thankyouforthis
Member
- Jun 13, 2022
- 38
I don't expect any replies or anything because this is stupid. I just don't have anyone else I feel comfortable telling this to. I agreed to do something I typically don't believe in-- get married-- and now I deeply regret it. I'm not actually married yet, but I don't think I should marry this person. I also don't know how to rewind properly and get away with calling this off without completely upending what's left of my small, stupid, shitty life.
The only good reason to get married, that I can think of, is as a means of sharing your love for someone with other members of your community. I barely have a community to begin with; my family don't live nearby and I don't speak to all of them, and my friends are similarly scattered and few in number. So this would mostly be the partner's people coming, anyway; yet he hasn't even told many of them, and it's been months. If you're not comfortable telling people you intend to get married...Then maybe you shouldn't, right? And for that matter, I don't think anyone should marry a person who is reluctant to speak about them...
My already barely-there self-esteem is plummeting every single day. I keep asking myself, Is he embarrassed because I'm ugly? Because I'm not as smart or well-read as his hyper-academic, hyper-political friends? Does he have his eye on someone else, and maybe doesn't want that person in particular to find out because he's still hoping to get with them?
I am shocked at how often I've been crying lately; I've never been a huge crier, more like the type who cries maybe once a year at most but does so severely. Now, I still cry severely, but it's been almost every day for a week now. In other words, I've cried more this past week that I have in years-- which, in an odd way, is almost a relief because for a while I wasn't sure I was even still capable of crying. So at least, now I know!
But it would be nice to stop....Especially since I have a lot of work to do today and I cannot afford to just not to work because I'm suicidal...How do you explain that to your boss, exactly? You don't.
I just wish we had never even had any conversations regarding marriage and everything could go back to normal-shitty as opposed to extra-shitty without all of the embarrassment of having to explain to the few people who DO know about this, "Yeah, I've decided to call it off because I'm not sure this person loves me after all. But I'm also not gonna leave this person entirely because....Too.Many.Reasons."
The only good reason to get married, that I can think of, is as a means of sharing your love for someone with other members of your community. I barely have a community to begin with; my family don't live nearby and I don't speak to all of them, and my friends are similarly scattered and few in number. So this would mostly be the partner's people coming, anyway; yet he hasn't even told many of them, and it's been months. If you're not comfortable telling people you intend to get married...Then maybe you shouldn't, right? And for that matter, I don't think anyone should marry a person who is reluctant to speak about them...
My already barely-there self-esteem is plummeting every single day. I keep asking myself, Is he embarrassed because I'm ugly? Because I'm not as smart or well-read as his hyper-academic, hyper-political friends? Does he have his eye on someone else, and maybe doesn't want that person in particular to find out because he's still hoping to get with them?
I am shocked at how often I've been crying lately; I've never been a huge crier, more like the type who cries maybe once a year at most but does so severely. Now, I still cry severely, but it's been almost every day for a week now. In other words, I've cried more this past week that I have in years-- which, in an odd way, is almost a relief because for a while I wasn't sure I was even still capable of crying. So at least, now I know!
But it would be nice to stop....Especially since I have a lot of work to do today and I cannot afford to just not to work because I'm suicidal...How do you explain that to your boss, exactly? You don't.
I just wish we had never even had any conversations regarding marriage and everything could go back to normal-shitty as opposed to extra-shitty without all of the embarrassment of having to explain to the few people who DO know about this, "Yeah, I've decided to call it off because I'm not sure this person loves me after all. But I'm also not gonna leave this person entirely because....Too.Many.Reasons."
