Venting thoughts aren't going away

[catscradle]

normally my suicidality comes and goes. I'll hey extremely depressed for a week or so, then come back to normal. but it's been about a month and a half and it's just getting worse and not going away.

I think it's because I finally decided on a "method' (SN). My boyfriend goes to bed much later than I do. I could take it and die and it's be like I died in my sleep. I also told my therapist that I wouldn't do anything until everything for my job was set (right now is a busy time), and it should all be okay by the middle of September. maybeit's time? after 15 years of wanting to die maybe my bus is finally coming

 

[RealHumanBean]

I've never heard of someone suicidal giving a shit about what happens at work. It sounds like you've still got a connection to it. I'm not gonna be one of those people to be like "noooo don't do it!" because I understand what it feels like; I just wanna know why this time has you convinced it's not going away? Might it just be a longer episode than normal?

 

[catscradle]

I've never heard of someone suicidal giving a shit about what happens at work. It sounds like you've still got a connection to it. I'm not gonna be one of those people to be like "noooo don't do it!" because I understand what it feels like; I just wanna know why this time has you convinced it's not going away? Might it just be a longer episode than normal?

you have a point. I currently work in social services, so right now I'm setting up things so the clients can have the support they need. but once I'm done with the initial stuff, it's all easily transferrable so I can peace out and not be a burden. I've been a burden my entire life, I don't want to die one.

I think this is different because I know how I would. before it's all been vague, "what if?" because I knew anything I had access to had a high fail rate. but now I know how to do it safely (haha) and it just seems like it might be time.

 

[foxdie]

If the desire to ctb ever "goes away" that is a positive sign I think. I have just been in a death spiral lately, if it went away I think I could do something. I don't know... All of our lives are such a struggle on SS

 

[RealHumanBean]

That's extremely admirable. You're spending your energy to help others

I want you to remember to put yourself first sometimes. Whether that means ending your suffering or spending some of the energy you use for work on yourself instead, I just want minimal suffering for you.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I currently work in social services, so right now I'm setting up things so the clients can have the support they need. but once I'm done with the initial stuff, it's all easily transferrable so I can peace out and not be a burden. I've been a burden my entire life, I don't want to die one.

Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but how can you say you've been a burden your entire life, when you're working in social services and you can't even leave this life right away without setting things in place for people to cope with your absence? To me it seems like solid proof that not only are you not a burden, but you are an important, helpful person that is doing a lot of good and is going to be deeply missed. Please, think about it.

 

[sideswipe84]

Feelings of being a burden are hard to bear, it really feels like no matter what we do we will not live up to expectations from others. I say this because I have doubted myself my whole life, despite being told by the ones who are important to me that my doubts are unfounded.
then in the other hand, I know I have caused a lot of misery for others, and to make it harder to bear, those who I claim to care about were the ones who got hurt the most.
Please excuse me if this isn't helpful or untrack.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I've never heard of someone suicidal giving a shit about what happens at work.

I get it. When you have people counting on you, sometimes you want to ensure things are in place for them. When I was teaching and feeling suicidal, I always figured I'd do it after a semester finished.