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freedom is a dream that is just out of reach
Apr 25, 2023
(this is gonna be really scattered)

ive just been thinking about how life comes and goes as does everything else
(my best friend left me yesterday lol)
but i'm hoping she'll come back cuz even though she was usually incredibly toxic she was the only thing that was a constant in my life. i dont know what to do right now and it's a miracle im not dead. i think. or maybe people would like me better that way. i dont know yet

ive been thinking about death a lot too
our perspectives of things are always changing all the time. it's so interesting to have a thousand different opinions all at the same time about the same topic. and our perspectives change over a second, a day. years.
i think it would be interesting to go back in time and see our past behaviors or moods or just how we looked (pictures dont show everything)

when i was 4, my great grandmother died. at her funeral, i saw barely anyone crying, and my great grandma still looked as beautiful as she always had. so i thought death was a wonderful thing to happen. when i was a little older, i had more funerals, more crying, and i thought "this sucks." when i turned around 13, i thought death was a job that had to be done when things went wrong (suicidal) . now, i'm back to when i was four, where death is a beautiful thing that will happen one day for me.

sometimes though i just feel as though i don't want this, i don't want this mental and physical pain that plagues me and will always until i decide it to be over. i want to live and laugh and love and make some friends and go to parties and get a stable job and not be sad three quarters of the day and actually be able and ready to get out of bed in the morning. is that so wrong?

now, my question to you: what do you do, if you have those sort of moods, to bring you up? how do you make yourself feel happy, if only for a brief moment?

um, for me i would have to say it's music.my father always said i listened to music way too much, and that's cause it makes me feel. i was an earbud/headphone hoarder for a while. i liked writing music, but i could never find the words, but it made me happy. i played a couple of instruments and that made me happy. i dont play too much anymore though, and it's really disappointing, but when i do, i gotta say, i feel like i'm in a place that i can call home and feel safe. have an outlet for the negativity and am able to bring, even if it's only a little bit, of positivity.

positivity was always my goal as a kid, whether it be for myself or others (mainly others i suppose). i want to have that more

looking back at this post, it doesn't make any sense. but if you can follow even a little bit, thanks for reading, everyone on here means the world to me.
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Reactions: golta, vampire2002, LoiteringClouds and 1 other person