Time to go.....

[TheYounger]

Yeah man. Same here. Been very tired of living this dreadful life.

 

[Hatari]

How ghastly! Sorry your life is so miserable. Let us know what you are going to do please.

Thank you.

Departure date: Friday, 11/13/20.

Method: I believe it's referred to as partial. I intend to hang myself from my bedroom closet door, which is quite strong, and I can tie the rope on one side of the door, close it, and plenty of space to position myself correctly. Planned this last year.

Rehearsals begin next week. Plenty of alone time to plan and practice.

This time, nothing is going to stop me.

 

[Hatari]

Two weeks from today: I leave this world behind.

For good. For real. What I should have done the countless times I wanted to before, only to....not for one reason or another.

Preparation begins this Monday. Rehearsals the following Monday.

 

[Hatari]

Yup, you guessed it, STILL HERE.

I chickened out. I bailed on bailing out.

Why do I keep giving life a chance?

I'm not afraid to die. I'm not afraid to live either, I just know that I do not want to.

So why didn't I go through with it? I wish I knew, I really do.

Maybe trying to exit around the holidays was a bad idea? Perhaps, I used to LOVE the holidays (and not only because Christmas is my birthday) but after this Christmas, I regretted the decision to stick around more than ever.

So, with that, I am back "on track." Let's see if the third time (or 4th, I've lost track) will be the charm.

So what's driven me back to wanting to exit this time?

• Still at the same job, which believe it or not has somewhat stabilized. It's not that bad, and I'm so busy and spend so much time doing IT and marketing that it keeps me busy and my boss seems to like what I do, even if she gets a bit much sometimes.
• Still losing weight, now down to 136 from a near all-time high of 260 or so in late 2018. I eat from time to time but do not have the appetite that I used to, and so much food disagrees with me I'm too scared to eat anyway.
• Health is starting to slip more and more. Asthma-like whatever I have is worse and worse and starting to notice blood in my pee too.
• Still with the same girlfriend, who I am stuck and trapped with owing to the same old same old: my credit is so shitty and my finances are such that I wouldn't get an apartment on my own. Car, phone, it's all in her name owing to the stupidity of my youth. This month is now four full years since we've been intimate in any way, shape or form. She has no interest, and when I bring it up and bring up how bad it makes me feel, I get the same exact story each time: "I'm sorry, I just have no interest. No, I don't know why. I can't explain it, I just don't want to do that anymore." I lost HALF MY FUCKING BODY WEIGHT and she still has no interest. She looks at me, shrugs, and goes back to reading her book or playing on her phone. That's what really gets to me. Knowing it bothers me and still no reaction out of her. We've slept in separate rooms for 2 years now, and nearly broke up this past Monday owing to a massive argument we had over the following:
  • I was upset that she didn't even wish me a happy valentine's day, to say nothing about even one small card. She didn't care.
  • She's so upset that I, on occasion, buy the odd movie or two on iTunes that she thinks I'm using her for her credit.
  • I'm mean because I like things neat and get annoyed when she and her stepson (who is a good kid) makes a mess or forgets to put things away.
  • She refuses to make any effort to even try and be intimate with me. By that I don't mean only sex: she won't even hold my hand, look at me, or kiss me.
  • She spends most of the weekend out "running errands" that I am convinced is actually another man. She denies this, of course, but I've caught her in lies before, so I don't believe this. Such as she shares screenshots of our texts with her cousin that she is close with. Thank you echo show photo album for proving me right on that one.

So, here I am. After Monday's blow up, which ended in the same vow of "yes, I'll work on figuring out why I'm not interested in you" and right back to the same routine.

Monday night's argument killed me, pardon the pun. I feel old, ugly, fat (despite being the thinnest I've been in decades) and completely unwanted and useless.

Sure, I can break up with her and struggle. Sure I can do that, or find some roommates.

I'd rather, for real, make this the time I go where I want to go. To the beyond. To what lies beyond this world.

I'd rather go where my first 3 cats went when they crossed the rainbow bridge, wherever that might be.

I'd rather be out of my misery and with them.

Same plan, same closet door.

Final exit date: Friday, 3/4/21.

I shall plan, practice, rehearse, plan again, and then, when I have the place to myself.......I'll be on my way.

Until then, I shall use this forum as a way to talk to people who GET THIS.

Thanks for reading and bearing with my cowardice.

D

 

[Hatari]

Update:

My journey has been delayed one final week until 3/11/21, work was such that I was so busy fixing some IT-related issues it cut into my planning and rehearsal time, and I would really rather delay a week and get it right than rush through it and get it wrong. There can be no turning back.

Research begins today, and rehearsals begin tomorrow and Monday in earnest. I will then have Tuesday - Friday alone with the place to myself to plan this out right. Have a sturdy closet door I've always had in mind where I can swing the rope over the top of the door, close the door so the rope stays secure, jam the door to the bedroom with a large chair, and have plenty of privacy and time to exit the way I want.

I've given up trying to get through to my GF and I think even she sees that I've stopped trying. She won't even kiss me now unless I ask her to, and even then I get all sorts of "excuses," so I've just shut that off. My focus is on what lies next, not her.

I'm not only ready, I'm excited to go. I want to be reunited with my first 3 cats, and see if I can find the girl that got away that passed away a few years ago.

Will keep you all posted, and feel free to reach out.

D

 

[enuff]

hey man, take all the time you want, practice practice practice. but don't hurt yourself, wear a scarf so you don't get rope burns & visible marks. people will stare. gl on your journey, and give your cats a hug for me.

 

[Hatari]

hey man, take all the time you want, practice practice practice. but don't hurt yourself, wear a scarf so you don't get rope burns & visible marks. people will stare. gl on your journey, and give your cats a hug for me.

Thank you my friend.

 

[grungeCat]

Same here. I wish you good luck!

 

[Thegoldenapples]

Don't push yourself into it. As mentioned above, take all the practice you want and leave when it's time. If you follow through with it, peaceful journey

 

[Hatari]

Update!

All systems go. Sorry to sound a little too NASA, but I did watch that rocket launch this morning, so there ya go.

Had to delay matters yet again owing to my cat, who I know will be in good hands with my GF once I am gone, having an ear infection. I could not leave until I knew he was fully recovered, and it took the better part of a month.

Now that he is well, and I know he will be well cared for, I am fast-tracking my "journey" to next Friday, 4/30.

Rope in place? Check.
Practicing underway? Check.
Are practice sessions going well so far? Check.

Fingers crossed nothing else delays this. It's been TWO YEARS of delays, false starts, false hopes of being free.

This time, nothing is going to stop me.

With a little luck, next Friday I'll be......where my first 3 dearly missed cats are. Where the girl that got away is.

Please reach out for support, advice, to chat, anything you need in the next week. Happy to help!

 

[Cleopatra123]

Update!

All systems go. Sorry to sound a little too NASA, but I did watch that rocket launch this morning, so there ya go.

Had to delay matters yet again owing to my cat, who I know will be in good hands with my GF once I am gone, having an ear infection. I could not leave until I knew he was fully recovered, and it took the better part of a month.

Now that he is well, and I know he will be well cared for, I am fast-tracking my "journey" to next Friday, 4/30.

Rope in place? Check.
Practicing underway? Check.
Are practice sessions going well so far? Check.

Fingers crossed nothing else delays this. It's been TWO YEARS of delays, false starts, false hopes of being free.

This time, nothing is going to stop me.

With a little luck, next Friday I'll be......where my first 3 dearly missed cats are. Where the girl that got away is.

Please reach out for support, advice, to chat, anything you need in the next week. Happy to help!

Best wishes to you, and peace. Cleo

 

[FuneralCry]

I can see that you have suffered a lot. I hope you find peace and I wish you the best.

 

[WornOutLife]

Update!

All systems go. Sorry to sound a little too NASA, but I did watch that rocket launch this morning, so there ya go.

Had to delay matters yet again owing to my cat, who I know will be in good hands with my GF once I am gone, having an ear infection. I could not leave until I knew he was fully recovered, and it took the better part of a month.

Now that he is well, and I know he will be well cared for, I am fast-tracking my "journey" to next Friday, 4/30.

Rope in place? Check.
Practicing underway? Check.
Are practice sessions going well so far? Check.

Fingers crossed nothing else delays this. It's been TWO YEARS of delays, false starts, false hopes of being free.

This time, nothing is going to stop me.

With a little luck, next Friday I'll be......where my first 3 dearly missed cats are. Where the girl that got away is.

Please reach out for support, advice, to chat, anything you need in the next week. Happy to help!

It's nice to see you're still with us even though I know you're probably in a lot of pain.

Whatever happens, I wish you lots of love and peace.