Thinking

[paranormalpup]

I'm thinking I want to CTB. I have one or two people in this world that I really care about and believe would miss me. It feels like shit and I don't want to put others through pain. But so many people have put me through pain. Mercilessly, even my own parents. I'm sick of feeling this way day after day. I hate who I am. I used to go into my closet and allow the pitch darkness to envelope me like a hug. It's like a pocket in reality where I could hide and see nothing. It's a little bit like how I want death to be. I've been an introvert all my life, being alone isn't hard for me, but I do enjoy being around people. Ive always been a bright and supportive friend, girlfriend, whatever. I've always tried to put others first. I really don't want to leave my dog. He's the only thing that really makes me want to stay on this planet. Animals in general have been my biggest outlet for as long as I can remember.
but each passing day it feels like things get worse. I have alters, and sometimes I wonder if someday one of them would do it for me. Make all the pain go away once and for all. I don't want to keep being around. I'm sick of being treated like shit All the time. I'm so tired of being abused and not understood. My therapist won't listen to me. Things keep getting worse. I feel guilty for even having these emotions anymore because I know at least one person out there would hurt so badly to see me gone. but I can't stay alive to keep others happy. I need to find my own peace someday. I don't want to die by the natural causes of life. Life is too cruel. I don't want to let it win the chase. I want to get to myself first. I'm sick of my life. I'm sick of waking up, i feel so weak. I'm not selfish if Ive gone through this pain for so long. I can't withstand it anymore. I need it to stop. It's like buzzing in my ears that won't go quiet.

 

[Amakishiyo]

I feel the same as you and especially about not wanting to die by natural causes, I want to show life that I was in control and that I decided to meet my own end.

 

[FuneralCry]

I agree that life really is so unnecessarily cruel and it's very much understandable wishing to be free from all the suffering, at least to me suicide is certainly the best way to die as I would rather take control over my inevitable fate. I see no value in enduring this futile struggle.

 

[man_in_red:)]

"You can't kill me if I kms first!"