Venting Thought-dump vent on leaving partner to CTB, and then a sudden realization that my CTB will only improve his life.

[letsnotmakeittoo22]

I'm quite emotional right now. In all honesty. I sit here writing this in the dark, on my bed, beside the most loving man I have ever been graced to know, and our two amazing dogs.

Within the last few months, and especially following a recent traumatic event of getting attacked by a group of men ( I am a woman ) on the way home from the bar with a friend, I feel my CTB date is sooner than ever. And furthermore, I feel my next attempt, will be my most methodical, planned out attempt I've ever had; and that is to say, my next attempt is likely to be lethal if I use the plan I'm currently brewing in my mind.


Knowing that I must CTB, I'm devastated. I never expected to fall in love, I never expected to even make this far in life. I never thought to see past 13. Then 16, then 18. And life happened and during one of my better mental states. I found the love of my life.

The reason I have made it to 23. But I just can't go any longer. I can't feel this way. I can't bear to see how my depression affects him. Worries him. And affects our lives. Long story short, around two years ago, following another long winded set of incredibly traumatic experiences we faced together as a couple ( miscarriage and pregnancy termination), my mental really began to take a downward ( I think I actually made this account around the same time ), and our shared living space is gone to shit. Manly thanks to me. Me to know that I've allowed our living situation to get this bad. I hate myself so fucking much.

My short term goal, before CTB, is making sure everything is spic and span and clean for him and our doggies. And then pretty much as soon as that done, making my arrangements to CTB.

I guess this just is a vent and I'm sorry if it's long-winded, however, the question post in the title is still one I would love answers to.



Maybe this is just a rant I don't even know I can't think straight anymore

I did my best to type this. I don't have glasses on currently, my eyes are not only blurry in general, but they are especially blurry as I'm crying as I write this so if there's any spelling mistakes, I apologize. If you read this all, thank you


Edit: as I thought about it more just know. Maybe he will be happier when I'm gone. Maybe not at first, but in a " when one door shuts, another opens " type of way. Maybe. And no, Its not maybe, I think surely, surely indeed, he ( even if he's sad at first ) will realize life without me is significantly better, and will than thrive exponentially, he will have realized I truly was a worthless person all along, and he will move on to bigger and better pastures, and he will be happy, and he will find a beautiful woman, who will love my puppies better than a sad sack of shit like me ever could. I take solace in that.

 

[booplesnoot34]

I feel that. I've told my partners the same thing. They will be better off without me. First they'll be devastated, then relieved, then horrified about feeling relief, angry with themselves, and finally move on, realizing they are happier and freer. I've explained this so that the process can speed up.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I feel the same way. My partner would be better off without me 110%. He would be sad for a little while but move on quickly. We are older, me 57 and him 63. He has his 3 grown children and first grand baby on the way. Plus I left him a lot of $ in my will..lol.
He'll be just fine, actually I think better than fine.