PrettyPotato
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- Dec 11, 2023
- 117
I've not been on the site for long, but if anyone has been following along with my previous updates (highly unlikely !) I'm now decisively ready to check out on ... Monday 15th, just over a week away.
I thought I'd be somewhat excited, but I'm not at all. I'd have been perfectly happy to stick around for longer if circumstances were vastly different (mostly ones to do with physics and not aging unfortunately!) so none of this is a moment of excitement for me. Mostly just nervous in case something unexpected happens.
My original plan was to go ahead this coming Monday, but frankly I've definitely been suffering a bit from ctbp recently (that's ctb procrastination...). 100% it's SI kicking in of course, but I hope that's mostly under control now. The reptilian brain chunk is pretty stupid, but if one writes out the pros and cons of life enough times I think it finally gets with the program.
Brief recap on my situ btw - I pretty much ran away to ctb in a tropical paradise at the start of December, with the intention of never setting foot in my home country ever again. That's all gone swimmingly well, and I'm currently staying in a beautiful suite in one of the world's most famous hotels, and am working my way through as many michelin restaurants as I can locate (yes you're welcome to hate me lol)
I got all my sn materials through a few days ago, and have tied up all loose ends so thought I was all good to go, but today I 'decided' there's no real harm in another week here. Yeah, I know that it's absolutely idiotic, and there's no point in dragging things out, but.... SI 1, Me 0.
I did think I was pretty in control of my emotions before all of this, but it's surprisingly hard to just switch off completely. I've wanted to not be on the planet for years, but it surprised me how much of a massive leap it is from that depressive mindset to being in the mental space necessary to go ahead with practical ctb. I don't even believe in an afterlife so I can't imagine how much anguish that final part causes to people that do believe there's something afterward.
For those not aware by the way, the 15th is the third Monday in January. It has been scientifically proven to be the worst day of the year (really, there's an algorithm) so it seemed highly appropriate. Maybe it could be unofficial SaSu day! Or perhaps ctb should be on the day *before* the Monday so that one doesn't have to suffer the worst day of the year?
As a side note, the one thing I do feel mean about is carrying it out in the hotel - the staff know me by name and are so freaking cheerful! It really is likely to be one of the worst days of the year for them isn't it :/ At least when they find me I guess I'll hopefully just be a weird blue smurf rather than anything more gruesome.
I'm happy to go into methods etc if anyone wants to, but it's pretty much the textbook sn approach, but I'm using 2x LDLo - ie ((71mg x body weight in kg) *2) - as aside from anything else I'm not sure I'd be able to handle 25g. I do need to test the AEs this weekend however to make sure I don't have any weird reaction to them. Thought I could try and locate some Japanese natto - if I can not throw up after eating that stuff then the AEs definitely work
I thought I'd be somewhat excited, but I'm not at all. I'd have been perfectly happy to stick around for longer if circumstances were vastly different (mostly ones to do with physics and not aging unfortunately!) so none of this is a moment of excitement for me. Mostly just nervous in case something unexpected happens.
My original plan was to go ahead this coming Monday, but frankly I've definitely been suffering a bit from ctbp recently (that's ctb procrastination...). 100% it's SI kicking in of course, but I hope that's mostly under control now. The reptilian brain chunk is pretty stupid, but if one writes out the pros and cons of life enough times I think it finally gets with the program.
Brief recap on my situ btw - I pretty much ran away to ctb in a tropical paradise at the start of December, with the intention of never setting foot in my home country ever again. That's all gone swimmingly well, and I'm currently staying in a beautiful suite in one of the world's most famous hotels, and am working my way through as many michelin restaurants as I can locate (yes you're welcome to hate me lol)
I got all my sn materials through a few days ago, and have tied up all loose ends so thought I was all good to go, but today I 'decided' there's no real harm in another week here. Yeah, I know that it's absolutely idiotic, and there's no point in dragging things out, but.... SI 1, Me 0.
I did think I was pretty in control of my emotions before all of this, but it's surprisingly hard to just switch off completely. I've wanted to not be on the planet for years, but it surprised me how much of a massive leap it is from that depressive mindset to being in the mental space necessary to go ahead with practical ctb. I don't even believe in an afterlife so I can't imagine how much anguish that final part causes to people that do believe there's something afterward.
For those not aware by the way, the 15th is the third Monday in January. It has been scientifically proven to be the worst day of the year (really, there's an algorithm) so it seemed highly appropriate. Maybe it could be unofficial SaSu day! Or perhaps ctb should be on the day *before* the Monday so that one doesn't have to suffer the worst day of the year?
As a side note, the one thing I do feel mean about is carrying it out in the hotel - the staff know me by name and are so freaking cheerful! It really is likely to be one of the worst days of the year for them isn't it :/ At least when they find me I guess I'll hopefully just be a weird blue smurf rather than anything more gruesome.
I'm happy to go into methods etc if anyone wants to, but it's pretty much the textbook sn approach, but I'm using 2x LDLo - ie ((71mg x body weight in kg) *2) - as aside from anything else I'm not sure I'd be able to handle 25g. I do need to test the AEs this weekend however to make sure I don't have any weird reaction to them. Thought I could try and locate some Japanese natto - if I can not throw up after eating that stuff then the AEs definitely work
