TIRED BEYOND BELIEF

[Unattainable666]

I've been on this site for a couple of years. It's saved my life numerous times. It's allowed me to vent without being ostracized and criticized. Oh there are always a few on here (and in the world) who shouldn't be on this site, but you can always ignore them. I'm probably one of the oldest members on here. I want to ctb and have wanted to since I was 15 (now 62). I always thought it would get better, but it gets worse as each day progresses. My life went to hell in a hand basket when my child was murdered (30 years ago). Oh, I know some are probably thinking get over it - that's a long time. But losing a child is not something you can get over. the minute I heard the cops tell me she was gone changed who I was forever. My life since that time has been a shit show. I've made bad choices with my life. I keep thinking it should have been me who died. the guilt is overwhelming I am terrified of attempting to ctb and failing (as I've failed everything in my life). I'm at a point again where I have no hope. People tend to treat people with mental illness so badly. The people I work with are so inhumane and they know my disabilities. Yes, it is a disability. I'm at a point again where I don't want to live in a world that is so cold, where no one cares about anyone other than themselves. My story is long - my mother was a narcissist and destroyed my life. Growing up with her I never had a chance to be "normal." I'm getting close to ctb. The thought of going through another holiday where everyone around me is having family and friends together and yet I am alone. The pain is just too much and I am too old. I just want to leave to be with my little girl. We both loved Christmas so much. My life has no joy, no love, no caring. thank you for listening. Much appreciated.Thank you SS for allowing me to be the real me and allow me to voice my opinions and my feelings.

 

[ropearoundatree]

I'm very terribly sorry to hear of the passing of your Daughter, and under such horrific circumstances, I can't imagine how you've suffered through this tragedy. I'm also sorry to hear of your Wife. I understand everything you say with how you have been ever since then. And it is only understandable, and reasonable, to me. Yes, I do believe you when you say what you do about your co-workers, and how they'd view someone w/a disability... It's unbelievable, really - almost unfathomable; yet, not (when we look at how we function & behave as a society!). . . Sad as that may seem~ // I don't know why people have told you that, it makes no sense, to me--& most certainly does you "no good." (just get over it...)
Yeah, things don't always get better with time. And "time doesn't heal all wounds." More like, 'wounds all heals...' as I believe I'd heard John Lennon once say?
We've all made bad choices. Most of us, without an excuse as good & legitimate as the one you've been dealt.
I'm sorry for your profound guilt. And I know that the Holidays are a tough time. I do like, and am very fond of your profile photo there, though. . . So I believe you've got good taste! Take care, and best wishes.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It seems inhumane to me to even expect someone to get over something like that. People are so insensitive.

I don't like Christmas. I usually spend it alone. I expect we'll all be on here to support one another but I know it's not the same. It must hurt so much around holiday times. I'm sorry.

 

[TapeMachine]

Oh, I know some are probably thinking get over it - that's a long time. But losing a child is not something you can get over. the minute I heard the cops tell me she was gone changed who I was forever.

No, I'm definitely not thinking that you should "get over" the loss of your precious child. I don't care how much time has lapsed- I'd never dream of thinking or saying something so cruel to another person, especially one who is openly grieving such a devastating loss.

I cannot imagine the pain you've been feeling for all of these years.. My heart goes out to you.

Also, my primary reason for postponing my ctb is the guilt I feel, knowing I will forever destroy my parents lives by ending my own. I imagine my mom or dad feeling the way you feel, and it crushes me beyond belief.

I'm hanging on as long as I can, just so they won't have to experience the devastation of having lost another one of their children. (One of my brothers died earlier this year, which you've maybe seen me mention in my other posts.)

I'm at a point again where I don't want to live in a world that is so cold, where no one cares about anyone other than themselves.

This pains me as well. I'm sorry the world has been so apathetic and cold-hearted to you.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

So sorry for what you've been through. You've been through more than I could possibly imagine.
You've suffered enough and deserve peace, and I hope one day soon you find it.

 

[SVEN]

As has been said by another in your situation, "From those who have also lost a child, no words are needed; from those who have not, none are adequate".
I am so sorry.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired of suffering in this existence, it's horrible how people have to suffer so much in this cruel world. But anyway I wish you the best.