Help This is stopping me

[sellfish]

I have been thinking about this as my ctb date approaches. I have caused a lot of pain to many people in my life, and dying would be the absolute worst possible pain that I would inflict from a 'selfish' attempt to end my pain quicker than trying to get better or live a terrible life. What is this actually backfires and after dying I would suffer terribly. I can't explain how that would be possible since I dont really believe in the christian descriptions of hell, but a different kind of hell. How would you describe it if there was such a thing?
I know there are people who commit suicide and they are in horrible pain but have been good people. I am asking in the case where I person like myself, acted horribly and treated life and everything badly and have ended in a bad position because of their wrong doing so the easiest way out would be suicide.

 

[Eridanos]

if you can I recommend you talking to the people you feel like you have done wrong to. You don't have to go into details just close any source of regrets you might have.