I feel really guilty for how things are right now, especially when I look at everyone in my family and notice how weak I am. My grandparents were dirt poor but my grandpa managed to get into the military and built a life for himself, my grandmother and his seven children. Everyone of them struggled with life but eventually made it. Both my uncles were also in the police and military, an aunt of mine made it into management starting from scratch, I got two other aunts that are teachers, one of them runs their own school, and another aunt that works at a hospital lab. They all managed that with my grandfather earning that shitty sergeant salary, so they went through lots of hurdles through their lives, and even when they made it into where they are now, it didn't get easy. Same goes for my father, he lost his father at 4 years old and had several siblings for his mom to take care of. Eventually he managed to work IT at a sizeable company and became a contractor after he got laid off. Not only was he an extraordinaire on what he did, he also managed all the paperwork and logistics of being self employed. We never starved, he had always something going on to keep us afloat, bought us a house, and every now and then he'd do something nice for the three of us.
As a kid I never really got along with my family, they were always too cold towards me and I didn't know how to interact with them. Being shunned so early in life made me socially awkward and I ended up having trouble making friends at school as well. My childhood was really lonely but it didn't bother me because it was what I knew, I thought everything was as it was supposed to be, no big deal, but it became a major frustration as I grew older. At around 14 I tried once again reaching out for people and my family but they never responded, and with that, I started struggling with a sadness that went unaddressed and turned into depression after a few years. It made it very hard for me to study and I dropped out of high school. As I dropped out, I also isolated for the last 6 years, so my life never had any progress, because I didn't study for anything and only started trying to get a job too late at the age of 20. I did get some odd jobs and worked at a call center for one year until I quit, which I regret, even though it was annoying as shit.
I'm giving up because I tried many times to turn my life around, but at the end of the day, it's my fault I don't have a future. I did have some opportunities, like going to trade school and high school itself, but I deliberately turned these down. I also tried going to the military, but as mentioned, mental health became a huge barrier and I would not make it. I understand I wasn't born into ideal conditions, but people tend to at least survive their environment. It doesn't sit well with me that my dad provided everything he did and I couldn't make anything of it, when I have all these examples of people thriving in my family. Yes, they do struggle, but they keep up. I don't. I never had any of these challenges, and even if I did, they'd not toughen me up, they'd just scar me and make me even more terrified of life. Long story short, I'm too weak and stupid to do anything, really.
Recently I got a job as an ISP cable guy but I literally quit after my first day on the field because I couldn't tolerate the working conditions, which weren't terrible. It had a reasonable pay but you had to use your car and it worried me that I'd have to spend too much money on maintenance and also they filled it with equipments and miscellaneous shit. There was a lot going on in my head as I was working, lots of worries and self doubt (more like self hate), and I really felt like I couldn't do it, so I caved in under my own pressure. The thing is, the stuff I was worrying about was temporary and would get better with time, but I couldn't really see that when going through these panic attacks of mine. That's why I really regret quitting, I did get my shot, but now I'm unemployed again and just don't know what to do. I don't want to give myself another chance because I make up endless excuses and problems and just can't focus or do anything. Not only am I physically weak and mentally challenged, I don't have the will power to face normal everyday challenges because I'm so caught up in my own problems that I can't solve. Everything I have is going to be eventually lost and I don't know how to stop this from happening. I know I have to change, but literally don't know how, given my circumstances. I really don't feel cut out for life and that I should end it.
Just ordered 500g of SN and got my metoclopramide pills. The SN is already shipped and should be delivered next tuesday. I'm making some plans on how I'm going to carry it out, and I think it'll be done by next weekend if I don't change my mind. Again, I don't really think changing my mind is going to make any difference because I keep spinning my wheels and coming back to the same shitty situation. By the way, I tried therapy some times before but they just can't help me because they need me to be willing to do something to get better, and every therapist I've been to has noticed I'm not and quietly gave up on me the same way I did several times before. I'll record some messages on video and schedule them to premiere on YouTube a few days after my death, and share the links with my few friends.
I do feel bad for leaving my mom behind, because she's as fucked in life as I am and I'm all that she has, but if I don't go, I know that she'll grow to despise me for the fact that I don't do anything and am a quitter, and I'll be living with her and it will make things harder, especially when I can't help her. I also don't want to be alive long enough for my family to see how much of a failure I am, so I'd rather just do it for them to understand I'm just too weak for this life. I know most of them hate me at this point and some will mock me for my death, but I don't want to experience that silent hate in life, so it's better to end it before it happens. We have a lottery ticket and the draw will be tomorrow, so there's a 1 in 50 million chance I'll not carry on through with my attempt and actually turn my life around, seek help, go to the gym, study, etc. but of course we're talking about the lottery here, you can't really count your life on that, conspiracy theories aside.
Thank you for reading this long post, feel free to leave some actionable advice in the comments.
As a kid I never really got along with my family, they were always too cold towards me and I didn't know how to interact with them. Being shunned so early in life made me socially awkward and I ended up having trouble making friends at school as well. My childhood was really lonely but it didn't bother me because it was what I knew, I thought everything was as it was supposed to be, no big deal, but it became a major frustration as I grew older. At around 14 I tried once again reaching out for people and my family but they never responded, and with that, I started struggling with a sadness that went unaddressed and turned into depression after a few years. It made it very hard for me to study and I dropped out of high school. As I dropped out, I also isolated for the last 6 years, so my life never had any progress, because I didn't study for anything and only started trying to get a job too late at the age of 20. I did get some odd jobs and worked at a call center for one year until I quit, which I regret, even though it was annoying as shit.
I'm giving up because I tried many times to turn my life around, but at the end of the day, it's my fault I don't have a future. I did have some opportunities, like going to trade school and high school itself, but I deliberately turned these down. I also tried going to the military, but as mentioned, mental health became a huge barrier and I would not make it. I understand I wasn't born into ideal conditions, but people tend to at least survive their environment. It doesn't sit well with me that my dad provided everything he did and I couldn't make anything of it, when I have all these examples of people thriving in my family. Yes, they do struggle, but they keep up. I don't. I never had any of these challenges, and even if I did, they'd not toughen me up, they'd just scar me and make me even more terrified of life. Long story short, I'm too weak and stupid to do anything, really.
Recently I got a job as an ISP cable guy but I literally quit after my first day on the field because I couldn't tolerate the working conditions, which weren't terrible. It had a reasonable pay but you had to use your car and it worried me that I'd have to spend too much money on maintenance and also they filled it with equipments and miscellaneous shit. There was a lot going on in my head as I was working, lots of worries and self doubt (more like self hate), and I really felt like I couldn't do it, so I caved in under my own pressure. The thing is, the stuff I was worrying about was temporary and would get better with time, but I couldn't really see that when going through these panic attacks of mine. That's why I really regret quitting, I did get my shot, but now I'm unemployed again and just don't know what to do. I don't want to give myself another chance because I make up endless excuses and problems and just can't focus or do anything. Not only am I physically weak and mentally challenged, I don't have the will power to face normal everyday challenges because I'm so caught up in my own problems that I can't solve. Everything I have is going to be eventually lost and I don't know how to stop this from happening. I know I have to change, but literally don't know how, given my circumstances. I really don't feel cut out for life and that I should end it.
Just ordered 500g of SN and got my metoclopramide pills. The SN is already shipped and should be delivered next tuesday. I'm making some plans on how I'm going to carry it out, and I think it'll be done by next weekend if I don't change my mind. Again, I don't really think changing my mind is going to make any difference because I keep spinning my wheels and coming back to the same shitty situation. By the way, I tried therapy some times before but they just can't help me because they need me to be willing to do something to get better, and every therapist I've been to has noticed I'm not and quietly gave up on me the same way I did several times before. I'll record some messages on video and schedule them to premiere on YouTube a few days after my death, and share the links with my few friends.
I do feel bad for leaving my mom behind, because she's as fucked in life as I am and I'm all that she has, but if I don't go, I know that she'll grow to despise me for the fact that I don't do anything and am a quitter, and I'll be living with her and it will make things harder, especially when I can't help her. I also don't want to be alive long enough for my family to see how much of a failure I am, so I'd rather just do it for them to understand I'm just too weak for this life. I know most of them hate me at this point and some will mock me for my death, but I don't want to experience that silent hate in life, so it's better to end it before it happens. We have a lottery ticket and the draw will be tomorrow, so there's a 1 in 50 million chance I'll not carry on through with my attempt and actually turn my life around, seek help, go to the gym, study, etc. but of course we're talking about the lottery here, you can't really count your life on that, conspiracy theories aside.
Thank you for reading this long post, feel free to leave some actionable advice in the comments.
