If I had N I would probably try right after Christmass.
It's a very heartbreaking time for me. My gorgeous girlfriend wants to meet with me regulary, support me, but I am like living anxious zombie, and probably will break up with her because I cannot look her in eyes. The same with my job, now there is super project that starts from January, very well paid, I always dreamt about it. I built the company from scratch, and cannot continue it because of this fucking condition. It breaks my heart.
I cannot think about anything than CTB. If I don't obtain N I would probably try hanging, there is no way I would end up in some obscure condo thinking about what my girlfriend does and how they develop the company that I built from scratch. The problem is that my family guards me 24/7 so it will be extremely hard to hang. If I have N I can book a hotel.