I thought that having a "peaceful pill" in my possession would alleviate my anxiety and worry in the face of adversity, but no..."Flight or fight" still kicking into high gear, along with the physical manifestations of stress, like jaw tension and teeth grinding (my poor front tooth is chipping away from jaw spasms).
Dealing with constant tension at this temp job, which started out fine until a sudden management shift made the whole office tense, and had me planning my exit for weeks now, calculating how much money I have left before I'd be compelled to CTBd. (I was trying to roll with it, until this week, thanks to a troublemaking co-worker and a new supervisor who's making everything chaotic and uncertain and uncomfortable for everyone, to the point where she was even compelled to apologize after people complained, but not without implying that "she didn't know who made the complaint, and didn't want to", hint-hint.) I finally decided to reach out to my temp agency after my ever-changing task list was amended to include heavy lifting, which was not part of the original deal, and something I wouldn't have agreed to originally because of back issues, which is why I'm working a desk job to begin with. (And the agency rep confirmed that it wasn't part of the agreement...)
But even knowing that they had my back (no pun intended, but hah), I'm still stressed about it (and I didn't bring it up to her yet, as the manager wasn't there, and just being in this person's presence was enough to have me almost break out in hives. (She kept hovering around my desk for the last hour of the day, and I could feel my blood pressure rise, my ears literally turning red.) I thought having a quick and painless way to CTB, and even a tentative CTB date soon would make me less anxious about dealing with this stuff, but it hasn't. Part of it it is mental, but I think most of it is ingrained physical reactions that I just can't turn off, have never been able to, and have to constantly fight against just to maintain balance. which wears me out more than the work itself. (Besides the heavy lifting, it's not really the work itself; it's the social aspect of it, and this new supervisor, even with the benefit of the doubt, is aggravating my Aspergerish side. ( I just wanted a low-key temp job to tide me over, which it was, until she came on and created chaos for everyone).
Long story short: just having the peaceful means to CBT on-hand does not necessarily translate into peaceful nerves in the meantime. All it does is remind me of why I want to CTB in the first place.
Dealing with constant tension at this temp job, which started out fine until a sudden management shift made the whole office tense, and had me planning my exit for weeks now, calculating how much money I have left before I'd be compelled to CTBd. (I was trying to roll with it, until this week, thanks to a troublemaking co-worker and a new supervisor who's making everything chaotic and uncertain and uncomfortable for everyone, to the point where she was even compelled to apologize after people complained, but not without implying that "she didn't know who made the complaint, and didn't want to", hint-hint.) I finally decided to reach out to my temp agency after my ever-changing task list was amended to include heavy lifting, which was not part of the original deal, and something I wouldn't have agreed to originally because of back issues, which is why I'm working a desk job to begin with. (And the agency rep confirmed that it wasn't part of the agreement...)
But even knowing that they had my back (no pun intended, but hah), I'm still stressed about it (and I didn't bring it up to her yet, as the manager wasn't there, and just being in this person's presence was enough to have me almost break out in hives. (She kept hovering around my desk for the last hour of the day, and I could feel my blood pressure rise, my ears literally turning red.) I thought having a quick and painless way to CTB, and even a tentative CTB date soon would make me less anxious about dealing with this stuff, but it hasn't. Part of it it is mental, but I think most of it is ingrained physical reactions that I just can't turn off, have never been able to, and have to constantly fight against just to maintain balance. which wears me out more than the work itself. (Besides the heavy lifting, it's not really the work itself; it's the social aspect of it, and this new supervisor, even with the benefit of the doubt, is aggravating my Aspergerish side. ( I just wanted a low-key temp job to tide me over, which it was, until she came on and created chaos for everyone).
Long story short: just having the peaceful means to CBT on-hand does not necessarily translate into peaceful nerves in the meantime. All it does is remind me of why I want to CTB in the first place.
