this sounds cringe and stupid

[sincerelysad]

i typed out like 20 different titles and felt more and more dumb each time so i went with this one.

i saw a tweet someone made talking about how whenever they see someone turning 23, they think "hope you survive!" to themselves, implying that 23 is a really hellish year. seeing everyone agree, although i know how dumb and trivial this is, literally terrified me.

i'm 21, and i've already gone through a massive traumatic event for each year of my adult life so far. i'm exhausted, i'm scared, i'm beaten down, etc. since teenhood on onward, and maybe even since childhood but i can't say for certain, i've never really been able to "see" a future for myself. i could never really picture myself aging far past the age i was at the time, and my ability to see has gotten even worse in just a few short years (im assuming because of the trauma that i've endured like rapid fire throughout these past 4 years or so).

thinking about turning 23, 24, 25, 26 and so on feels so incredibly uncomfortable and foreign to me. knowing that i'm likely to just experience worse and worse trauma the more i age is petrifying.

i really believe i'm not meant to live past maybe 25? but even that number feels strange and wrong and scary.

i feel really broken and messed up and wrong. i don't know how to feel. i just want to die.

 

[myownpetvirus]

i typed out like 20 different titles and felt more and more dumb each time so i went with this one.

i saw a tweet someone made talking about how whenever they see someone turning 23, they think "hope you survive!" to themselves, implying that 23 is a really hellish year. seeing everyone agree, although i know how dumb and trivial this is, literally terrified me.

i'm 21, and i've already gone through a massive traumatic event for each year of my adult life so far. i'm exhausted, i'm scared, i'm beaten down, etc. since teenhood on onward, and maybe even since childhood but i can't say for certain, i've never really been able to "see" a future for myself. i could never really picture myself aging far past the age i was at the time, and my ability to see has gotten even worse in just a few short years (im assuming because of the trauma that i've endured like rapid fire throughout these past 4 years or so).

thinking about turning 23, 24, 25, 26 and so on feels so incredibly uncomfortable and foreign to me. knowing that i'm likely to just experience worse and worse trauma the more i age is petrifying.

i really believe i'm not meant to live past maybe 25? but even that number feels strange and wrong and scary.

i feel really broken and messed up and wrong. i don't know how to feel. i just want to die.

I felt like that when I was your age in was specifically afraid of there age of 30. What is causing your Suicidality?

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it to be very horrible the thought of ageing, I wish for no more years spent here in this awful world, I've been here for way longer than I should have been. But it certainly can be so horrible knowing that only suffering lies ahead in the future and I think that it's true that what we go through will certainly get worse as time goes on. But it really sounds like you have suffered a lot so I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[ImpairedLowlife]

thinking about turning 23, 24, 25, 26 and so on feels so incredibly uncomfortable and foreign to me. knowing that i'm likely to just experience worse and worse trauma the more i age is petrifying.

i really believe i'm not meant to live past maybe 25? but even that number feels strange and wrong and scary.

i feel really broken and messed up and wrong. i don't know how to feel. i just want to die.

I feel the same. Getting older is scary. Not just because of age, but responsibilities, high education, work e.t.c. I don't know how to handle it, because I'm just tired and broken. I see dying as the only possible way

 

[almostoutofhere]

When I was 23, that was one of the most happiest years of my life, before everything went to shit

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It only got worse for me from 18 onward culminating in my present sitation.

That's just my life though and has no bearing on yours.

It makes sense to not see a positive future for yourself if you have mainly known suffering.

Just from experience I think you would need to wait a few more years before you can conclude with true confidence what your life is likely going to be like.

I know that's a tall order though.

 

[sincerelysad]

I felt like that when I was your age in was specifically afraid of there age of 30. What is causing your Suicidality?

tons and tons of things. i've been diagnosed with passive suicidal ideation since i was 17 but active and passive si has been going on for far longer than that. since i was a kid.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

tons and tons of things. i've been diagnosed with passive suicidal ideation since i was 17 but active and passive si has been going on for far longer than that. since i was a kid.

For some people once the thoughts appear they take root and never really go away. I know that can be a frightening prospect but it's not like just because you have the thoughts you're forced to act on them. From other posts of yours it seems that you're in am environment and situation where you have little control over your life. Powerlessness and a lack of control are in my opinion at the heart of trauma. To find healing you have to gain a sense of empowerment. That can be an involved process but you can approach it step by step.