Venting Tied down by a friend

[Phantom]

I'm somewhat suicidal due to not feeling like I'm fit for this world and I want to escape before anything worse escalates. I often stall and get stuck due to overwhelming anxiety and can't think straight for various reasons. I hate myself even for minor mistakes and overall I just feel too weak for this world.

Usually I have trouble relating to people and don't really feel like their existence restricts my right to death etc. I don't have a lot of friends, only fellow students and old buddies I'll greet if I happen to walk past them.
However I've had this one extremely good friend for a year now. Her wellbeing really means a world to me, and (as far as I know) it's mutual. She knows I'm suicidal and have trouble dealing with myself.

At this point, even considering death makes me physically sick and hurts a lot. I really don't want to do it to her, but my wish for relief, for escape, has not moved away, and even with her support I can't carry my own weight. It has actually turned more constant.

Is anyone else in a similar position, or come up with a solution. Feel free to write anything that comes to mind.

PS. Sorry for clunky text

 

[RoloTomasi]

I can somehow relate to this. It's really admirable that you really care for her well being despite your situation.You can hold off on ctb'ng and live for this person. But this mustn't be your only reason for doing so, you must also be able to carry on living for yourself too. Sorry if I sound preachy, but I'm kind of in a same situation, and I'm having trouble with the living for myself part.

 

[ephemeral]

Attachements are the source of future suffering.

We leave behind the good with the bad.