GreenMarsh
Member
- Oct 17, 2023
- 59
I'm going to be discussing topics that include mentions of sex and intercourse. If you're not comfortable reading anything related to it, this is me advising you to turn away. Thank you for opening the thread regardless, and have an amazing day!
I am a new user on this forum, only being here for about 3 days now, and I've learned a lot about how so many of you think about death, and how despite the fact that we share so many similar views, we don't all necessarily think the same way, despite having the same goal. That is to say, regardless of what we want after we die, we're all riding the same bus, just getting off on different stations. Having found this forum has been one of the most liberating things I have ever experienced. You wonderful people stray away from judgement, and try your best to sympathize; for that reason, I have vowed to share my own thoughts as earnestly as I can, because there's probably nowhere else in the world that I can share these thoughts, and I came here to die, not to live with regret.
All that being said, I wanna make my views clear so that there is no confusion. I am fixated on dying someday soon, right now if it was possible, but I lack the means to do so reliably, so for the time being, I am enjoying life to my most earnest desires, without violating anyone's consent. Besides videogames and food, one of the many things I've craved from my life is love, both a physical sensation and an emotional one.
It has not been terribly difficult to meet people, and thanks to me always applying my sincerity to my words, it seems some of them have been able to trust me greatly, and for that, I am very thankful. As someone who has made it their existence to live as honest to my desires as I can, there's no greater honor than a friend accepting my words as truthfully as I can deliver them, because they are the truth, and nothing but the truth, likewise, I do the same for them. Naturally, some of these relationships have been more intimate than others, some might've even been loving, but one thing is clear, many times it's happened that I've desired someone, physically, and they've reciprocated those feelings too, usually, these people have been friends, all of whom as stated previously, have accepted my honest words and internalized them, and we've bonded over them. It was beautiful, it was intimate. At least in theory.
It's hard to type this next part, please try and put yourself in my shoes. It's embarrassing to feel so naked in front of so many strangers, but I will continue.
Every single time I've tried to have intimate sex with anyone I deeply care about, my own body fails to react the way I want it to. That is to say, my own penis does not get erect/stay erect. There is no underlying medical condition which I am aware of, and in any other circumstances, it works just fine. I understand that after reading that sentence, you might feel this problem is trivial, or even that I'm being melodramatic, but I implore you to stay in my shoes for this next part.
What should be in the eyes of myself and the other person an act of intimacy and connection becomes spoiled by the fact that regardless of my own desires, my body does not react the way I want it to. The following then happens all the time: I try to explain the situation to the other person, and they claim to understand, but their eyes tell a different story. They look at me with mistrust and betrayal, sometimes they vocalize their own insecurities and claim that I lied to them, that I don't find them attractive, that I don't "really like them," as though everything I had said before, regardless of how long we've known each other, is suddenly meaningless. All of that trust, all of that emotion I had poured into my expressing myself to them, discarded. All in one instant. And why? Because my body, my own body, regardless of my intention, did not react the way I hoped it would. Here I am, at my own most vulnerable, quite literally naked and exposed, being berated for something I have no control over, while they feel justified in doing so, and worst of all, betrayed.
The feeling is indescribable. It's sickening. It's nauseating. Yet those words are far too tame to even describe 1% of how I felt in those moments. Me, someone who values their honesty, being dismantled over something I have no control over, while the person I care about does so with what they believe to be perfect justification.
Perhaps, in a sense, my body isn't lying to me or them, perhaps someone who truly loves me would never dare use their insecurities as a weapon against me. There is some truth in that. Looking back in retrospect, I'm glad I didn't give them anything; had I done so, and learned they were capable of hurting me this much, I might've regretted it even more than what actually happened.
Even so, after ALL of that being said, I have no given up on finding someone who understands me, whom I know I can love, and who loves me, regardless of whatever irregularities I may or may not have with my body. I will not let the hurt they inflicted on me get in the way of the love I could find. They will not define me.
If you read this far, thank you so much. Regardless of what you think of my situation, I hope you at least understand how difficult it was for me to share this. I will admit, it's not the most concise thing I've ever written, but I have a feeling it won't be the last time I ever write about it, but this is the first, and I feel proud for taking that step.
Thank you everyone, have an amazing day!
Those who couldn't understand, weren't meant to be!
