Venting september and its bittersweetness

[kiki <3]

it's evening where i am, the quiet witching time as you will. all by myself. i can't stop pacing around my apartment. i have no desire to do anything but move in circles. i need my cigarettes but i have no energy to get out of the building. the shop is only 2 minutes away it's hilarious really. all i can think about is how lonely and heartbroken i am. no one to give my love to. usually i do not let being touch starved get to me too much but tonight i feel like it is suffocating me. i was on my balcony and i said out loud… i could do it if i wanted to, it's tall enough. i used to have nightmares where i could see myself on the ground from a third perspective, blood and guts everywhere. but i also want to love and care for someone, and be loved and cared for back. what if one day i finally have someone i can come back home to, what if, what if, what if. i can't listen to music either, all my focus is on the wind. games and movies are also out of the picture.

september is the dark and sage misruler of a kingdom where days and nights are the same. everything is arrogantly wet even under the sun. i love you september but i always forget how cruel you can be.

 

[Gangrel]

I relate a lot to it, i live in a one house floor and i look around for suspensions points where i can hang myself. I see my body there lifeless and disgusting. On the door knob, on the metal bar inside the wardrobe, on the tree outside, on the shower, on the window railings. I tried it before and i could do it again if i find the energy and courage, yet my body says no, my hand physically aches when i try to touch the rope. My focus is non existent, can't work, can't find anything fun, just here looking around for the past months, i would call it hell but it's more like a limbo.

 

[kiki <3]

I relate a lot to it, i live in a one house floor and i look around for suspensions points where i can hang myself. I see my body there lifeless and disgusting. On the door knob, on the metal bar inside the wardrobe, on the tree outside, on the shower, on the window railings. I tried it before and i could do it again if i find the energy and courage, yet my body says no, my hand physically aches when i try to touch the rope. My focus is non existent, can't work, can't find anything fun, just here looking around for the past months, i would call it hell but it's more like a limbo.

i feel you friend, i am in the same place. i wish someone could do it for me but then i think how pathetic that is, not to mention i would never in a million years want to carry that guilt. i really wish it was easier.