a self-fulfilled prophecy.

I'm just tired of living with the pain now. This happened seven months ago now, and I just don't see a way out from the suffering; the regret will always be with me. Am I selfish for wanting to die now and making my remaining friends—those who haven't also abandoned me since—sad, too? Perhaps. But I think continuing to live, knowing that no one will see you the same anymore because of what you've done, is even worse. There are enough worse people on this planet without me being around to potentially make things worse for better folk, so it's best that I die. My death would be a net positive to the world's health, even if it's just a small benefit.

I want to die. I just want to die. There is nothing left in this life but misery and loneliness, and I just want peace.

 

[hopelessgirl]

Hello, everyone. Like most of you on this site, I've been dealing with extreme depression for the vast majority of my life (since I was 12, in fact) but only rarely have I felt that death would be an option for me. I had always thought of myself as friendly, extroverted, empathetic and kind-hearted; intelligent, witty, and even assertive when need be. I had/have many great friends, a decent job, and a supportive family (aside from my father)—but at the same time, I have also suffered from a host of personal issues, both mental and emotional, that have interfered with my life, robbing me of so much; yet still, I have tried to soldier on, to weather the storm and see past the darkness towards brighter things... but now I'm not so positive. Something serious, so deeply regretful, has happened in my life which has confirmed what I'd always thought true: that I'll never be a normal person; that I'll never be deserving of good relationships; and that eventually people will be hurt by me—unless I take control now and CTB.

I once had a very close friend in my life whom I had treasured deeply, and for two years it was thought we would always be together—but over time, I became paranoid that they would leave me. I started following (though stalking would be more apt) them around everywhere, messaging them constantly when they were online, getting upset then they wouldn't talk to me after a short period, and becoming jealous of the time they spent with other friends; typical clingy behaviour, basically. I thought our friendship would end and did everything to "save" it... only to discover too late that I was just being delusional.

Eventually, they had enough and blocked me entirely—on Discord, social media, and in the same MMORPG we used to play (and where we originally met). I was devastated, but instead of giving them space, I wound up breaking the No Contact Rule by trying to circumvent their block and contacting them again through a secondary account on both Twitter and that same MMO. Needless to say, that was the final straw and now our friendship is irreparably broken. Even if well-meaning, I further ruined things. I lacked the willpower to respect their boundaries, and my poor attempt to apologize made me come across as a desperate creep they are actively avoiding.

Everyone tells me now that my best bet is to just "move on", work on improving myself, and look towards the future; to stop thinking of this friend I've chased away—but honestly, what is the point? Every day I live in regret and shame over what happened, and the guilt is tearing me up inside. I still WANT to apologize, to try and salvage things between us, or at least find closure... but I know that I can't. And that hurts more than anything, being aware of how much damage you've done and needlessly hurting someone so special because you thought your relationship was in danger of collapsing. Talk about a self-fulfilled prophecy.

I'm just tired of living with the pain now. This happened seven months ago now, and I just don't see a way out from the suffering; the regret will always be with me. Am I selfish for wanting to die now and making my remaining friends—those who haven't also abandoned me since—sad, too? Perhaps. But I think continuing to live, knowing that no one will see you the same anymore because of what you've done, is even worse. There are enough worse people on this planet without me being around to potentially make things worse for better folk, so it's best that I die. My death would be a net positive to the world's health, even if it's just a small benefit.

I want to die. I just want to die. There is nothing left in this life but misery and loneliness, and I just want peace.

You are going through grief. It is very hard for us human beings. It is basically giving us pain. And it is real. Time will heal. But you'll have to learn how to live again. You can learn to live with the pain. When you realize that it is separation distress you are going through with this relationship being cut off. I also wanted to die. But I realized that the person I lost, the love and what we had they're with me. I can still write them though. But it broke my heart loosing them. I still see the person almost every night in my dreams I search for them.

 

[OnlyWinOnce]

But I don't want to live with the pain—I want it to end! Maybe if there were some way never to see my friend again, it would help me get over them, but we play the same game together and seeing them pass me by like I'm just another faceless stranger hurts so much, especially since I deserve it. These wounds will always open up, keeping me from moving on or even functioning.

I am glad you have kept the memory of your love alive if that helps. I've done the same thing with my friend, cherishing what we once had; I'm sure they don't care to do likewise, and why would they? Why bother remembering anything we've had when it's better to forget I existed. I'm a fucking freak, and I deserve to die.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

OnlyWinOnce-

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join. Thanks for sharing.

I know just what you're talking about. I had some of those same behaviors when I was younger (I am old by forum standards.)

One of the things I learned about in therapy was to reframe some of those behaviors. The kindest thing I can do for those people is not an apology. The kindest thing I can do for them is space. It is what they want and what they need, and if I truly care about them, I will give it to them. I used to view it as an act of love, though now they are just no longer part of my life. It's not that I don't have memories or that I never think of them, but the urge to pick up the phone is gone.

The sad truth is that in a relationship, the one who wants less contact is the one who "wins." It's true for romantic relationships, friendly relationships and even work contacts. Recognizing that truth is one of the things that everyone has to learn. Some of us just get stuck there.

Although it's been seven months, it's still early days. I suspect that the things that irritate you to hear - that time will help, that you are young - are so irritating because they're true, and deep down, you know that. But the only way out of the pain is through it. I wish I could tell you that something, anything will make this all disappear, but you already know that's not how it works.

Please keep talking to us. We're here and glad to listen.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I could really relate to a lot of this. From the treasuring them deeply to self-fulling prophecies resulting in an end that cannot be overcome. I had a similar friend and I knew I was getting toxic and I would stay away just for fear of ruining it or her getting too tired of me, or even me saying something so she'd finally see through to what an awful person I was. She always told me I wasn't, and she must believe it now since I did exactly to her what I promised I wouldn't in how I left her. I still think of her way too often and it was my decision to exit from her life in a poor way. Everything is my fault. But I'm also incapable of going back and apologizing since I have all intents (and did when I first left) to end my life, and as long as these persist and none of my issues have been worked out, there is no point being in her life or really anyone's. I'm just toxic, and make my own mental issues worse knowing I'm spreading it to anyone else and I'd rather not. But it's so hard to be lonely and unheard and empty, but still here. Here as in alive, these forums have been my only refuge and probably the only reason my mental health isn't completely deplorable (I mean it is, but it could be even worse).

It's so hard to deal with being our own worst enemy and causing ourselves irreparable pain. I don't know how to deal with it either and I dread when I start thinking too much. It's bad enough having lost interest and desire, adding on guilt on top isn't needed - pain has already been achieved without more being piled on.

I don't think you or anyone else but myself ('cause I'm hypocritical like that) is undeserving of good relationships. Things went wrong and you're not perfect, no one is. Before I left the friend I mentioned I had a quote as my status, "hurt people hurt people." It is very fitting of me. But more generally it does fit, when we're suffering it can be hard to contain it and even unhealthy to do so. Eventually it'll come out, when that's all we're filled with. It's hard when we let it out that we ruin things and hurt ourselves more. But no one is perfect. We're all just struggling in our own ways.

Everyone tells me now that my best bet is to just "move on", work on improving myself, and look towards the future; to stop thinking of this friend I've chased away—but honestly, what is the point? Every day I live in regret and shame over what happened, and the guilt is tearing me up inside. I still WANT to apologize, to try and salvage things between us, or at least find closure... but I know that I can't. And that hurts more than anything, being aware of how much damage you've done and needlessly hurting someone so special because you thought your relationship was in danger of collapsing. Talk about a self-fulfilled prophecy.

I'm just tired of living with the pain now. This happened seven months ago now, and I just don't see a way out from the suffering; the regret will always be with me. Am I selfish for wanting to die now and making my remaining friends—those who haven't also abandoned me since—sad, too? Perhaps. But I think continuing to live, knowing that no one will see you the same anymore because of what you've done, is even worse. There are enough worse people on this planet without me being around to potentially make things worse for better folk, so it's best that I die. My death would be a net positive to the world's health, even if it's just a small benefit.

I want to die. I just want to die. There is nothing left in this life but misery and loneliness, and I just want peace.

It seems impossible to stop thinking about some people and things that have happened, but I will say you can get good at burying thoughts and pushing things away. Just staying busy helps there too, especially if you're forced to be here with no immediate way out. That's where I'm at. Everything seems to come with it's downsides though, since being empty is no way to live either. While you're alive, in some ways you never know what is possible. There could be a chance if you changed and showed improvements that the person might one day want to properly end things, everything happened is probably weighing on them too. You were friends after all, it wasn't all bad. But it's up to you what you want to do going forward, if that's try to improve/change, or even just learn to bury things and move on and see where things go, or anything else. I wish I could say it gets easier, but I'm not sure if it does. For me I've just become more numb and uncaring.

I don't know what's selfish or not. We're trying to spare pain while we would also cause it. And what of the pain we're in?

Same for the last three sentences. I'm sorry you're suffering so much from this, I wish I knew what was best but I don't. I leave others in their best interest, but I know that must hurt them as well. In the end I'm just an awful person now mostly devoid of anything to make life worth living. If you have a will to improve and other things you wish to do or people to be with I'd encourage you to go after them though. Again just from someone who's lost ability to find enjoyment in anything and can thus barely do anything, there is still something to treasure if there are things you want to do and not just vague regrets that circle you while you're living but basically lifeless. If you still have that, then maybe there is something worth salvaging or changing and see where it goes. But I cannot make your decision for you, nor do I know what's best, so they're all just thoughts, take them or leave them as they are most likely as meaningless as I am.

But I don't want to live with the pain—I want it to end! Maybe if there were some way never to see my friend again, it would help me get over them, but we play the same game together and seeing them pass me by like I'm just another faceless stranger hurts so much, especially since I deserve it. These wounds will always open up, keeping me from moving on or even functioning.

I am glad you have kept the memory of your love alive if that helps. I've done the same thing with my friend, cherishing what we once had; I'm sure they don't care to do likewise, and why would they? Why bother remembering anything we've had when it's better to forget I existed. I'm a fucking freak, and I deserve to die.

Perhaps you could take a break from the game? I'm in the different boat in that I cut off all contact, but when I cut ties I do it completely. Honestly, many people couldn't reach me even if they somehow wanted to. I've lost interest in games so I can't relate too much, but I know it can be hard to leave things you enjoy, but perhaps you could focus on other activities or hobbies. I like what @UpandDownPrincess wrote, space probably is necessary. You should give yourself a proper break from it since it is impossible to move on if it's constantly in your face. That's like a form of self torture, and is probably hurting you both.

I don't believe it was all bad memories you had with this friend. I think it's natural once we get closer to people that there won't all be good things to look back on. I'm not the best on this, especially since I'm barely with anyone anymore, but I try not to decide anyone's feelings for them without definite certainty. I'd do it to the friend I left and knew it was toxic. I wouldn't hurt yourself with further, "they wouldn't do this, they feel this ...," aside from what you do know. Admitting you did things wrong is a good starting point. I'm getting off track and just disliking myself for writing too much so I'll try to stop shortly. I don't know what any right answer is. Time can bring numbness, at least, if you let it. Perhaps think more on things and what you really want. It will be painful, but it seems there's a lot going on. You do still seem to have things to do or possibly enjoy, if this specific pain lessened what would happen then? As long as you're around you can explore possibilities and try things, in any case.

I'm sorry once again about everything, it hurts so much to lose anyone important to us, however the loss may have happened. I wish you the best with whatever you may decide to do going forward.

 

[OnlyWinOnce]

OnlyWinOnce-

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join. Thanks for sharing.

I know just what you're talking about. I had some of those same behaviors when I was younger (I am old by forum standards.)

One of the things I learned about in therapy was to reframe some of those behaviors. The kindest thing I can do for those people is not an apology. The kindest thing I can do for them is space. It is what they want and what they need, and if I truly care about them, I will give it to them. I used to view it as an act of love, though now they are just no longer part of my life. It's not that I don't have memories or that I never think of them, but the urge to pick up the phone is gone.

The sad truth is that in a relationship, the one who wants less contact is the one who "wins." It's true for romantic relationships, friendly relationships and even work contacts. Recognizing that truth is one of the things that everyone has to learn. Some of us just get stuck there.

Although it's been seven months, it's still early days. I suspect that the things that irritate you to hear - that time will help, that you are young - are so irritating because they're true, and deep down, you know that. But the only way out of the pain is through it. I wish I could tell you that something, anything will make this all disappear, but you already know that's not how it works.

Please keep talking to us. We're here and glad to listen.

I just hate the thought that this is the end of things between us—that the two years of bonding and closeness we had is just gone. Though they loathed the term, they were my best friend and the closest thing I had to a soulmate. I can't live knowing that I destroyed that relationship so abruptly through such a drastic, terrifying change in behaviour.

Yes, we all make mistakes, and I shouldn't let it bother me since I'm such a good person; I know the drill already. I also know that they're only one person out of billions, and I could easily make more friends—but there is a reason we were so close. I simply will never find that kind of comfort with anyone again. Whatever self-confidence I had is gone now anyway, so making new friends is a struggle, and I'll keep fruitlessly trying to find the one who had the same qualities as my ex-friend.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I just came to say that you (@CommitSudoku and @UpandDownPrincess) are amazing people and gave excellent advices. Even for my situation (slightly different) your advices helped. I can add anything else. It is for these things that I am glad to be part of this forum and it is one of the few things that is holding up the rest of my mental sanity

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, I can imagine that it must be painful and devastating being in that situation. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are so tired. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[symphony]

God, I'm so sorry you have to deal with all that... I know what it's like to feel trapped in unbearable pain. I hope you may find peace.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I just came to say that you (@CommitSudoku and @UpandDownPrincess) are amazing people and gave excellent advices. Even for my situation (slightly different) your advices helped. I can add anything else. It is for these things that I am glad to be part of this forum and it is one of the few things that is holding up the rest of my mental sanity

Just wanted to say thank you to @onlyanimalsaregood for these kind words. It's strange to send all these words out into the ether and wonder if they make a difference.

 

[OnlyWinOnce]

It never ends. The pain never ends.