Those so-called tribute threads look suspiciously like attention seeking by the living

[jgm63]

Several tribute threads that popped up lately look just like delegated goodbye threads that go like this:
XXX just CTBed, I had the honor to be with her/him during their last moments. YYY was the method.
Here are the problems (legal, medical, family, relationship, etc) they had in their life and the reasons why they CTBed (sometimes inaccurate and get corrected or complemented by other members).
XXX was a beautiful soul, blah blah blah.
May XXX rest in peace and will be remembered, Blah Blah.

Replies to such threads look awfully similar to those posted on typical goodbye threads with "you" being replaced by "he" or "she". The OPs get a generous shower of reaction scores and cement their image of being trusted figures on this forum.

It makes me wonder if somebody wants to make their death known, why not write their own goodbye threads where they can describe their lives the best, present themselves the way they want, and directly give their online friends a chance to say goodbye?

To OPs of tribute threads:
Unless the recently deceased members explicitly asked you or told you it's ok to reveal the details of their personal lives, I don't think it's appropriate to assume you can take the liberty to reveal their privacy and announce their passing in such a public place. People don't want a goodbye thread for many different reasons, including not want to be talked and inquired about by a bunch of semi-strangers after death. If you weren't explicitly given permission, then I suspect you use their deaths to boost your own popularity and influence on this forum.

Of course, OPs of such threads can easily lie about being asked to post tribute threads so they can shut anybody up who questions their intentions.

A forum like this attracts emotional vampires and attention seekers. Beware.
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Perhaps we can have a convention of members making a profile post if they don't wish anyone to write a tribute post, a bit like a "Do Not Resuscitate".

e.g. They can make a profile post, and simply write : "No tribute post".

If someone writes a tribute post about someone who has "No tribute post" stated as a profile post, then we can have it taken down.

They are also free to be more explicit, eg "I am happy for <member> only to write a tribute post if they wish".

More recent posts would supersede earlier ones, so someone can always change their mind....
The keyword "tribute post" would need to appear in any related posts, so they can be searched for.

We can have these conventions stated in the rules / FAQ, and encourage people to create such a post upon signing up if they are aware of their wishes at the time, and of course they are free to add them later also.....

This needs a bit of fleshing out of course. Will give some additional thought to it.....

I'm not saying this proposed approach is perfect, but perhaps it's better than nothing.....

Anyone who would prefer to not have a tribute post written is free to state that as a profile post, and we will collectively try to ensure that is adhered to.....

Otherwise, I think it's reasonable for someone to write a tribute if they wish to......

If something out of turn is observed on a tribute post, it's likely that the OP will be called out on it....

 

[HadEnough1974]

Is it attention seeking by the living? Perhaps, perhaps not. I can see it both ways.

I think the tribute should be written by the person themselves and handed over to someone else to post on their behalf.

But then again, why doesn't the person who ctb post it as a goodbye thread?

Perhaps the person who ctb doesn't have the mental strength to write a goodbye thread? I personally will not have a goodbye thread. There are times where I don't have the energy to write.

I'm not going to judge people who write tributes. I can only hope that their hearts are in the right place. That's all.

 

[Mud.]

No tribute posts at all gets my vote.

Goodbye threads have always been good enough to say some kind & compassionate things to or about somebody. Just say goodbye in a tasteful and dignified manner. Don't derail the thread and don't keep the thread going for more than a week after the member has signed out for the last time.

It probably sounds harsh, but this is a forum, not a remembrance wall. Personally I wouldn't mind if an old rule would return; When you post a Goodbye thread, you oblige yourself to a permanent self-ban.

It's not because I'm against supporting people that are in terrible pain and could really need a listening ear, whatever their decisions thereafter. (There's also a recovery sub-forum here which I totally agree with.)

But because I see more and more 'pm me please' posts in these Goodbye threads. And not by the person who actually posts the Goodbye thread. This really worries me.

When you spend the last 30 minutes pm-ing with somebody that's about to take his/her own life, you're in danger of taken away his/her last moments of doubt.

Those last moments could have reversed an irreversible decision. You simply cannot know enough about another member to know for sure that you're supporting a member that would have ended his/her live no matter what.

You don't know how that member has gotten to that point in his/her life in detail and in exactly what state of mind he or she is in by looking at a monitor (or even with a phone call).

This is a pro-choice forum but of course many members here have already made their choice. Hence the amount of first posts that basically say 'Finally, I've found a place where I can talk about my choice.' I certainly felt that way when I first found this board.

However, this also creates an 'we're all in the same boat' feeling, which in turn can lead to a twisted form of peer pressure in certain situations. Empathy can be very dangerous. It can almost feel like you are the one that's about to ctb and that you are the one trying to fight off the SI.

No matter how good the intentions, this can lead to tragedies. It makes me very sad. We're not suicide counsellors or close friends/relatives. A certain distance is necessary imo.