WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,429
I think I have decided on the timeframe of my suicide. I plan to catch the bus at the end of September/beginning of October, but could be sooner if I am actually pushed to my breaking point. It is sad that life has bestowed upon me being born the wrong sex, while I have to endure watching people live as the cis-sex I wish I was born as.
People have commented recently the horrors of being female, and while their feelings are valid, it invalidates mine and certainly does not eliminate my dysphoria. People have also keep suggesting for me to transition, but that wouldn't be good enough for me. I can barely live day to day. I definitely cannot endure 5 years of therapy and surgeries only to reach a result that is unsatisfactory to my standards.
My life is pretty empty. I no longer gain any pleasure from my main hobby, thus I have quit it. I barely have the energy to get out of bed, It consists nothing but eat, sleep, sit on the computer and repeat. I am never going to get a job, I am not going to school, I don't have a social life or a relationship, nor do I desire one. There is nothing tying me to this life. I cannot leave the house, listen to my favorite music, watch TV or browse social media without being triggered constantly. Therapy has been a bust so I quit after 11 months, and if I have to take drugs or medication just to live life in a zombified state, that's not really living. It's just existing. There's a big difference between living and existing, and I have only been doing the latter.
I don't want to live with dysphoria or constant jealousy for the rest of my life only to die of old age. It simply is not worth it to me. I just hope I am brave enough to go through with it. I will be spending the next month of my existence planning my final resting place where I can take sn undisturbed at night. Don't know how I am going to tell my family, but I just can't live with this inner turmoil anymore.
I don't want to die. In an ideal world, I would have been born the way I want, but this world isn't ideal for me, so I choose death instead.
People have commented recently the horrors of being female, and while their feelings are valid, it invalidates mine and certainly does not eliminate my dysphoria. People have also keep suggesting for me to transition, but that wouldn't be good enough for me. I can barely live day to day. I definitely cannot endure 5 years of therapy and surgeries only to reach a result that is unsatisfactory to my standards.
My life is pretty empty. I no longer gain any pleasure from my main hobby, thus I have quit it. I barely have the energy to get out of bed, It consists nothing but eat, sleep, sit on the computer and repeat. I am never going to get a job, I am not going to school, I don't have a social life or a relationship, nor do I desire one. There is nothing tying me to this life. I cannot leave the house, listen to my favorite music, watch TV or browse social media without being triggered constantly. Therapy has been a bust so I quit after 11 months, and if I have to take drugs or medication just to live life in a zombified state, that's not really living. It's just existing. There's a big difference between living and existing, and I have only been doing the latter.
I don't want to live with dysphoria or constant jealousy for the rest of my life only to die of old age. It simply is not worth it to me. I just hope I am brave enough to go through with it. I will be spending the next month of my existence planning my final resting place where I can take sn undisturbed at night. Don't know how I am going to tell my family, but I just can't live with this inner turmoil anymore.
I don't want to die. In an ideal world, I would have been born the way I want, but this world isn't ideal for me, so I choose death instead.
