This torment never ends

[Throwaway563078]

I am convinced existence is prison. I'm more serious about ctb than ever and my mental health and life is only getting worse. Today I was about to do some stuff to order my method. I kept thinking of my father and brother. They're so sweet. My dad had a tough life and always provided the best for us. He's very emotional and I'm his "favorite". Anyways thinking of him and my brother is making me really hesitant.

Even though my dad (and whole family too, I'm a closeted atheist which is another reason for me wanting to ctb) is a religious Muslim and religion is his emotional crutch,i remembered during tough times he questioned Gods existence which is a huge sin. He also joked about suicide once. Now he's jobless and I'm pretty sure he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Hell maybe he's suicidal, he's become so distant and depressed. I'm afraid my death with really affect him, the fact that he's already in a hard spot, is emotional and adores me dearly. I am not trying to say I'm special. The same for my brother. I am worried about the aftermath, I am worried I will ruin an already dysfunctional and scattered family.

So this morning I decided to try to endure life as long as I can for them. I couldn't. I'm so tired. Give me a million dollars and another life promised with the love and non abuse I never had, I wouldn't choose it. I want peace. I want out. And I hate that I'm trapped. I am tired. I don't know what to do im beyond repair, my mental issues are really bad.

I cant live for someone else. But I also can't bear to think of how my dad and brother would react. This is torture. I tried my best today to tell myself I need to live and endure this until they die. I tried to avoid suicidal thoughts. But I can't. Peace is all I want. Why is peace so damn expensive? If I had one good thing keeping me going I'd stay but I don't want to talk about my stupid painful existence /life. I literally have nothing going for me. Nothing I enjoy, no one next to me.
Is anyone in a similar position?

Edit: I think I placed this on the wrong forum, mods if this doesn't belong here please change it

 

[Amina]

My family are Muslim too. It's really heartbreaking for me because I'm not that religious at all and killing yourself is a huge sin in Islam as you probably are aware. My mum and sisters will be devastated because they believe all this and they'll probs think I'm in hell for killing myself ‍
I feel bad too about dying on them. But I'm going to leave a note and implore them to forget about me and not to be upset. Not that it'll work but still
You're really strong for staying alive for other people ❤

 

[TheLastTrip]

That's really tough to deal with. I understand completely what you said about, "I literally have nothing going for me. Nothing I enjoy, no one next to me.". That's exactly how I feel, I've lost all direction, all passion in life and I can't get it back.

It sounds like you're looking for a reason to stay, you mentioned if you had one thing to hold on to that you'd stay? Maybe that could be your goal? Try new things constantly until you find something that gives you that zest back, or maybe you'll find a partner and that will be the rock you use to anchor yourself? If it all fails and you don't find anything then a) at least you've wholeheartedly tried to find something worth living for and b) hey you're only back at the position you are in now so you haven't lost anything other than time.

 

[Throwaway563078]

My family are Muslim too. It's really heartbreaking for me because I'm not that religious at all and killing yourself is a huge sin in Islam as you probably are aware. My mum and sisters will be devastated because they believe all this and they'll probs think I'm in hell for killing myself ‍
I feel bad too about dying on them. But I'm going to leave a note and implore them to forget about me and not to be upset. Not that it'll work but still
You're really strong for staying alive for other people ❤

Thanks, I don't really think I am. The thing is, I don't really think I can stay alive for them, too much suffering. So I feel stuck in the middle. Not working towards trying to ctb nor being able to somewhat enjoy life.
I sometimes think a note will do more harm than help. Good luck to you, do you plan on it soon?

 

[Throwaway563078]

That's really tough to deal with. I understand completely what you said about, "I literally have nothing going for me. Nothing I enjoy, no one next to me.". That's exactly how I feel, I've lost all direction, all passion in life and I can't get it back.

It sounds like you're looking for a reason to stay, you mentioned if you had one thing to hold on to that you'd stay? Maybe that could be your goal? Try new things constantly until you find something that gives you that zest back, or maybe you'll find a partner and that will be the rock you use to anchor yourself? If it all fails and you don't find anything then a) at least you've wholeheartedly tried to find something worth living for and b) hey you're only back at the position you are in now so you haven't lost anything other than time.

All I want is peace. I don't want a partner or a hobby. Peace is the only thing I want and I don't believe life can give me that.

 

[TheLastTrip]

I understand Throwaway563078, trust me I do.

 

[Schopenhauer]

I want this peace too, I can understand you.

Don't feel guilty about leaving your family. They're adults, responsible for their own lives and choices. You didn't ask to be born, leaving is a right.

 

[Throwaway563078]

I want this peace too, I can understand you.

Don't feel guilty about leaving your family. They're adults, responsible for their own lives and choices. You didn't ask to be born, leaving is a right.

Hope we all find the peace we are looking for. As you can tell I am finding it immensely difficult wrestling with the guilt. I know I shouldn't feel guilt yet I do. I'll overcome it somehow