JassieDusk
To exist is to stand within reach of suffering
- Oct 5, 2025
- 124
I still did not completely decide when or if I will be catching the bus in the near future, but I am sure I will be alive for at least until the start of the next year, unless nature works in my favour and I get hit by a bus or something lol (which I doubt since ive never been that lucky). I didnt even find a trusted source from which I could order SN from in my country (serbia), but thats something I can work later on, I have plenty of time and dont want my suicide to be impulsive anyway.
Lets start from the beginning. I live alone in a foreign city and live and work in a motel, the buisness owners treat me in a very caring and respecting manner and one of my main goals is to cause minimal chaos for them and avoid being a bad memory for every person in the motel who really welcomed me with open arms. I should also note that this is the only attempt I got, so if I fail I dont really have a place to go. I have no family I could go to and staying in the motel after causing chaos would be impossible. So I have to pay good attention I dont f- this up somehow, I dont want to make my situation worse, if thats even possible.
I will CTB in a different motel a few km away from the one I am currently in. I can make up a story about going to another city for a day or two to have an excuse to dissapear.
After consuming anti-emetics and ibuprofen before midnight, I will prepare my SN and consume it around or after midnight, so I have enough time to CTB before I get discovered by the hotel workers. I know its very cruel to let someone innocent discover my body, I am a motel worker myself and would want to avoid any damage possible done to anyone. But unfortunetly I dont have any risk free solution in mind. Sending a timed message to the police seems unreliable, and I cant afford to take not even the smallest risk in my situation.
Now lets talk about the letters. I was thinking to leave the farewell letters to my mother and sibling in my room of the motel I live in right now, and my ID and a letter with the phone number of my boss for the police to find in the motel I will CTB in, to contact and inform him about my death, so when they will be emptying my room they will find the letters with the names and address and mail them to my mother, friends and sibling.
Another idea that I had was to leave all those letters next to my body to be found, in the motel I plan to die in.
I really dont know what to do and I am stuck in between. I want this to be over forever and never have to deal with being awake ever again. It is the existing that is choking me, the waking up every day processing the fact that I have to live (aka survive) a whole ass day before I can sleep and be unconsious again. Its draining every atom of air from my lungs and the only way I could survive somehow without agony THAT extreme, is to stay in my bed all the time and sleep as much as possibe, and deal with being consious with sedatives and sleeping pills. But that will never be possible.
On the other hand theres this one tiny thought in the back of my mind, which is the only part of my being which doesnt actually want to commit. But continuing this torturous existence full of fear and agony comes with too many risks. One of the risks is getting tortured even worse.
Every time I think that my brain cannot come up with worse types of torture, I get proved so wrong lol.
The truth is, when youre this deep - it does not get any better. It either stays the same or gets worse.
The sooner I learn to accept this ugly truth, I will be ready to let go and search for peace.
Lets start from the beginning. I live alone in a foreign city and live and work in a motel, the buisness owners treat me in a very caring and respecting manner and one of my main goals is to cause minimal chaos for them and avoid being a bad memory for every person in the motel who really welcomed me with open arms. I should also note that this is the only attempt I got, so if I fail I dont really have a place to go. I have no family I could go to and staying in the motel after causing chaos would be impossible. So I have to pay good attention I dont f- this up somehow, I dont want to make my situation worse, if thats even possible.
I will CTB in a different motel a few km away from the one I am currently in. I can make up a story about going to another city for a day or two to have an excuse to dissapear.
After consuming anti-emetics and ibuprofen before midnight, I will prepare my SN and consume it around or after midnight, so I have enough time to CTB before I get discovered by the hotel workers. I know its very cruel to let someone innocent discover my body, I am a motel worker myself and would want to avoid any damage possible done to anyone. But unfortunetly I dont have any risk free solution in mind. Sending a timed message to the police seems unreliable, and I cant afford to take not even the smallest risk in my situation.
Now lets talk about the letters. I was thinking to leave the farewell letters to my mother and sibling in my room of the motel I live in right now, and my ID and a letter with the phone number of my boss for the police to find in the motel I will CTB in, to contact and inform him about my death, so when they will be emptying my room they will find the letters with the names and address and mail them to my mother, friends and sibling.
Another idea that I had was to leave all those letters next to my body to be found, in the motel I plan to die in.
I really dont know what to do and I am stuck in between. I want this to be over forever and never have to deal with being awake ever again. It is the existing that is choking me, the waking up every day processing the fact that I have to live (aka survive) a whole ass day before I can sleep and be unconsious again. Its draining every atom of air from my lungs and the only way I could survive somehow without agony THAT extreme, is to stay in my bed all the time and sleep as much as possibe, and deal with being consious with sedatives and sleeping pills. But that will never be possible.
On the other hand theres this one tiny thought in the back of my mind, which is the only part of my being which doesnt actually want to commit. But continuing this torturous existence full of fear and agony comes with too many risks. One of the risks is getting tortured even worse.
Every time I think that my brain cannot come up with worse types of torture, I get proved so wrong lol.
The truth is, when youre this deep - it does not get any better. It either stays the same or gets worse.
The sooner I learn to accept this ugly truth, I will be ready to let go and search for peace.
