Malpercio
Member
- Mar 28, 2023
- 15
Hello everyone! I have been lurking a bit and decided to register here to get some more information and talk with like-minded people.
So, I'm a 29m living in Germany, originally from the Netherlands and I've been struggling with depression since I was a teenager. It all started when my mother was starting to, in my experience, hate me. She herself was diagnosed with post natal depression. My father once told me when i was a little older that a therapist told him that, without knowing, she blames me for her mental disorders.
Me and my mother have always been fighting, not physically, but very loudly and in mentally damaging ways. She always blamed me for all kinds of situations and it even got so far that I had to go to a "emergency family" because of a scuffle we had. I was 14/15 at the time. I got so angry about the plain unfairness of this, because she was the one always yelling at me and being angry for no reason that I fled that home right away and walked back to my parent's house to try and get back in. I just wanted to chill in my room. She wouldn't let me and I was getting more and more angry and felt so left alone. Eventually she would let me in, but because of me being so angry and all she felt "scared" (she later explained). She got a construction worker from the house that was being constructed next to ours into our house for "safety". The man which I did not know started to touch me and didn't let me get upstairs to my room, so at one point I just threw him off of me on the floor. With that motion I fell onto him and apparently bruised his ribs.
Now my mother called the cops on me, while I was chilling in my room, just to get me out of the house. The cops at some point banged on the door of my room, but I, still crying and all, wouldn't let them in. They then slammed in the door, pepper sprayed me, put me in cuffs and dragged me outside. They would later bring me to a clinic for troubled youth. I didn't fit in there at all, because I'm a very calm and intelligent type of guy. The only one who I ever had to yell at like this was my mother. My mother was the only one who I ever had these kinds of fights with. No one besides my direct family would even consider that this was going on because of my calmness.
After getting out of the clinic after a few weeks it seemed to get a bit better, but because I started smoking weed she was still hating my guts. When I got 18 I got kicked out of the house, which I was not ready at all for at the time and my drug abuse got worse and worse. Since these times I've been been so depressed. I'm now 29 and I recently quit abusing drugs under the pretense that that was the cause of my depression , but I wouldn't say that it cured it in the way people think.
I'm now in a depressive stage that isn't like the one when I was abusing drugs. While using to be very sad all the time for about a season and then my mood would shift to i think average. Now I'm just a clean guy of whom nobody would expect what I'm really thinking, being able to pretend being happy.
Now to the CTB part. I had mixed feelings about CTB, but I always held it for a serious option. I once thought about using CO, but I'm not very informed about it and if I do it I want to do it right. I think I want to do it after my dad dies, because he is the only family member I really really care about. I couldn't make him lose his son. The rest of my family I don't really care about.
Well, I just wanted to get this off my chest. I hope I'm not bothering anyone my story. If possible, could someone send me link to IC just in case? If other people have tips for other good methods or have questions, feel free to help.
So, I'm a 29m living in Germany, originally from the Netherlands and I've been struggling with depression since I was a teenager. It all started when my mother was starting to, in my experience, hate me. She herself was diagnosed with post natal depression. My father once told me when i was a little older that a therapist told him that, without knowing, she blames me for her mental disorders.
Me and my mother have always been fighting, not physically, but very loudly and in mentally damaging ways. She always blamed me for all kinds of situations and it even got so far that I had to go to a "emergency family" because of a scuffle we had. I was 14/15 at the time. I got so angry about the plain unfairness of this, because she was the one always yelling at me and being angry for no reason that I fled that home right away and walked back to my parent's house to try and get back in. I just wanted to chill in my room. She wouldn't let me and I was getting more and more angry and felt so left alone. Eventually she would let me in, but because of me being so angry and all she felt "scared" (she later explained). She got a construction worker from the house that was being constructed next to ours into our house for "safety". The man which I did not know started to touch me and didn't let me get upstairs to my room, so at one point I just threw him off of me on the floor. With that motion I fell onto him and apparently bruised his ribs.
Now my mother called the cops on me, while I was chilling in my room, just to get me out of the house. The cops at some point banged on the door of my room, but I, still crying and all, wouldn't let them in. They then slammed in the door, pepper sprayed me, put me in cuffs and dragged me outside. They would later bring me to a clinic for troubled youth. I didn't fit in there at all, because I'm a very calm and intelligent type of guy. The only one who I ever had to yell at like this was my mother. My mother was the only one who I ever had these kinds of fights with. No one besides my direct family would even consider that this was going on because of my calmness.
After getting out of the clinic after a few weeks it seemed to get a bit better, but because I started smoking weed she was still hating my guts. When I got 18 I got kicked out of the house, which I was not ready at all for at the time and my drug abuse got worse and worse. Since these times I've been been so depressed. I'm now 29 and I recently quit abusing drugs under the pretense that that was the cause of my depression , but I wouldn't say that it cured it in the way people think.
I'm now in a depressive stage that isn't like the one when I was abusing drugs. While using to be very sad all the time for about a season and then my mood would shift to i think average. Now I'm just a clean guy of whom nobody would expect what I'm really thinking, being able to pretend being happy.
Now to the CTB part. I had mixed feelings about CTB, but I always held it for a serious option. I once thought about using CO, but I'm not very informed about it and if I do it I want to do it right. I think I want to do it after my dad dies, because he is the only family member I really really care about. I couldn't make him lose his son. The rest of my family I don't really care about.
Well, I just wanted to get this off my chest. I hope I'm not bothering anyone my story. If possible, could someone send me link to IC just in case? If other people have tips for other good methods or have questions, feel free to help.
