Those so-called tribute threads look suspiciously like attention seeking by the living

[nitrogen]

Several tribute threads that popped up lately look just like delegated goodbye threads that go like this:
XXX just CTBed, I had the honor to be with her/him during their last moments. YYY was the method.
Here are the problems (legal, medical, family, relationship, etc) they had in their life and the reasons why they CTBed (sometimes inaccurate and get corrected or complemented by other members).
XXX was a beautiful soul, blah blah blah.
May XXX rest in peace and will be remembered, Blah Blah.

Replies to such threads look awfully similar to those posted on typical goodbye threads with "you" being replaced by "he" or "she". The OPs get a generous shower of reaction scores and cement their image of being trusted figures on this forum.

It makes me wonder if somebody wants to make their death known, why not write their own goodbye threads where they can describe their lives the best, present themselves the way they want, and directly give their online friends a chance to say goodbye?

To OPs of tribute threads:
Unless the recently deceased members explicitly asked you or told you it's ok to reveal the details of their personal lives, I don't think it's appropriate to assume you can take the liberty to reveal their privacy and announce their passing in such a public place. People don't want a goodbye thread for many different reasons, including not want to be talked and inquired about by a bunch of semi-strangers after death. If you weren't explicitly given permission, then I suspect you use their deaths to boost your own popularity and influence on this forum.

Of course, OPs of such threads can easily lie about being asked to post tribute threads so they can shut anybody up who questions their intentions.

A forum like this attracts emotional vampires and attention seekers. Beware.

 

[MissingIt]

If you weren't explicitly given permission, then I suspect you use their deaths to boost your own popularity and influence on this forum.

What is the point of boosting your own popularity and influence on a forum where many of its members don't even stick around for long? I have a hard time believing anyone cares about some number that occasionally goes up next to their name, let alone other people caring about some number that goes up next to someone else's name. I'm pretty sure I'm not a sociopath though, so maybe I just don't get the appeal of completely irrelevant internet points.

 

[Darkhaven]

I kind of agree.
Some people have taken this website´s ranking system too seriously it seems. These threads normally generate a good amount of likes and reactions, i wonder if people create them to become popular around the site????
I also wonder if the deceased would want to be talked about weeks, months, in some cases even years after being dead?
For a forum/site such as this one, it would, probably, be more appropriate for everyone to have the same ranks and username´s color and absolutely no likes, at least showed publicly. Only the usernames could be used to differentiate the users. That way all the doubts would be solved. Those only looking for attention-seeking would probably go away.
I have also heard some pro lifers on facebook saying how "the site has ways to get it´s members addicted and absorbed by it". I´m not sure if they were refering to the likes and different ranks and "levels" but it would be one less thing for them to throw back at us.

 

[Epsilon0]

The best way to deal with any threads that seem disingenuous is to simply not reply.

The problem is there is no objective way to establish who is honest.

Since we are all perfect strangers we could all be lying through our teeth and noone would ever know.

These are the rules of the game we are playing. Place your bets everybody!

Ps: To quote @Underscore : All regular members can do is watch out for one other.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's true, you can never be certain. But I still trust my instincts to see the difference between a genuine tribute from someone that cared and a disingenuous and formulaic tribute thread. Maybe I'm wrong but my instincts are all I have.

 

[Epsilon0]

I would like to add a post scriptum:

The like function is a perfect symbol of all that is wrong in this superficial modern world. I wish it were disabled.

 

[MissingIt]

I would like to add a post scriptum:

The like function is a perfect symbol of all that is wrong in this superficial modern world. I wish it were disabled.

Entirely ironic and superficial like added. <3

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Please... make me stop. ..liking...arggg. sry.

 

[Epsilon0]

Entirely ironic and superficial like added. <3

Nice! Life without irony would be unbearable.

Please... make me stop. ..liking...arggg. sry.

As long as the like button exists, I will use it to show appreciation. I am not the rebell type who would go against the general consensus just to make a point.

The only thing Che Guevara and me have in common is that I occasionlly wear a beret in the spring.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I made a tribute thread for BPD_LE.
I actually can't remember if I asked her as she kinda had bigger things on her mind at the time and I was all over the place.
I wanted to do it and it felt right. It was for me too, to say goodbye, catharsis, like a funeral.
I didn't include anything personal as it wasnt my place but just remembering how we met etc.
I felt a fierce pride mixed with awful sadness and panic as I wrote that thread. It's buried somewhere in the forum.
I can't bring myself to look at it cus I'm an emotional sod sometimes. But I remember in my own way. Always.

 

[fightingsioux]

Several tribute threads that popped up lately look just like delegated goodbye threads that go like this:
XXX just CTBed, I had the honor to be with her/him during their last moments. YYY was the method.
Here are the problems (legal, medical, family, relationship, etc) they had in their life and the reasons why they CTBed (sometimes inaccurate and get corrected or complemented by other members).
XXX was a beautiful soul, blah blah blah.
May XXX rest in peace and will be remembered, Blah Blah.

Replies to such threads look awfully similar to those posted on typical goodbye threads with "you" being replaced by "he" or "she". The OPs get a generous shower of reaction scores and cement their image of being trusted figures on this forum.

It makes me wonder if somebody wants to make their death known, why not write their own goodbye threads where they can describe their lives the best, present themselves the way they want, and directly give their online friends a chance to say goodbye?

To OPs of tribute threads:
Unless the recently deceased members explicitly asked you or told you it's ok to reveal the details of their personal lives, I don't think it's appropriate to assume you can take the liberty to reveal their privacy and announce their passing in such a public place. People don't want a goodbye thread for many different reasons, including not want to be talked and inquired about by a bunch of semi-strangers after death. If you weren't explicitly given permission, then I suspect you use their deaths to boost your own popularity and influence on this forum.

Of course, OPs of such threads can easily lie about being asked to post tribute threads so they can shut anybody up who questions their intentions.

A forum like this attracts emotional vampires and attention seekers. Beware.
View attachment 29627

You're obviously a cynical, skeptical, viciously blunt malcontent who insists on mercilessly examining every safe and comforting, banal and trite stereotype and then painstakingly dismembering and dissecting it until it lies bloody and squirming under the harsh spotlight of reality.

The world needs more people like you.

 

[TAW122]

I personally don't see anything wrong with tribute threads, especially if the person has (explicitly) requested for them to be made. It is a way to remember those who have passed and wish them well.

 

[Quarky00]

sometimes inaccurate and get corrected or complemented by other members

I would like to emphasize how true that is , and how disrespectful that practice is to the deceased and their closest friends here . If you cannot "sum up" a person's situation -- then please don't . That's kind of the point of tribute ? Writing factually wrong information about a member that is no longer with us . THIS IS SERIOUS . I'M RAISING THE FLAG .

I would also like to add that some people who claimed to be "present" during ctb gave an account of it that was found wrong by other people who talked to the deceased during their last moments . This is much more serious and deeply troubling than what you have mentioned in your post . THIS IS SERIOUS . I'M RAISING THE FLAG .

I would also like to reinforce the point you started with: tribute threads that are called "goodbye threads" . No , a goodbye thread is written by A MEMBER WHO CTBED . Sadly some tributes are not only portrayed as goodbye threads , but are actually labeled by their writer as the member's own "goodbye thread" . This is serious since the writer of such threads not only "speaks for" the deceased member (which is factually wrong to claim ; and morally wrong to do) -- but also takes ownership over the deceased's last will and testimony . Y memory is now owned by X's tribute . THIS IS SERIOUS . I'M RAISING THE FLAG .

I do not share your conclusion , that an explicit permission must be given to tribute threads . I believe members can show respect by their own volition , and do so wonderfully . I believe this to be a more unique and contained phenomena that should be addressed by community .

I am also aware this site now operates without an active admin . We have great mods here , who are doing a difficult tedious job marvelously , and I am thankful . But we do not have someone who is fluent with what is going on in threads , knows members , etc . Unless there's clear violation of rules , which is handled superbly by mods , there is no one to "guide" members -- give their opinion as to better practices . We do have free speech , but also community spirit and values , and such person keeps the balance between these two , kindly nudging members without hurting their free speech or their feelings . Whether we like some guidance or not , that is critical when things go off the rails , and when this place is in danger by outside attacks , or infighting . Some "calming hand" , if you may .

 

[Epsilon0]

You're obviously a cynical, skeptical, viciously blunt malcontent who insists on mercilessly examining every safe and comforting, banal and trite stereotype and then painstakingly dismembering and dissecting it until it lies bloody and squirming under the harsh spotlight of reality.

The world needs more people like you.

Beautifully written!

I do, however, wonder: isn't almost all of this forum a repetition and a dissection of the same issues over and over again? Isn't cynicism and skepticism the very stuff we feed on? Are we not mercilessly bashing everything that is considered holy in this world - morality, love and even birth?

Methinks your eloquent finger is pointing at many of us here, myself included.

 

[HopeDiesLast]

There's reverence for the dead, and there's exploitation of the dead.

It's a shame so many here don't seem to understand the difference.

 

[Quarky00]

The best way to deal with any threads that seem disingenuous is to simply not reply.

That poses a problem as many of these threads do not appear to be disingenuous , and not replying to such , while others do , is most likely to be an overall not-so-positive direction or outcome to this community or its individual members (if being misled) .

I do agree that if something is highly controversial or suspicious , and in general an apparent mild trolling or flaming or attention grabbing , even done unwittingly and without malice , should be ignored . Unless it is taken as reliable by some members and propagates misconceptions which could be harmful .

* This could be about everything , even issues that are mundane here , like basic practices of a method , calling out an issue in the community , misrepresenting a certain event , behaviour or practice , etc ..

 

[Deleted member 1465]

If anyone is guilty of putting words in the mouths of the dead then that does indeed disgust me.

Beautifully written!

I do, however, wonder: isn't almost all of this forum a repetition and a dissection of the same issues over and over again? Isn't cynicism and skepticism the very stuff we feed on? Are we not mercilessly bashing everything that is considered holy in this world - morality, love and even birth?

Methinks your eloquent finger is pointing at many of us here, myself included.

Yup. Repetition. Round and round. Echo chamber. Guilty.

 

[AlreadyGone]

Isn't almost all of this forum a repetition and a dissection of the same issues over and over again?

Yes. Yes it is.

 

[faust]

Skepticism itself is not a bad thing, but I think here is too much of it. I won't start polemic on this thread, will just walk my way...

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I made a tribute thread for BPD_LE.
I actually can't remember if I asked her as she kinda had bigger things on her mind at the time and I was all over the place.
I wanted to do it and it felt right. It was for me too, to say goodbye, catharsis, like a funeral.
I didn't include anything personal as it wasnt my place but just remembering how we met etc.
I felt a fierce pride mixed with awful sadness and panic as I wrote that thread. It's buried somewhere in the forum.
I can't bring myself to look at it cus I'm an emotional sod sometimes. But I remember in my own way. Always.

I remember that and I often miss her around here.

On another note...this is yet another divisive thread which will cause much controversy oh my! I'm honestly a bit disheartened and sad by how this forum has been turning on its own members lately.

Especially when some of you should remember how caring and supportive this place is supposed to be. Let people post what they will as it's very judgemental to question their reasons for doing so. They could be posting it for a very valid reason to which you have no understanding.

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

I don't want attention for someone else's death. The only reason I would do it (with their permission of course) would be as a final goodbye to them. Kind of like closure

 

[Quarky00]

isn't almost all of this forum a repetition and a dissection of the same issues over and over again?

This is all very repetitive, and I am afraid we are getting nowhere.

You are , in fact , repeating yourself . ;)

This is all very repetitive

 

[Epsilon0]

You are , in fact , repeating yourself . ;)

Ha ha ha L O V E this post. Thank you!

 

[AlreadyGone]

I don't mind tribute threads. But I do agree with the notion of leaving out the personal info such as the reasons why they decided to ctb and etc. I don't think anyone needs to know a person's reason as to why they wanted to ctb or the struggles they went through in a tribute thread.

The users close to that individual would already know their story.

 

[waterbottleman]

Threads like this depress me. It's unnecessary judgment, skepticism, and negativity towards other people when all of us are already suffering to a high degree.

Some users who are already hurting/alienated irl are going feel like this thread is a personal attack on them and second guess themselves every time they write a comment or make a thread. Some users will feel less welcome on this forum when for many users this forum is one of the only places (possibly the only place) where they can open up honestly about their feelings and express their most vulnerable thoughts because they feel safe and shielded from judgment on here.

Maybe I'm just speaking for myself here, but as someone with autism who has experienced being falsely accused of having all sorts of beliefs, feelings, and intentions from other people all my life, it is very alienating and deflating to be the victim of people who think they can read your mind and "know" how you feel and what your intentions are better than you yourself know. It feels like a form of gas lighting. Eventually what ends up happening when this happens to you is you isolate yourself because you assume no one is going to believe or listen to what you have to say anyways. On a forum that is entirely about being a safe space, this is very damaging.

However there is something nitrogen brought up that I think is a fair point and something to consider. Nitrogen said "Unless the recently deceased members explicitly asked you or told you it's ok to reveal the details of their personal lives, I don't think it's appropriate to assume you can take the liberty to reveal their privacy and announce their passing in such a public place."

While it doesn't bother me when I see people do this and I wouldn't care if it happened to me, I can see the point nitrogen is making here. Some deceased users may not want their personal lives to be told on here once they're dead for various reasons and respecting their privacy is something that I think is appropriate to consider. I think it's something to consider on a user by user basis, some users like myself and many others who write very publicly about their personal lives and why they want to ctb probably wouldn't be bothered by this. However if a user is shy from telling their personal lives (which is 100 percent okay) and only speak to certain users about it via private messages/conversations, it's probably best to stay silent about their personal lives on this forum once they ctb.

 

[faust]

If you are so concerned about others' likes, I can give you a tip:
Nothing is showing here that the message is read in conversation. But if you put likes to messages, you can keep track of whether person read your message or not yet.

 

[Mr2005]

It's very cynical even by my standards but I can understand it. What we don't need is disingenuous posts about potentially disingenuous posts but I don't know what good that would do. Make the enemy 'them' not 'us' and you're a guaranteed superstar overnight

 

[waterbottleman]

If you are so concerned about others' likes, I can give you a tip:
Nothing is showing here that the message is read in conversation. But if you put likes to messages, you can keep track of whether person read your message or not yet.

I think for 99 percent of people, liking a post is simply a form of support whether it means "I agree with what you said" or "I sympathize with you" or "I have read and acknowledge what you wrote" or "I like you" etc. Also sometimes, many times actually, we like a post but don't really have anything worthwhile to say about it so we just like it/other emoji to give the user our support/recognition of their comment.

Furthermore I have seen some users say they feel anxious writing comments because they're afraid they'll sound stupid and be judged for it (if you're one of these people and feel this way, please feel free to write a comment we will welcome you and not judge you for being dumb). So for this group of people liking posts/emojis are a way to express themselves and how they feel about someone's post without having to stick their neck out and write a comment they'd be anxious to write.

 

[nitrogen]

You're obviously a cynical, skeptical, viciously blunt malcontent who insists on mercilessly examining every safe and comforting, banal and trite stereotype and then painstakingly dismembering and dissecting it until it lies bloody and squirming under the harsh spotlight of reality.

The world needs more people like you.

I couldn't tell this post was meant to be a compliment until I got to the last sentence. Or is it? I'm still not quite sure.

 

[faust]

I think for 99 percent of people, liking a post is simply a form of support whether it means "I agree with what you said" or "I sympathize with you" or "I have read and acknowledge what you wrote" or "I like you" etc. Also sometimes, many times actually, we like a post but don't really have anything worthwhile to say about it so we just like it/other emoji to give the user our support/recognition of their comment.

Furthermore I have seen some users say they feel anxious writing comments because they're afraid they'll sound stupid and be judged for it (if you're one of these people and feel this way, please feel free to write a comment we will welcome you and not judge you for being dumb). So for this group of people liking posts/emojis are a way to express themselves and how they feel about someone's post without having to stick their neck out and write a comment they'd be anxious to write.

True. Sometimes likes even work as a support. Likes, hearts and hugs is a really nice thing.