Venting This is hell.

[NeverHungry]

I've been slowly disconnecting myself from my family, to make it easier for them once I leave. .... It's not working. They're getting more and more distressed from me withdrawing, and constantly try to give me positive reinforcement "we're always here if you wanna talk", "you'll get through this" etc. This is so. fucking. hard. I'm doing this for them so it'll hurt less.. but it breaks my heart into a million pieces when I think about how they'll react once I pass. FUCK.

I want to lessen my burden on them, but I feel like I'm just making everything worse. But I can't imagine acting as if everything is fine and then just suddenly CTB the next day.

I'm sorry for the vent. I'm not usually like this. It's just so difficult.

 

[drake4871]

I'm in your exact same shoes, how do you leave without hurting people that care about you? Also, how do you CTB without them trying to stop you?
You're not alone on this I know a few others on this forum are struggling with the same thing. All I can say is goodluck :)

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I think it will be tough for them whatever happens. There is no easier way. Is there any mileage in talking to them as from what you've said they do seem to care?

 

[NeverHungry]

Thank you, it helps to know that I'm not alone in this. I just wish there was a better way.

I think it will be tough for them whatever happens. There is no easier way. Is there any mileage in talking to them as from what you've said they do seem to care?

They're very understanding, I love them a lot. But they aren't going to accept me wanting to CTB... I may have to tell them straight eventually.

 

[Ghost2211]

Arguably sometimes it might be better to have close positive relationships and interactions up until the last minute. And that way their last memories of you will be happy instead of reflecting on how are you slowly drifted away and they couldn't connect. If you desire or need the separation that is one thing, but if you are doing it only for their sake it may be doing them a disservice.

 

[mcguim]

This is so heartbreaking - I can really relate to where you are coming from. The only reason I am still here is because of my partner, and the fact that it would simply destroy him if I was to CTB.

Like you, I have tried to distance myself and become more withdrawn, but he takes it really personally... which fills me with fear, because it just proves he will definitely blame himself if anything happens, and that is something I could not bear. It's like a constant psychological battle you have with yourself - remain alive and continue to suffer... or CTB and cause suffering to those you love most.

 

[NeverHungry]

That's a good point... but some part of me feels like I'd be betraying them to just leave one day, so suddenly, without any real indication..
.. perhaps it is better if I try and connect. I just want them to feel the least amount of pain possible.

This is so heartbreaking - I can really relate to where you are coming from. The only reason I am still here is because of my partner, and the fact that it would simply destroy him if I was to CTB.

Like you, I have tried to distance myself and become more withdrawn, but he takes it really personally... which fills me with fear, because it just proves he will definitely blame himself if anything happens, and that is something I could not bear. It's like a constant psychological battle you have with yourself - remain alive and continue to suffer... or CTB and cause suffering to those you love most.

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.. I'm pretty much staying in my room all day crying about it. Goddammit. I'm so sorry you have to suffer this too.

 

[Jean4]

You are very blessed to have a family that loves and cares about you. It's something I always dreamt of.
I know how difficult this is on you. Feel free to vent away. We are always here for you. I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Yeah, it's the awful question with no good answer. Keep posting, we are here for you.

 

[NeverHungry]

You are very blessed to have a family that loves and cares about you. It's something I always dreamt of.
I know how difficult this is on you. Feel free to vent away. We are always here for you. I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time.

Yeah, it's the awful question with no good answer. Keep posting, we are here for you.

Thank you so much, both of you.
It wasn't always this way. ..My father was abusive. We were all extremely afraid of him. Around when I was turning 15, my mother asked him to leave. He has not been back since. He has tried to come back, certainly, but he has not been back. The past five/six years since then have been hellish trying to undo all of the damage that he has done to us. We never really were "a family", rather, just a bunch of people living in the same house... but last year a lot of things changed, and we all came a lot closer. ... but that makes all of this so extraordinarily goddamn difficult. I want to CTB, but feel like no matter which way things go, it will completely destroy my family, and all of the work that has been done to make us into a real family. I know that it is a thing that we have always wanted, and now we have it.... but if I go, I know things would fall apart. Particularly for my mother. I don't even know if she could survive me CTB, regardless of whether she knew it was coming or not. I just feel so stuck.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I get it. Similar here.
If I were to kill myself it would destroy my brother and sister and echo down to my nephews too. And if I don't, they'll have to watch my slow decline or worse not watch it then face the inevitable conclusion and all the guilt that comes with it. Either way I am the agent of suffering. I have no answers. Life is like that. Only the truly deluded have certainty.

 

[NeverHungry]

I'm sorry that you have to suffer like this as well... I really wish there was a better way... but I guess that's life, isn't it? Goddammit.
I'm gonna take a walk... might help. Hopefully something bad will happen to me that is beyond my control so that my family will not have to try and deal with the fact that I have CTB.. if only it were that easy. Again, thank you so much for your support.

 

[Jean4]

I'm sorry that you have to suffer like this as well... I really wish there was a better way... but I guess that's life, isn't it? Goddammit.
I'm gonna take a walk... might help. Hopefully something bad will happen to me that is beyond my control so that my family will not have to try and deal with the fact that I have CTB.. if only it were that easy. Again, thank you so much for your support.

We are here when you get back and I love your avatar.

 

[NeverHungry]

We are here when you get back and I love your avatar.

Thank you. Your avatar is lovely too. Very calming.
A couple of family members have asked me to sit with them for a while, maybe watch something. I couldn't say no. It eats me up inside to withdraw from them, especially when they're so worried. I guess I'll be back on later. I wish there was an easier way to do this.

 

[Jean4]

Thank you. Your avatar is lovely too. Very calming.
A couple of family members have asked me to sit with them for a while, maybe watch something. I couldn't say no. It eats me up inside to withdraw from them, especially when they're so worried. I guess I'll be back on later. I wish there was an easier way to do this.

I don't know how you are with your family. My partner CTB on December 8. We met here, so there was no shock.

When he decided on the date, he didn't tell me. Ghosted me for a week, figuring it would be easier for me.

He came back after he saw me decomposing.

I know he did this because he loved me and didn't want me to do anything (I'm an impulsive CTB er.)

I keep thinking that was a week we could have been together.

I can see your point of view. You know your family the best. If they love you, it's going to hurt them. But by distancing yourself, they may kick themselves after you are gone for the lost time.

If they are like me, they may be thinking that it is because of something they did which is causing your behavior change. They may feel guilty for the horrible thing they think they have fine to you.

That feeling almost made me CTB.

I can only speak for myself, but sometimes distancing is not the best thing to do.

 

[NeverHungry]

I'm sorry you had to suffer through that.. That's so terrible.. :( I'm not sure how much of a help I can be, but if you want to talk about it or feel that you need the support, my PMs are always open.

Members of my family have noticed how depressed I've been, but... at this moment in time I'm still in recovery from Anorexia Nervosa. They think all of my distress at the moment is stemming from that... before I was considering suicide - it pretty much was. But I could care less now. That all seems so trivial in comparison to this. Having it look like an accident may be the best way to go about things, but I am still unsure. I'm not looking to CTB ASAP, but preferably before I fully recover from my eating disorder. I don't want my hormones to start functioning. I don't want the guilt to come back.

 

[sadbunny]

Ive already accepted that I'm not going to have my way out. My circumstances will not be ideal and I'm mostly going to die feeling guilty and sad. It is what it is.

 

[Mr2005]

Sure is. Just find little bits of heaven where you can and cherish them for dear life

 

[helpmehelpme]

I've been asking my mom to accept that ending my life may be my choice, although it's not imminent, I tell her, and I do have a plan to radically alter my career that might help me shift my focus. So I will keep going.

However, today I told her I don't know if I can promise to stay alive while she's alive. I am pro-choice on suicide. Maybe if I plant the seeds of consciousness on this now, it will help her handle it better in the long run.

 

[NeverHungry]

I'm very conflicted with this. Some part of me almost wants to mention it, but the suffering it would cause.... If they knew that I was considering suicide, regardless of whether or not I tried to make it look accidental, they'd probably be able to see through that.

 

[Ghost2211]

I don't know how you are with your family. My partner CTB on December 8. We met here, so there was no shock.

When he decided on the date, he didn't tell me. Ghosted me for a week, figuring it would be easier for me.

He came back after he saw me decomposing.

I know he did this because he loved me and didn't want me to do anything (I'm an impulsive CTB er.)

I keep thinking that was a week we could have been together.

I can see your point of view. You know your family the best. If they love you, it's going to hurt them. But by distancing yourself, they may kick themselves after you are gone for the lost time.

If they are like me, they may be thinking that it is because of something they did which is causing your behavior change. They may feel guilty for the horrible thing they think they have fine to you.

That feeling almost made me CTB.

I can only speak for myself, but sometimes distancing is not the best thing to do.

Reading what you and he have written in the past, and how you keep contact with him in his goodbye is so heartwarming and saddening at the same time. if there is existence beyond this one I know he is smiling down on you and watching over you every day. Love can hurt so much. Seeing the kindness and love between you makes it so lovely you got to touch each others lives, and you made him feel loved during the last stretch of his life. Perhaps in the next life you'll get to meet again, and fall in love all over again.