Venting This is getting pretty real I'm getting pretty scared

[stopMotionSickness]

So yeah I'm 22 now. All things considered, I'm doing pretty good in university, at least academically. 3.3 GPA. Double major (both hard sciences). Good school. This semester only looks like it's getting better. I've also been a pretty miserable person for just about my whole life, at least since middle school, so I'm used to ideation crossing my mind on a pretty close to daily basis. It's always been a comfort in the back of my mind in that I won't have to face a full life of failure if it gets that bad.

But the last 3 days have been something else. I just physically cannot stop thinking about how I need to ctb. I'm thinking my best shot is the train station nearby, I know there's a bunch of trains that speed through it without stopping relatively late in the night, with no one else usually around. I'm slightly uncertain about the front maybe blocking the wheels, but I'm hoping to lie down either across the rails to have my neck on one or lengthwise to have one rail run my entire length. I barely finished a couple assignments but I spent way more time than they really needed, struggling to focus on literally anything else than ctb. Maybe it's evidently inauthentic to worry about something so long-term as uni grades when I distinctly feel this weekend might be my last, but idk I'm just really horrified of ever looking that failure in the face, since that's the only thing that's really kept me going even this far.

What triggered it is the stupidest thing, too. A roommate of mine told me I should get a girlfriend and that despite claiming I'm busy, pointed out that I did spend last weekend gaming (factorio, iykyk). And like yeah, I'm a chud. I applied to a bunch of cool things and just got a round of rejections for all that stuff. Which would make it the second summer in a row that I've got nothing on the way. I game way too much. I can't socialize. Not with my peers, not with professors/academia, not industry people. Everyone I know personally keeps lauding how "great" my resume and personality are, but I don't see at all what they're saying. Still, I've applied with faith that I've got a warped view of myself, but apparently employers see exactly what I must see; absolutely nothing.

And yeah, I can't fathom having a romantic relationship. I think I must be feeling some kind of loneliness because of it, but I can't fathom inflicting my state of mind upon someone. I had a gf years ago who had these thoughts and it completely eroded my sense of self worrying sick over her damn near every day. And no, I probably wasn't very helpful either, I was just a dumb asocial teenager, go figure it didn't work out. I hear about the dramas that everyone in relationships go through, I see how none of the parents of my friends ever seem happy together, if they're not outright divorced. The divorce rate may only be 50%, but a pretty fat majority of everyone else is clearly just hauling though misery because that's what they're "supposed to do". I don't really care for having this source of stress in my life. In the cases where people do seem to have a dating relationship down pat, they admit they just have to treat their gf's like pets, pandering to their whims, but ultimately manipulating the situation so they can "score" while keeping the peace between them. Every part of that seems inauthentic, demeaning, cruel, and shallow. Why on earth would I want that crowding my priorities with education right now. For the record, I do consider comprehension to be the most significant motivation to keep sticking around, plus the fear of failure, that's just the kind of nerd I am.

And yet the pressure STILL gets to me. I STILL agonize at how much of a failure I must be to have been single for the last 5 years straight. How "depleted" the "dating market" must be turning by the time I expect to have any time for that. And of course it's stupid to worry like this, it's just social media propaganda or whatever. But like fuck, I'm just so tired of this shit. It gets to me so so bad. I don't want to be here, I've only ever thought this was all a sacrifice to have a more fulfilling life in the long run but I've gutted everything that might have added that worth in the first place.

I guess it's just my long-winded vent to get across that I'm scared now. I've been rejected from everything, and my friends have all moved on in their careers. I can't get my shit together enough to plan something for my weekends, so I'm just drinking and doing weed for the umpteenth time. I'm just really scared, because usually this kind of wave doesn't get this strong nor this long. I've been sleeping on it for multiple days now and it's the only thing on my mind. There just can't be any future, this is literally the best it's ever going to be, and ending it just has to be the only way. idk, I'm afraid and a little tipsy now. I'm scared to reach out to anyone too, I extremely desperately cannot let anyone I know know about this while I'm still here. I'm writing out my notes and messages but fuck I'm just scared man.

If anyone actually read this, I'm sincerely grateful, I'm sorry to put you through this ramble. Even if no one reads though, I'm glad I got to at least get something out there.

 

[Matchaaa]

It's so sorry that you've been through all this. I hope things get better for you and that you find inner peace.

 

[walliwalli]

hey man, i'm a college student as well and i really understand a lot of these feelings. my grades are good and i have a solid resume but i face similar problems. i am asocial. i haven't dated since literally middle school. internship searches have been difficult and rejections leave me feeling worthless. and recently i too have been scared by how strong my desire to CTB is, yet i keep working on assignments despite it.

you are not alone. i can't say if it'll get better, but i really hope this wave passes soon and you can think with a little more clarity, because i don't want you to make any impulsive decisions. CTB via a train is extremely scary. could you try to wait a little longer, see if the feeling might pass?

open to conversation if you want to vent further.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Just try to make it to graduation and then you can reassess. Get therapy, even if just via text. The future could possibly be better, but you would have to give up being a miserable person, as you put it, first.

 

[Deepdense]

Damn bro, I'm going through almost the exact same thing. And to think this is supposed to be the best years of our lives.

 

[Steve Vermont]

Instead of concentrating on your career this summer, concentrate on YOU. Go somewhere and do something, even if it's only camping out in the woods for a few weeks. It sounds like college is breaking your brain.

Also? Gaming is fine. You're stressed and would probably be a lousy person to hang with anyhow because you're so stressed. A relationship can even make you more stressed.

Give yourself some "you" time away from the screens.

 

[stopMotionSickness]

It's so sorry that you've been through all this. I hope things get better for you and that you find inner peace.

you're a saint, I lowk didn't expect anyone to actually see this. ik it's technically not much but ty for the reply, sincerely.

hey man, i'm a college student as well and i really understand a lot of these feelings. my grades are good and i have a solid resume but i face similar problems. i am asocial. i haven't dated since literally middle school. internship searches have been difficult and rejections leave me feeling worthless. and recently i too have been scared by how strong my desire to CTB is, yet i keep working on assignments despite it.

you are not alone. i can't say if it'll get better, but i really hope this wave passes soon and you can think with a little more clarity, because i don't want you to make any impulsive decisions. CTB via a train is extremely scary. could you try to wait a little longer, see if the feeling might pass?

open to conversation if you want to vent further.

haah it's amazing how isolating everything in my life feels, only to find out it's a known experience. I haven't ever spoken to anyone in any means about this before, so the relief is something new and I'm grateful for it.

and yeah, the station is "nearby" only insofar as there exists public transportation to it. The last trains finish up by 1 am and it takes more than an hour to get there, chosen so on purpose. It helps that local subway stations don't have trains speeding through, hence the fear they might actually brake on time, since they're expecting to stop anyway. Truly the worst outcome possible is surviving and people irl finding out how I feel about these things. I'm hoping that some edibles + whiskey might relieve a bit of stress, at least to make it through the weekend. I'm hoping tomorrow I can wake up with more of a capacity to take my mind off of it.

finally, genuinely thank you for the honesty. It might seem like a small thing but I can't tell you how meaningful it is to hear someone actually respond at my level. idk maybe i'm being dramating but "you are not alone. i can't say if it'll get better" means the world to me, at least in this moment. I think I would normally like to vent a bit more, but idk i'm kinda new to this and fighting my avoidant nature overtime right now. If the invitation is extendable, I might get back to it tomorrow or something, but even if not, genuinely thank you.

 

[sanctionedusage]

hearing what dating's like from a male perspective just reinforces i've at least chosen correctly in that area of my life lmao. they'll tell you all of this is a 'stage everyone goes through,' and just push until you're out of high school, until you're 25, or graduated, or employed, or employed a 2nd time, or until you find 'the one,' or until you hit your 30s Which Are The News 20s, or until you find yourself For Real This Time™ in your 40s— and the promised pivot point just gets farther and farther until you're old enough that they won't judge you if you choose medically assisted suicide. i don't believe there is a future either.

 

[stopMotionSickness]

Damn bro, I'm going through almost the exact same thing. And to think this is supposed to be the best years of our lives.

insanely real, lmao. I think the "best years" line is hinged on people being able to be a bit more reckless, having a bit more time, and having a bit more certainty that you have things ahead of you, for having been in university at all. I suspect this might be a precedent that was shaped in a world where degrees actually improved employability, before every market everywhere got supersaturated with college graduates and simultaneously contracted by this dystopian AI replacement to dumb rich people by shameless misanthropes. Yeah idk everything about the human world seems miserable. At the very least there's the natural world to admire, even if it is undeniably dying out because of us, too.

 

[walliwalli]

finally, genuinely thank you for the honesty. It might seem like a small thing but I can't tell you how meaningful it is to hear someone actually respond at my level. idk maybe i'm being dramating but "you are not alone. i can't say if it'll get better" means the world to me, at least in this moment. I think I would normally like to vent a bit more, but idk i'm kinda new to this and fighting my avoidant nature overtime right now. If the invitation is extendable, I might get back to it tomorrow or something, but even if not, genuinely thank you.

of course. honestly i was surprised to read your original post as well, as i haven't really talked to any other college students on here with similar experiences/perspectives. it is a strange state to remain functioning in college yet grapple with thoughts of CTBing. so i'd welcome the conversation as well, and of course it's extendable. i can't remember if private conversations are available to new members immediately, but you can use that or ping me here if you want to talk—anytime.

hope you are able to make it through the weekend!

 

[stopMotionSickness]

Instead of concentrating on your career this summer, concentrate on YOU. Go somewhere and do something, even if it's only camping out in the woods for a few weeks. It sounds like college is breaking your brain.

That might be something good to focus on. I have some spots I want to camp, I know the regulations, I've day-hiked through them many times. I test-ran a solo overnight last summer and it went pretty smoothly, so I should have every means needed to do so. Being out in the woods is genuinely the fondest set memories I have of my life. I have a bunch of videos & photos on record I think I should go through to help. Bit of a dumbass move on my part to not consider this before, but thanks for pointing it out.

hearing what dating's like from a male perspective just reinforces i've at least chosen correctly in that area of my life lmao. they'll tell you all of this is a 'stage everyone goes through,' and just push until you're out of high school, until you're 25, or graduated, or employed, or employed a 2nd time, or until you find 'the one,' or until you hit your 30s Which Are The News 20s, or until you find yourself For Real This Time™ in your 40s— and the promised pivot point just gets farther and farther until you're old enough that they won't judge you if you choose medically assisted suicide. i don't believe there is a future either.

pretty much, lmao. I have this obsession with paleontology and zeitgeists, and I've been getting the distinct sense that we as a species have been, at least on a geological time scale, completely inhibiting our behavioral ability to keep surviving. The dating market being a nightmare for decades may seem to us that it's just how it is, but in reality seems more like a slice of a many-millenia long decline of an era. At the same time, considering what actually did "work" in the past, I have to wonder it the perpetuation of our species was always explicitly predicated on insane amounts of suffering.

 

[Matchaaa]

you're a saint, I lowk didn't expect anyone to actually see this. ik it's technically not much but ty for the reply, sincerely.

Actually, I think it's really impressive to be able to go to university (because I couldn't, haha). If you live in a place with lots of beautiful natural scenery, maybe you could go and see it on weekends; that would be wonderful. Wishing you all the best.