Venting Tired; In a strange limbo

[irregularreconcile]

Still new here and I've posted a little bit about my situation, but I desperately need to get some shit off my chest I can't do anywhere else.

Just exiting a program recently, I was set up for failure. There was no aid in me recieving housing, or general support for food when I am in severe physical pain/disabled from CPTSD and can't work. Moved several states away because a friend doesn't want me to be street homeless again, and in a safe enviornment I have learned I can't get better. I've tried really hard to express this to the few supports I have around me, but they still have this hope I'll get better. It's not true- It's been well over a decade. I'm exhausted from [literally] fighting.

My situation overall is quite unique, so I'll spare little details. I'm I CTBing anytime soon? No, but it's destined for me in time. Perhaps in the next year or so. I have some art projects I need to finish, and I typically have a plan that involves revisiting my life through journalling/music/old music I enjoyed. This is a lengthy process that will take quite a while.

I need peace and comfort after such a long battle in vain. I think in the next year or two, CTB will be my way of achieving that. It's really inevitable; CTB intentions have never turned off for me since I was 12. My story is exhausting and I think there comes a point where my suffering turned from "survivor" to "too much," but I'm the only one who can see that. I have to SH soon, and nobody understands that is inevitable too, lmao.

I hope you all are doing well today. I'm just quite tired and sad; It's funny... I'm certainly not alone physically in general support now, but for my inevitable future, I think this will only be understood here.

Lots of love <33 Maybe I'll post some art soon or something ^_^

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful and tiring what you've been through, it's certainly such a dreadful existence where people suffer all through no fault of their own, but anyway best wishes, at least to me the only comfort could ever lie in leaving this world, I find the thought of permanent non-existence to be very comforting.

 

[NoWayOut015]

Your line "from survivor to too much" really hit me. I feel like it describes me pretty good as well, I've seen myself as a warrior and person that got stronger through a hard life for a long time but now I'm just tired and full of resignation anymore.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this but it sounds like art projects give you at least some kind of... joy (not sure if that's the right word)?
I hope you're doing okay, considering the circumstances :)

 

[irregularreconcile]

That sounds really awful and tiring what you've been through, it's certainly such a dreadful existence where people suffer all through no fault of their own, but anyway best wishes, at least to me the only comfort could ever lie in leaving this world, I find the thought of permanent non-existence to be very comforting.

Thank you, and I empathise with your last line; The thought of non-existence, at least for me, it's like the only thing I've ever had control of. It feels like a warm hug sometimes :"^) Big hugs to you, too!

Your line "from survivor to too much" really hit me. I feel like it describes me pretty good as well, I've seen myself as a warrior and person that got stronger through a hard life for a long time but now I'm just tired and full of resignation anymore.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this but it sounds like art projects give you at least some kind of... joy (not sure if that's the right word)?
I hope you're doing okay, considering the circumstances :)

Thank you for your sympathy, and you're right! Art projects bring me joy and comfort for a few moments. I'm doing relatively alright at this time, and I hope the same for you <3