Menschenmühle
Member
- Jan 21, 2022
- 80
I've had my fair share of trouble in this battleground called Life. Ever since my teenage years, I found myself degenerating into a hollow being, and as such the world began to lose all its colour, all its seductiveness. The symptoms were clear, I was suffering from depression. This was only confimed by an official diagnosis. The doctor in a monotone and neutral voice, declared to me that I have a major depressive disorder or so it is called.
Later on, at the ripe old age of nineteen, I was afflicted with another disease, this time of a different kind. It is a chronic illness that is supposed to produce future complications such as the gradual loss of eyesight and the general degeneration of my internal organs. It is unclear whether these complications are bound to happen or not, nevertheless, the disease has only lead me further into the depths of despair. Then, at the age of twenty, my so called significant other cheated on me. This person with whom I've known love and trust, decided to betray me.
Considering my ill-constituted psyche and my miserable circumstances, I decided to commit suicide. I went into the forest, found a suitable tree, tied the rope, and embraced my fate. Yet, and as obvious as it is for anyone reading this, I survived, I was saved by the forest guard who proceeded to call the police once he knew of my plans. The police then came and swiftly interrogated me, afterwards, they accompanied me to a mental ward where I was coerced into taking all kinds of medication, meant to "calm me down" or so they said.
Now what is the appropriate lesson learnt from all of this? That I should maybe try to end it all again? Second time is the charm? It's true, I'm constantly burdened by suicidal thoughts, or rather I'm burdened with a soul sickness that pervades deep within me, where it wreaks havoc and eats me from the inside out. However, I don't wish to succumb to my sickness, I don't wish to commit suicide again. and if I don't desire suicide, then, by elimination, I desire something else. I think it's abundantly clear what this thing is, it's life. To be more specific, I wish rejuvenation, pride, strength, affirmation of the self with all one's might. There's a life instinct that no matter how many doubts and relapses seek to extinguish it, still reign supreme.
I will life as it is, not life in an otherwordly realm, nor a state of nothingness. Concerning the latter, it is often said that this state is a blissful one, since no suffering can ever be found in it. However, this state does not allude me in the least, it did before, but now it just seems altogether to be a nonsensical idea, for what can it really offer? After all one can't experience nothingness and so it has zero value. I also find it to be no different from the religious conception of an afterlife where the sickly and the wretched finally find their redemption. But there is no redemption, no salvation either, nor an instant cure. What ought to concern us is merely this life. And yet there is so much suffering in life, it hurts to exist, how can I possibly bear it! It's true, suffering is an inevitable fact of life, but I no longer find that to be a contemptible fact, for I no longer seek happiness nor contentment, rather, I seek strength, self-overcoming, creation and destruction alike. I wish to savour every passion, to experience every tear, every sorrow, every sigh, and every pain. May I suffer, and for eternity if I must. I will never surrender, I affirm my life, its past, its present, and its future. And now I come to the rather sorrowful(yes, sorrowful still!) conclusion that I desire to live. As such, I no can no longer relate to this site and its members.
I wish you all the best, my dear comrades in suffering.
Later on, at the ripe old age of nineteen, I was afflicted with another disease, this time of a different kind. It is a chronic illness that is supposed to produce future complications such as the gradual loss of eyesight and the general degeneration of my internal organs. It is unclear whether these complications are bound to happen or not, nevertheless, the disease has only lead me further into the depths of despair. Then, at the age of twenty, my so called significant other cheated on me. This person with whom I've known love and trust, decided to betray me.
Considering my ill-constituted psyche and my miserable circumstances, I decided to commit suicide. I went into the forest, found a suitable tree, tied the rope, and embraced my fate. Yet, and as obvious as it is for anyone reading this, I survived, I was saved by the forest guard who proceeded to call the police once he knew of my plans. The police then came and swiftly interrogated me, afterwards, they accompanied me to a mental ward where I was coerced into taking all kinds of medication, meant to "calm me down" or so they said.
Now what is the appropriate lesson learnt from all of this? That I should maybe try to end it all again? Second time is the charm? It's true, I'm constantly burdened by suicidal thoughts, or rather I'm burdened with a soul sickness that pervades deep within me, where it wreaks havoc and eats me from the inside out. However, I don't wish to succumb to my sickness, I don't wish to commit suicide again. and if I don't desire suicide, then, by elimination, I desire something else. I think it's abundantly clear what this thing is, it's life. To be more specific, I wish rejuvenation, pride, strength, affirmation of the self with all one's might. There's a life instinct that no matter how many doubts and relapses seek to extinguish it, still reign supreme.
I will life as it is, not life in an otherwordly realm, nor a state of nothingness. Concerning the latter, it is often said that this state is a blissful one, since no suffering can ever be found in it. However, this state does not allude me in the least, it did before, but now it just seems altogether to be a nonsensical idea, for what can it really offer? After all one can't experience nothingness and so it has zero value. I also find it to be no different from the religious conception of an afterlife where the sickly and the wretched finally find their redemption. But there is no redemption, no salvation either, nor an instant cure. What ought to concern us is merely this life. And yet there is so much suffering in life, it hurts to exist, how can I possibly bear it! It's true, suffering is an inevitable fact of life, but I no longer find that to be a contemptible fact, for I no longer seek happiness nor contentment, rather, I seek strength, self-overcoming, creation and destruction alike. I wish to savour every passion, to experience every tear, every sorrow, every sigh, and every pain. May I suffer, and for eternity if I must. I will never surrender, I affirm my life, its past, its present, and its future. And now I come to the rather sorrowful(yes, sorrowful still!) conclusion that I desire to live. As such, I no can no longer relate to this site and its members.
I wish you all the best, my dear comrades in suffering.
